New York Pitch Conference Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, and Poetry Forums

I love these lines...'like he's putting out flames'...beautiful

drumsticks rising--they dissapear,
symbols explode in bras rippled air,
base drums quaking--stomping those pedals
like he's putting out flames.

Capricorn, thanks--I appreciate it....best, Bob

I like the first two stanzas best, especially the opening 2 lines. However, the storytelling is too slow and predictable to rise anywhere close to your standard. I assume you're experimenting. Bob

Thanks, everyone, for commenting...Bob

I like this. The 'watered down watercolor...' is just right....as is 'God has left the space between atoms', but I would end the poem here:

and it seems as if God has left the space between the atoms
and nothing shimmers or matters, not even love
or to be longed for

Thanks, Kenneth....from you, such a good poet, that's a great compliment Sanpiseth40....to your question about revision...The short answer is that in revising I look to provide improved clarity, better music and more emotional impact. Any changes, ie. trimming, additions, etc. are meant to provide o...

   Rehearsal     He stands upright, listing right     and left as if our orchestra     were a floundering ship,     his  long, grey hair flailing      in the air's salt.  Suddenly     he stops and asks,  What the hell     happened to the allegro?     He demands music be precise,    like the uniform ...

A very different poem...I love it for that reason alone. I also love the humor. Kudos

It didn't take much prodding, Bernie. I have put the 'wine' image back in....

I love this poem....what's there not to love? I love these lines especially: Three children and she undresses slowly like a new bride. A love song sounds on the radio. The curtain billows like the skirt of a dancing woman. Lives open and close as poems. I would close here: There is an hour to sleep,...

I like the details, how it keeps us focused on the work, immersing us in the scene. However, as good as it is, it could be better if the end tied back to the speaker somehow. Something like these lines earlier:

I think he loved the oiled and moving parts
more than he did me.

Thanks, Linda....I like your suggestions, too. Best, Bob

I have tried to give more coherence to the poem, partly by removing the 'wine' image...

I agree with Bernie, that your poem should speak frankly and naturally. There is good potential here...

Interesting perspective...I would like to see the language heightened a bit but otherwise a strong voice

There are some nice, easy flowing lines. I like the 'freed from the urn' image. The last two stanzas are weak, as if straining to summarize. Cut them, but strengthen the close, and send the poem somewhere.

Good poem...the ending especially good

This is a good draft. It's a candidate that cries out for trimming...the poem may sketch a familiar subject but with cutting and some heightening of language, it can be a strong poem.

Thx, Bernie...the letters aren't haunting....it's that he's afraid her letters will track him down and he wants to loosen her grip forever....I'll think about it....

I'm glad that I was able to nudge you towards Munch....and thx again, as always, for your help! Bob

OH, this is even much better than the original....kudos, kudos! Send this one out...
Wri

Bernie, I felt the ending wasn't strong enough. So I've revised it....I value your thoughts....best, Bob

Excellent, poignant....I'm moved by this strong portrait. The accuracy is striking, as in these lines:

Friends visit with exaggerated gaiety
to cheer and distract her, like adults
addressing a deaf child in a loud voice.

He takes a train to escape her....north just provides a detail. I have revised the first stanza....thx for the links

Thanks, Bernie...I have tried to take advantage of your suggestions...best, Bob