Kaliyuga

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meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Kaliyuga

#1 Post by meenas17 » 10 Jan 2021, 18:17

Revision 1

Weathermen come up dry
when asked why
it rains this time of the year
when the monsoon goes rear.

The past year full of scare
leaves the astrologers to glare
at their prediction chart
a miscalculation in short.

Pulling their sleeves up gallantly
their claim of indicating nonchalantly
about the issues hovering around health
speaks of their stealth.

Anomalies grow with aplomb
fraud, robbery, rape. along
with rashness, political folly
result in an unsung melancholy.

It is Kaliyuga when the habitation
experiences a chaotic exasperation
live with a fear the world will be destroyed
by floods or fire enforcing a void,

where people will die eventually
animals fall lifeless to equate the tally
a calamity as foretold in the legends
when Lord Krishna would descend.


Original

Weathermen do not know
why there are rains?
at this part of the year, while
the monsoons have ended.
When questioned draw blank.

The year that was, filled
with scare, where the
pandemic did not come
under any astrological map,
Calculations go wrong.

The claim it has been predicted
as health issues will make life
terrible at the onset of next year
appears an after thought. None
will accept defeat.

Anomalies abound
fraud, rape, robbery,
political folly, rashness
create hell. The world
is under undue pressure.

Kaliyuga marches fast,
the belief goes as such
world will end either
by floods or by fire
in hundred years.

the happenings that occur
drive one to sense
an immediate calamity
with people dying
one way or other.
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1730
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Kaliyuga

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 10 Jan 2021, 20:17

Hi meenas,

Here is a workshop of your opening stanza

Weathermen come up dry
when asked why
there are rains at this part of the year
when the monsoons have ended.

Siva, to me, the voice & vision of your poem, Kaliyuga, is in kinship with Yeats' "Second Coming":

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Sec ... ing_(poem)

If you are not familiar with this poet & poem, I believe you will find making the acquaintance a welcomed addition to your frame of reference.


Happy New Year

😎

Michael (MV)

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kaliyuga

#3 Post by meenas17 » 11 Jan 2021, 17:16

Thanks, Michael.

Your workshopping lends an impetus to the poem.
I will revise accordingly.

I am familiar with Yeats but have not read the poem.
I will read and try to improve mine.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kaliyuga

#4 Post by meenas17 » 12 Jan 2021, 13:58

Revised with Michael's suggestion in mind and after reading Yeats " Second Coming"
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1714
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Kaliyuga

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Jan 2021, 08:27

Working with rhyme is a difficult skill set. I give you credit for taking up the challenge. I especially liked the coupling of “eventually” and “tally”.

One of the things about The Second Coming is its strong and unusual imagery. Look to strengthen that part of your game as well. We can all improve there...

meenas17
Posts: 740
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Kaliyuga

#6 Post by meenas17 » 14 Jan 2021, 17:43

How can I compete with Yeats? Bob.
I did my best. I did work hard.
The imagery part goes missing.
Another exercise!
meenas17

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