Road I Never Cross

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meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Road I Never Cross

#1 Post by meenas17 » 12 Jan 2021, 19:44

Hard to go around doing chores
day in and day out performing
the same old in small or large dose
turns killing.

Sighing and heaving I go abou.t
phone calls, guests dropping
in between. I carry on, no doubt'
with exhaustions interfering.

It so happens this morn
a trouble brews up all too sudden
accusing the one who has gone
she who had a heart golden

I hear a speech in drawl
that of a gossip involving a few
who brag and brawl
as if issues stand in queue.

Setting aside their scowl
I retreat to my room
shutting away from their howl
which, on them, will inflict a doom.

Unable to fit into the culture
where tongues spite
like a wild vulture
I wish to take flight.

One from hence
not one of impermanence
but into the dense
amalgamating in the intense.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1714
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Road I Never Cross

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jan 2021, 08:36

I like the subject but look to say things simply...don’t sacrifice your poem to rhyme. Speak normally. For example, these lines

performing
the same old in small or large dose
turns killing.

and here... the 3rd line is troubling ... we would say conversationally “she who had a golden heart”...

a trouble brews up all too sudden
accusing the one who has gone
she who had a heart golden

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Road I Never Cross

#3 Post by meenas17 » 14 Jan 2021, 17:37

It is an attempt, Bob. Learning to do something different.
Is it strained and artificial?
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1714
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Road I Never Cross

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jan 2021, 21:59

I find rhyming extremely difficult. Few poets these days rhyme successfully. If they do, it's usually with half rhymes. I'm an utter failure when it comes to rhyming. It's a skill set that requires years of working regularly with it. It looks much easier than it is.

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Billy
Posts: 1036
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Road I Never Cross

#5 Post by Billy » 15 Jan 2021, 02:08

I believe the rhymes work better in this poem than in your rewrite of Kaliuga. Still, the rhyming gets awfully overblown as in the final stanza.

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