Beethoven Plays for Mozart

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
BobBradshaw
Posts: 1673
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Nov 2020, 22:16

v2:

Beethoven Plays for Mozart


I was busy,
in the middle of packing,
our no longer affordable rent due.
Wolferl was feverishly working
on Don Giovanni,
its score strewn about the floor.

What now?” he asked, exasperated
at Gaukerl’s barking.
An intruder walked through the door—
a sixteen year old boy
with a pock marked face
and bushy eyebrows.

He handed my husband a paper.
Wolferl was always
being hounded with introductions from “Count
or Prince or Something da-da-da-DA
”.

I winced at my husband’s
unusual rudeness—
but he was overworked
and deadlines due—

as he flung a disgusted hand
towards the fortepiano,
having no time for “this”.

Finishing, the boy glanced at me,
then stared at Wolferl,
his cleft chin held high,
expecting approval.

I nodded. But my nod
was like small change
dropped in a beggar’s palm.

Finally Wolferl broke his silence:
he had no time
to take on new students...

But as he walked the young man out,
he patted him on the back…I heard him whisper
"the future is yours."

"Who was that?"
one of our guests asked, lured
from the next room by the music.

Just then our other guests, thinking
Wolfer was playing
because he missed their company,
wobbled back into the room--

spilling their wine on the floor and piano,
their loud, hoarse voices
soon raised in a drinking song

the wild young man who had left
quickly forgotten.


v1:
Beethoven Plays for Mozart

Guests having shown up
under the disguise
of helping me pack
to move to a cheaper lodging

were raising toasts
and fiddling with their violins
or trying to pull
our pretty housekeeper
into an improvised duet.

Winking at me
Constanze herded them
into an adjoining room.

Sheets of Don Giovanni
lay strewn about the floor.
I was picking up the score,
bent over--
my arse
a cannon of farts
when a sixteen year old boy
with a pock marked face
and bushy eyebrows
strode in,

handed me a piece of paper,
an introduction from Count
or Prince or Something da-da-da-DA

and I flung a disgusted hand
towards the fortepiano,
having no time for this.

Finishing he looked at me,
his cleft chin held high...
but I had no time to take on new students...

I walked the young man out
patting him on the back...whispering
"the future is yours."

"Who was that?"
Constanze asked, lured
from the next room by the music.

Just then my guests, thinking
I was playing
because I missed their company,
wobbled back into the room--

spilling their wine on the floor and piano,
their loud, hoarse voices
soon raised in a drinking song

the wild young man who had left
quickly forgotten.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1232
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Nov 2020, 00:20

Fiddle with this more. It's a good premise, but it's too dependent on the last verse.

This was a pivotal moment in history. Beethoven's father used to wake him in the middle of the night to practice because he wanted Ludwig to be another Mozart

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1673
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Nov 2020, 02:55

Ken, thx for commenting. Fiddle with it how? I'm open to any suggestions.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1232
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Nov 2020, 07:11

I would think of concision. Many lines have the informality of being "telling". Too, the fart reference might be better placed in another poem. These two men have had so much written about the. This is the first poem Ive read about them together. Perhaps show through the eyes of those in attendance.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1673
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Nov 2020, 09:10

Thanks, Ken, for your help and honesty. I have reworked the poem with your advice in mind. Unfortunately, the poem is even longer. But it is told from another person's viewpoint, his wife's. Let me know what you think. I always value your opinion.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1232
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Nov 2020, 14:29

I like this better. Despite it being longer, it's far less telling

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1673
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Nov 2020, 10:10

Ken, I appreciate your comment. Can I bug you one more time and ask you to point out the lines in v2 that are telling? Appreciate it. Bob

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1232
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 22 Nov 2020, 18:05

None. I meant V2 was less telling than the original

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1705
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#9 Post by Michael (MV) » 22 Nov 2020, 21:32

Hi Bob,

without Beethoven in the title - title as:

A Student Auditions for Mozart

then mention the student's name here:

a sixteen year old boy
with a pock marked face,
bushy eyebrows, and the name
Beethoven.


😎

Michael (MV(

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1673
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Beethoven Plays for Mozart

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 22 Nov 2020, 22:11

Thanks, Ken. Michael, I like your suggestion...I'll think about it.

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”