The Moon Walk

[BobBradshaw]

V3:

The Moon Walk

It’s nearly another anniversary
of the day Neil Armstrong

and Buzz Aldrin bounced
across a powdery surface,

Neil’s shadow as grainy
as the ultrasound images

of our son, 14 years later.
But this was 1969

and I was on the verge of college;
my sister had found Jesus,

and Dad had been promoted.
We were like the Apollo crew,

our footprints ahead
waiting for us.

V2:

The Moon Walk

It’s nearly another anniversary
of the day Neil Armstrong

and Buzz Aldrin bounced
across a powdery surface.

The black and white footage
of Neil’s shadow

on the lunar landscape is as grainy
as the ultrasound images

of our son, 14 years later.
But this was 1969

and I was on the verge of college;
my sister had found Jesus,

and Dad had been promoted.
We were like the Apollo crew,

our footprints ahead
waiting for us.


V1:
The Moon Walk


It’s nearly another anniversary
of the day Neil Armstrong

and Buzz Aldrin jumped
with springs in their legs

across the fine grained powdery
surface of the moon.

The black and white footage
of Neil’s shadow on the lunar

landscape is as grainy
as the ultra sound images

my wife held onto of our son
in 1983. But this was 1969

and everything was black
and white then....sputniks

versus satellites,
Giants / Dodgers.

I was on the verge of college;
my sister had found Jesus,

and Dad had been promoted.
We were like the Apollo crew,

with only one direction—up.
Our footprints ahead
waiting for us.

[judyt547]

I like the way the beginining seques into the ending.

Couple of suggestions: "jumped
with springs in their legs" could be reduced
to one word: "bounced", which conveys the same
meaning but more neatly. Do you need "fine grained"
when you also have "powdery" ?

"--as the ultra sound images
of our son, 14 years later"
The next two couplets are awkward, and
don't really move anything forwarder.

maybe remove the first line of the last verse,
"we were like the Apollo crew,
our footprints ahead
waiting for us."

Other than that, I love it.

[SivaRamanathan]

Bob and Judy

These workshop suggestions are enlightening. I am taking notes.
Siva

[BobBradshaw]

These are terrific suggestions...I have reflected them in V2. Thx, Judy

[meenas17]

Judy gives useful suggestions. Her edits are effective and render the verse enjoyable.
Great!

[judyt547]

oh, you spoil me, but thank you.
Anytime you write a poem, once you head into revision, read it out loud.
Slowly, hearing the words. Your eyes can fool you, your ears, never.

This one moves, now, right down the page.

[SivaRamanathan]

Judy

I did that with my Big House poem.But only after my mentor/poet friend told me to.

Siva

[judyt547]

Works, doesn't it. You can hear the bumps in the language that way.
and the best part is, when you hit the good lines, you know it. =)

[capricorn]

Great revision, Bob.
It does help to read your poem out aloud - I do try and remember that!

Eira

[judyt547]

final suggestion, not critical but possibly an improvement:
change
"The black and white footage
of Neil’s shadow on the lunar

landscape is as grainy
as the ultra sound images"

to ""Neil's shadow on the landscape
is as grainy
as the ultra sound images"

Do you really need 'black and white footage"?
It works either way, but Im not sure it's totally necessary to add that.

[BobBradshaw]

Thanks, Judy.... your insight is right on....I have revised it

[judyt547]

It's a good revision. Don't be afraid to tinker, Bob. I have poems I could have sworn were totally finished,
and years later think, oh, look. I can take that line out. Much better for the deletion.
But this reads well, definitely.