Dark futures, breaking over Thunderbolt Reef -Rev 11/05/17

[SOriz211]

Night [again] smears its black along the coast << again is not needed
as the last scars of daylight
spin off the earth's axis.

[And] Death has a stink -
you can smell him, like a rotting whale
washed up on the high-water mark,
infected with a flotilla of worms. << nice

My inner child sleeps with the blinds drawn.
The sea snail of his dreams, retracting in its shell,
uncertain (whether it'll take) a bite << about taking a bite - might be better
from tomorrow's rock-pool.

We once did it all [-] (,) swam everywhere. << a comma is what you need here
Our scales never lost their iridescence.
We had a sundial, which never cast a shadow -
living beyond our cells.

We didn't need a surging sea to launch our love.

Death was like a guy in a peak cap,
assisting at the slipway to launch our boat,
then parking the trailer in the shade,
until the hunger of the tide
brought us back. << Very nice stanza

We had telescopes [-] for watching << again, you need a comma
Death from a distance in the moonlight,
as he used a skeleton key
to lock the fear of dying
in the godforsaken.

But Death's no longer well fed. << I don't think you need to cap Death
He now digs out shreds of old meat
from his teeth with a scented toothpick,
then swallows them.

Sergio

[FranktheFrank]

If the poet intends that Death is a personification then the Capital 'D' is apt.

If you used: Night again, smear its black ... could be fine.

Yes I see the personification, you speak of Death as him, so capital is fine in my opine.

Some lines are verbose, without reason:

We once did it all, or We once swam everywhere.

You could say with same effect:
A surging sea launched our love.

I think a pruning would help.

Best with this.

[FranktheFrank]

CJ

It looks a lot tighter at first glance.