Fagin

[SivaVelliangiri]

1.
A short man, not very ordinary looking, waited behind the East Fort arch every morning at 8.25 and followed me right up to the bus stop. He wore a dhothi, perhaps two meters wide and lifted the tip with one hand. I am in my convent blue uniform. He has betel stained teeth. Him following me to the bus-stop had become a habit.
2.
I tell Daddy,’ You must send me an escort up to the bus-stop every morning. So papa sends two boys Mohan and his older brother Shankar, one behind the other. I want to slap cow dung on this man’s face. But I am a young girl and men are weird. He does not care for these two chaperons. He is the sort to knock them off like flies on his shirt sleeves.
3.
I tell Amma. She queries me about the authors I am reading at that time. Dickens. Characters with mangled features. ''Stop reading what you are reading now and everything will change ‘', she says. The man continues to follow me to the bus-stop with the curled up tip of his dhothi in one of his hands. I have these strange impulses. What would it be like to break a coconut for Ganesha on this man’s bald head?

[FranktheFrank]

Not sure about the numbering of the paragraphs
If he doesn't look ordinary then he must have some distinguishing feature,
maybe he is exceptionally looking. I think you mean he is ordinary.

Maybe start,

A short man, with betel stained teeth, waits behind East Fort Arch every
morning. As the clock strikes eight he begins to follows me all the way
to the bus stop in his two meter dhoti, he holds a corner in one hand.
I wear my convent blue, I don't like him following, it's creepy.

A short man, not very ordinary looking, waited behind the East Fort arch every morning at 8.25 and followed me right up to the bus stop. He wore a dhothi, perhaps two meters wide and lifted the tip with one hand. I am in my convent blue uniform. He has betel stained teeth. Him following me to the bus-stop had become a habit.
2.
I tell Daddy,’ You must send me an escort up to the bus-stop every morning. So papa sends two boys Mohan and his older brother Shankar, one behind the other. I want to slap cow dung on this man’s face. But I am a young girl and men are weird. He does not care for these two chaperons. He is the sort to knock them off like flies on his shirt sleeves.
3.
I tell Amma. She queries me about the authors I am reading at that time. Dickens. Characters with mangled features. ''Stop reading what you are reading now and everything will change ‘', she says. The man continues to follow me to the bus-stop with the curled up tip of his dhothi in one of his hands. I have these strange impulses. What would it be like to break a coconut for Ganesha on this man’s bald head?

Hope that's of use.

best wishes with this.

Ieuan

[SivaVelliangiri]

Frank
You have changed the tense. Let us wait and see if anyone else wishes to say something.

S

[Bernie01]

Siva---

is this the story, or just the beginning?

i remember the dictum, appeal to the senses with all descriptions.

color, feel, sound, smell and shape.

from these elements, more complex components of irony, suspense, and drama emerge.

i didn't feel a strong interest in tense, or even voice, but for now i'm ignorant of the author's future intent.

here is dickens, himself:


Oliver, being left to himself in the undertaker's shop, set the lamp down on a workman's bench, and gazed timidly about him with a feeling of awe and dread, which many people a good deal older than he, will be at no loss to understand. An unfinished coffin on black tressels, which stood in the middle of the shop, looked so gloomy and death-like that a cold tremble came over him, every time his eyes wandered in the direction of the dismal object: from which he almost expected to see some frightful form slowly rear its head, to drive him mad with terror. Against the wall were ranged, in regular array, a long row of elm boards cut into the same shape: looking in the dim light, like high-shouldered ghosts with their hands in their breeches-pockets. Coffin-plates, elm-chips, bright-headed nails, and shreds of black cloth, lay scattered on the floor; and the wall behind the counter was ornamented with a lively representation of two mutes in very stiff neckcloths, on duty at a large private door, with a hearse drawn by four black steeds, approaching in the distance. The shop was close and hot. The atmosphere seemed tainted with the smell of coffins. The recess beneath the counter in which his flock mattress was thrust looked like a grave.


and other examples, study these opening paragraphs from well known novels:


https://www.shortlist.com/entertainment ... aphs/99455




bernie

[Kenneth2816]

Agree with present tense which is preferred when possible. I would not number thr paragraphs. If you have threr stanzas, we can count that far.

Everything else is good

[FranktheFrank]

This is strange:

But I am a young girl and men are weird.

I can understand a young girl having that feeling,
anger, but why would the man being strange stop her, surely the thing that
stops her is convention, i.e. it's not done for girls to attack men on suspicion
of their motives, or she would be afraid to provoke retaliation, not because
he is weird. I don't see that being weird would stop her attacking him
surely behaving weirdly is the reason for her wanting to attack him.

is also is strange:

he begins to follows me all the way, which is continuous present (a continuing action)
then you switch to present follows you all the way to the bus stop.

What you mean to say is every morning at 8 a man wait for you to pass
then follows you all the way to the bus stop. N imagines he has the hots for her
and resents it, she has thoughts of what she would like to do, but knows
it would lead to real trouble.