Sunflowers

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1655
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Sunflowers

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Oct 2020, 21:05

v3:

Sunflowers

Pummeling rains
have left my flowering day lilies
sprawled on the ground.
A sunflower lies twisted onto her back,
her overly big head
like a doll's my sister once had
slightly raised.

I lift my sunflower up,
steadying her with one hand.
With the other hand I tie one end
of a white cord
to an old walking stick
that I now use as a stake,
the other end to my battered
sunflower, her “eyes”
cast downward.

Then I turn to assess my tomatoes,
“love apples” my mother called them.
I was eight years old, Mama
leading me down rows of tomato plants,
the “apples” hanging like orbs.

Her southern voice is lost now
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle's flowers.

She is dressed perpetually
in gardener gloves and floppy hats.
From Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress,
everything takes on the color of sunlight
in late afternoon.



v2:

Sunflowers

Pummeling rains
have left my flowering day lilies
sprawled on the ground.
A sunflower lies twisted onto her back,
her overly big head
like a doll's I once had
slightly raised.

I lift my sunflower up,
steadying her with one hand.
With the other hand I tie one end
of a white cord
to an old walking stick
that I now use as a stake,
the other end to my battered
sunflower, her “eyes”
cast downward.

Then I turn to assess my tomatoes,
“love apples” my mother called them.
I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy hat and gloves
leading me down rows of tomato plants,
the “apples” hanging like orbs.

Her southern voice is lost now
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle's flowers.

She is dressed perpetually
in gardener gloves and floppy hats.
In photos of her everything
takes on the color of sunlight
in late afternoon,
from Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress.

I have a photo of sunflowers
on Mama's sun splashed grave.
In the picture I’m a small girl lying
on top of the mound, dressed
in a pale lemony dress
and Mama's floppy
yellow hat.



v1:
Sunflowers

Pummeling rains
have left my yellow flowering day lilies
sprawled onto the ground.
A sunflower lies twisted onto her back,
her overly big head
like a doll's I once had
slightly raised.

I lift my sunflower up,
steadying her with one hand.
With the other hand I tie one end
of a white cord
to an old walking stick
that I now use as a stake,
the other end to my battered
sunflower, her “eyes”
cast downward.

Then I turn to assess my tomatoes,
“love apples” my mother called them.
I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy hat, yellow gloves
leading me down rows of tomato plants,
the “apples” hanging like orbs.

Her southern voice is lost now
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle's flowers.

She is dressed perpetually
in gardener gloves and floppy hats.
In photos of her everything
takes on the color of sunlight
in late afternoon,
from Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress.

I have a photo of sunflowers
on Mama's yellowing grave.
In the picture I’m a small girl lying
on top of the mound, dressed
in a pale lemony dress
and Mama's floppy
yellow hat.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1211
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Sunflowers

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2020, 07:19

Much to like. The last stanza a bit of surprise.
First thing I notice is the word yellow or yellowing three times. Bit much.

I love the references to the mother. They are genuine, and remind me of my own southern mom.

I don't find much contrived here. My issue is overuse of a few words/terms

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1655
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sunflowers

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Oct 2020, 20:37

Thanks, Ken. I will remove some of the yellow references.

meenas17
Posts: 713
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Sunflowers

#4 Post by meenas17 » 17 Oct 2020, 20:54

Love the yellow in the poem,
Might be they are found three times as ken puts it, I like them for that sake.
Perceptions differ, know Ken.
Back to see you all again in this forum,
meenas17

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1003
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Sunflowers

#5 Post by Billy » 18 Oct 2020, 00:00

Yeah, I agree with Ken. How about "sun splashed grave". Otherwise I like the poem; it's full of wonderful details.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1685
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Sunflowers

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 18 Oct 2020, 02:28

Hi Bob,

Your sunflower poem leads me to the observation that "yellow" is the bright side of sepia

I like the synethesia of Billy's suggestion:

"sun splashed grave".


Sunflowers and your face fascinate me
You love only the tallest trees


^^ BuckinghamNicks lyric, an epitaph I heard with your poem


😎

Michael (MV) - my Southern mother's son flower forever

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1655
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sunflowers

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Oct 2020, 02:55

Everyone, I appreciate your jumping in. I like "sun splashed grave" and I have removed one other "yellow". Thanks again...

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1685
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Sunflowers

#8 Post by Michael (MV) » 18 Oct 2020, 12:02

a return visit from MV 8)


"I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy hat and gloves"

^^ consider without "hat":

I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy and gloves


Last stanza workshopped 1/ without the "I'm"; 2/
without "In the picture," and 3/ trying on "reclined" for size:

I have a photo of sunflowers
on Mama's sun splashed grave:
a small girl is reclined
on top of the mound, dressed
in a pale lemony dress
and Mama's floppy
yellow hat.

^^ and, too, maybe "floppy" isn't needed; or maybe "hat" is needed:

and Mama's
yellow floppy.

^^ one or the other; depends on the tone needed for the finale



I like the appearance of "perpetually" in this poem.

I most esp wiil remember this precise & original imaging:

"she flickers like a hummingbird"

^^ Exsunlent


😎

Michael (MV)

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1211
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Sunflowers

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 Oct 2020, 16:31

meenas17 wrote:
17 Oct 2020, 20:54
Love the yellow in the poem,
Might be they are found three times as ken puts it, I like them for that sake.
Perceptions differ, know Ken.
Back to see you all again in this forum,
Indeed. Lovely to see you here as well.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1655
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sunflowers

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Oct 2020, 20:45

Good to see so many people participating again....
thx, Michael....

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1655
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Sunflowers

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 31 Oct 2020, 23:16

revised the ending

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