Kamehameha Day

[Billy]

Kamehameha Day(revision)

The old Hawaiian drank a few beers.
He's dancing with all the wahine.
They blush and look away,
unable to resist his enthusiasm.
Fragrance of gardenias in moonlight.
His breath of cigarettes and alcohol.
Gaps in his boyish smile.
His bare feet lift joy out of dirt.


Kamehameha Day

The old Hawaiian drank a few beers.
He's dancing with all the wahine.
They blush and look away, then join him,
unable to say, no, to his enthusiasm.
The night air smells of gardenias.
His breath of cigarettes and alcohol.
Gaps in his boyish smile.
His bare feet lift joy out of the earth.

[shriiram]

Maybe you can do away with the comma after 'say' and 'no' in the fourth line- "unable to say, no, to his enthusiasm." Plus, the article 'the' before earth in the last line creates a disjunctive effect...without it, the statement looks generalized and universal.

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi Billy,


a look-read recast as couplets:

The old Hawaiian drank a few beers.
He's dancing with all the wahine.

They blush and look away, then join him,
unable to say, no, to his enthusiasm.

The night air smells of gardenias.
His breath of cigarettes and alcohol.

Gaps in his boyish smile.
His bare feet lifting joy out of the earth.




unable to resist his enthusiasm.



The fragrance of gardenias in the moonlit air.
His breath of cigarettes and alcohol.



I esp like:

"Gaps in his boyish smile.
His bare feet lift joy out of the earth."


yet workshop suggest:

Gaps in his boyish smile.
His bare feet lift joy from dirt.


^^ then you could call it dirty dancing  




Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 


 
 
 
 

[Billy]

thanks Shri and Michael, I've made the changes. I did initially have it in couplets.

[mojave9999]

warm and real.

it might appear too sentimental.



Fragrance of clove tobacco,
his shirt trails a wisp of gardenia.



Gaps in his boyish smile.
bare feet lifting in joy.



bernie

[FrankThird]

I