In Custody - Leavenworth - 1969

[RWCJames]

Johnson’s glasses
constantly slipped down
to the tip of his snub nose;
he poked them back up,
furiously,
with a middle finger,
punctuating
the rapid-fire,
mouth sputter
of his anti-war rant.

A peacock screech
at the peaks,
his sleep-deprived voice
drowned out metal clangs
and crashes, slap-happy
domino games
the brothas played,
and shouting matches
in the top cells.

Thin to reed-scraggly,
he swayed inches from
whosever face he was
assaulting
with his harangue,
logical sequences
suspended,
in his breakthrough
analysis
of the imminent
apocalypse.

We depended on him
for comic relief.
Truth?
He languished
like the rest of us
bemused listeners
in prison khakis,
serving out our time,
fantasizing our protest
was an obstacle to war.



(orig.)
Johnson’s glasses constantly slipped
down to the tip of his snub nose;
he poked them back up frienziedly
with a middle finger, punctuating
the rapid-fire, mouth sputter-froth
fusillade of political protestation.

Approaching falsetto at the peaks,
his sleep-deprived voice drowned out
metal clangs and crashes, slap-happy
domino games the brothas played,
and shouting matches in the top cells.

Thin to reed-scraggly, he swayed
inches from whosever face he was
assaulting with his pronouncements.
Uncombed hair, prickled in stalagmite
configurations, logical sequences
suspended, in his breakthrough analysis
of the obvious, imminent, apocalypse.

We depended on him for comic relief.
Truth? he languished like the rest of us
bemused listeners in prison khakis,
serving out our time, fantasizing that
our protest was an obstacle to war.

[Kenneth2816]

I think there is a good story here, but I think it obscured by word choices that try too hard to sound clever.

A stanza break or two would help greatly

[RWCJames]

Kenneth - You're probably referring to this section:

the rapid-fire, mouth sputter-froth
fusillade of political protestation.

The ridiculous over-writing is intended to physicalize through
the sibilance and alliteration his vocal tirade.

I think you're right about the breaks - done - RC

[FrankDire]

After being told by you never to dare critique your work I approach this moment with trepidation.

It is different here we give critique in a spirit of mutual help
and the understanding workshopping improves our awareness
of our own shortcoming and often this improves our work.

We have here gifted poets, poets who are generous with their time
and seek to stoop down to help others meet that international standard
to which we all aspire.

With this in mind I would say Ken has put his finger squarely on the matter
You would go well to follow his advice, he won a 2nd place last month
in the international competition.

I would add I have never seen a man push his glasses back frenziedly.
S1 similarly from 'middle finger too political protestation'
is over kill where it be prose or poetry

I won't go on, enough said.

[Kenneth2816]

RC, stanza breaks look great. IMHO the last stanza is the poem: presumably a group of draft age men with the desperate hope their sacrifice and incarceration are not in vain.

Whatever precedes either buttresses this or detracts, merely because it comes at the end of the poem.

My opinion is that 85% of the poem is devoted to over describing. I get what you said as to intent, but am sayimg words like stalagmites, fullisade,falsetto and apocalypse are perhaps "too writerly" and detract from the poem.

This is a strong idea for a poem

It's unique.

[RWCJames]

Frank - Ah - OK - Couldn't place the name at first - but referred back to the battle ground - well, it's a big sky out here where I am - old conflicts kinda just float away. Though I never pictured you as trepidatious.

As to the poem:

I would add I have never seen a man push his glasses back frenziedly

Almost everything Johnson did was in a "frenzy."

I appreciate and am aware of the conditions of posting and responding to comments - thanks for that.

I've responded to Ken and thanked him, I like his advice - but pulling rank is not the way to go -
So far, I've won a 1st, 2nd, and HM at the same comp.

Can I go now?

[RWCJames]

Kenneth - I refer you to the rewrite - I appreciate your input and good suggestions - I feel it's more palatable now - RC

[FrankDire]

It's not so much pulling rank,
it is to remind you that a person
that bridles over being told larch
doesn't need a capital needs
to listen to experienced poets.

Ken is experienced, he gives valuable
feedback, the poem doesn't need explaining
to anyone. It either works or does not.
The correct response here on this forum
is: 'thank you, I appreciate the input.'

The critiquer poet may be inexperienced
and completely get it wrong, the same
response is expected.

This forum is very serious in upping
the standard and the critiques reflect this.
Sometimes our work is savaged by our friends
not in a spirit of enmity but in a spirit
of workshopping and fellowship.

I hope I have not been disrespectful to you
or caused you to think of leaving, of course
it is your right to leave, but I hope you stay
and make this a better place. We had one
prima donna leave recently because she bridled
at being informed her work wasn't my cup of tea.

Having said that, I agree that over-describing
is the problem in your otherwise unique poem.

I genuinely hope you stay.

[RWCJames]

FD - You're right back into the same territory - let me clue you in - I'm not in that particular region of hell any longer - have moved on, as I said - to open skies. - RC

[FrankDire]

He he.

[Bernie01]

RW----


here, you get my attention.


He languished
like the rest of us
bemused listeners
in prison khakis,
serving out our time,
fantasizing our protest
was an obstacle to war.


otherwise, sounds like a novel, not a poem.

I grew-up close to leavenworth---make me feel the place, the rock---and not just some superficial description of several prisoners---

[Kenneth2816]

RC...good rewrite.I still say it's keeper.
I was alive during that era RC, not many of us left. If you arw satisfied with it, that is all that matters.

If I have your permission I would like ti nominate it for the pool of IBPC poems.

[FranktheFrank]

To me the s one is infinitely better, much easier to understand without that high feluting langauage. Now you are into proper narrative. The change in the last line of s one tells us immediately what the poem is about..
As the infamous Howard Miller would say: Poetry is not a code to be broken. Keep it up. Well done.