Unblemished (revision)

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IndianaDP
Posts: 139
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Unblemished (revision)

#1 Post by IndianaDP » 09 Oct 2018, 21:49

Revision-
She inherited an inferior mind,
a flat pock marked face
she dusts with cheap powder,
an expressionless stare
she smears with mascara.

The scratches and scars
on her forearms and legs
are anxious and angry,
the roll of her belly
is white and unblemished.

Wheeling a cart down the aisles
of Walmart she searches for bread,
American cheese
and generic bologna.

Sidestepping puddles
she clutches her bag
walks to a trailer park
three blocks away.

Layers of cardboard are taped
to her windows. The refrigerator
no longer makes ice,
cupboard doors are loose
or not there at all.

Old country records are stacked
on the floor, the needle is dropped
on a slow cowboy waltz.

From her chair she thinks
about when life begins,
two feral cats
and a broken TV.



Original-
She inherited an inferior mind,
a flat pock marked face
she dusts with cheap powder,
an expressionless stare
she smears with mascara.

The scratches and scars
on her legs and forearms
are anxious and angry,
the roll of her belly
is white and unblemished.

Wheeling her cart
through the aisles of Walmart
she searches for bread,
American cheese
and generic bologna.

A man buying roses
is annoyed with her coupons
and food stamps
steps out of line
and moves to another.

She clutches her bag
and walks down the side of the road
to a trailer park three blocks away.

Her rubber soled shoes
climb the cinder block steps,
broken windows are covered
with cardboard and tape.

She flips on a light,
dead spiders and flies
appear in the amber.

A black and white cat
leaps to the counter.
A needle is dropped
on a slow country song.

She slumps in a chair, thinks
about when life begins,
her future spinning away,
a bottle of booze
and a broken TV.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 821
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Unblemished

#2 Post by Billy » 10 Oct 2018, 00:52

I loved this character study. I was just a little disappointed in the final stanza.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 891
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Unblemished

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Oct 2018, 09:05

I echo Billy....another interesting character this group has come up within the last couple months....I would remove the last stanza and end with the needle dropping on a slow country song....the last stanza is inferred throughout the poem anyway...otherwise a thumbs up

Kenneth2816
Posts: 732
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Unblemished

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 10 Oct 2018, 10:28

Yeah Dale. Good social commentary.
"think about when life begins"

I think it an excellent close

RhondaMaltbie
Posts: 4
Joined: 10 Oct 2018, 12:47

Re: Unblemished

#5 Post by RhondaMaltbie » 10 Oct 2018, 13:14

"She slumps in a chair, thinks
about when life begins,
her future spinning away,
a bottle of booze
and a broken TV."


I think it would read better if you were to change spinning to spins and omit the last 2 lines. The bottle of booze part weakens any empathy the reader has for this woman before the last stanza. That being said, I really like the use of specific details to paint a portrait and the overwhelming tone of melancholy.

IndianaDP
Posts: 139
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Unblemished

#6 Post by IndianaDP » 11 Oct 2018, 01:42

Thanks Billy, I am making some changes to tighten things up, I’ll look at the final stanza.

Thanks Bob, always appreciate your thoughts.

Thanks Ken, lookin closer at when to end.

Hello Ronda, welcome to Writer’s Block. You may be right about the booze.

IndianaDP
Posts: 139
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Unblemished (revision)

#7 Post by IndianaDP » 11 Oct 2018, 18:51

Trying to condense some.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 821
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Unblemished (revision)

#8 Post by Billy » 11 Oct 2018, 22:37

i would have been happy with just the change you made in final stanza. i liked the annoyed man stanza but you’re probably right about cutting it. i liked the cinder block steps but not essential. and the amber wasnt exactly a clear image but i liked it. overall good revision

IndianaDP
Posts: 139
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Unblemished (revision)

#9 Post by IndianaDP » 11 Oct 2018, 23:11

Thanks Billy, I’m sure the images I cut will reappear in a new poem.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 732
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Unblemished (revision)

#10 Post by Kenneth2816 » 12 Oct 2018, 20:37

Dale, I'd cut Wal Mart. Total cliche.

Otherwise nice revisions

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