I like calling my mom over phone

[shriiram]

Hi Team,

I am Shriram and this is my first post in The Writers Block.

I like calling my mom over phone

that way I can create her
from her voice.

elasticize speckles on her face
for her sorrow,
crowd less crow’s feet
for her smile,
iron out layers of time
bedraggling her body,
and weed out the white hair
fighting for a stronghold.

that way I can forge her
out of her emotions.

that way her beauty
will remain a side-effect
of her suppleness.

[Billy]

like the idea of this poem. images could be sharpened. For your perusal, keep what you like or throw it away:


I can create her from her voice

elasticize speckles on her
face for the sorrow

crowd less crow’s
feet for her smile

iron out layers of time
bedraggling her body

weed out the white hair
fighting for a stronghold

that way I can forge her
out of her emotions

her beauty remain a side-
effect of her suppleness.

[SivaRamanathan]

Sriram

I am in for Billy suggestions.However I think you must have your title as the last line of your poem.

Sivakami

[shriiram]

Thank you, Billy. I agree with your suggestion. Your realigning does provide a staccato kind of effect to my poem. I'll work on it.

[shriiram]

Sivakami,

Ma'am I can see your point. In fact, titling the poem appropriately has been one of my problems of late...the last line definitely makes sense.

[FrankThird]

I d

[shriiram]

FrankThird, can you help me understand your point better? Are you saying the idea behind the poem is good but execution warrants more effort?

[FrankThird]

I like the

[shriiram]

I can understand it, FrankThird

[FrankThird]

Poetr

[Michael (MV)]

 
Hi, shriiram, and Welcome


your poem speaks of voice & vision: presence


Billy's couplet-form advances your draft


sharing my workshopping on that, including putting "Mom" back in the poem  


I create her from her voice

elasticize speckles on her
face for the sorrow

shuffle away crow’s
feet for her smile

iron out layers of time
bedraggling her body

weed out the white hair.
Fighting for a stronghold

I forge Mom
from emotions, and her beauty

remains an aside
effect of her suppleness.





Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

[shriiram]

Thank you, Michael. Your rendering is interesting...and it has given me another thought to tweak it...putting it here...let me know your comments...

I create her from her voice

elasticize speckles on her
face for the sorrow

shuffle away crow’s
feet for her smile

iron out layers of time
bedraggling her body

weed out the white hair
fighting for a stronghold

I forge Mom
from emotions, and her beauty

from her suppleness.

[Michael (MV)]

consider:

smooth out layers of age
bedraggling her body




Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 

[DanielMein]

Nice poem, I like it

[shriiram]

Thank you, DanielMein

[mojave9999]

S----

fine new approach to the genre of I Remember (mom, dad, grandpa etc...)


excellent imagery and smooth narration and close.

fine job.


bernie

[FrankThird]

Nic

[shriiram]

Thank you, bernie.

[paylituzu]

The phone call home to mother is an institution of family life. And like many institutions, it operates according to arcane rules. Every family has ...
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