Desire

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 1919
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Desire

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 15 Jul 2021, 20:39

Desire

Walking through this park
seeing lovers on a bench
I’m like a taxi driver at a stop light,
smiling approvingly in his rear view mirror
at the couple entwined in a long kiss.

Desire. It sleeps more and more
like an aging cat. Still the urge
to fall in love again is there.

I look for carnations
and forget-me-nots
to bring home to my wife,
who will slice diagonally their stems,

their floating scents recalling
old memories when we drifted
against each other, our eyes
shining like creek water.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1561
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Desire

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 17 Jul 2021, 20:54

I like this sweet cameo, Bob.
Suggest:

[A walk through the park.
Lovers entwine
I am like a taxi-driver looking
through a rear-view mirror
approving their long kiss.]

Walking through this park
seeing lovers on a bench
I’m like a taxi driver at a red light,
smiling approvingly in his rear view mirror
at the couple entwined in a long kiss.

Desire. It sleeps more and more
like an aging cat. Still the urge[The urge . . .}
to fall in love again is there.

I look for carnations
and forget-me-nots
to bring home to my wife,
who will slice diagonally their stems, [who will slice their stems diagonally.]

their floating scents recalling [their scent recalls]
old memories when we drifted [memories when we drifted]
against each other, our eyes
shining like creek water. [shining like a creek under a full moon.]

Yours works, I am just suggesting my preferences.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1919
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Desire

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Jul 2021, 06:16

Thanks, Frank. I am in the middle of moving and have little time but I will consider your welcomed suggestions when I get a chance.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1107
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Desire

#4 Post by Billy » 24 Jul 2021, 05:03

I really like shining like creek water; it grew on me. God, I know this sentiment.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1854
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Desire

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 24 Jul 2021, 18:28

Hi Bob,

Yes, I took a shine to that image since reading this poem last week - and I have carried a shine for creeks since boyhood

😎

Michael, a water boy

Billy wrote:
24 Jul 2021, 05:03
I really like shining like creek water; it grew on me. God, I know this sentiment.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1854
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Desire

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 25 Jul 2021, 01:12

Hi Bob,

The driver's smile & kissing couple occupy the same space(and yet they don't) - I like that, and would like to see it phrased to expressed that composition. And, maybe stop light for "red light"?

Walking through this park,
seeing lovers on a bench,
I’m like a taxi driver at a stop light,
his approving smile in the rear view mirror,
lingering with the couple entwined in a long kiss.


Workshop-share for the 2nd:

It sleeps more and more
like an aging cat. Yet the desire to fall
in love again wakes from a dream.


8)

Michael (MV)


BobBradshaw wrote:
15 Jul 2021, 20:39
Desire

Walking through this park
seeing lovers on a bench
I’m like a taxi driver at a red light,
smiling approvingly in his rear view mirror
at the couple entwined in a long kiss.

Desire. It sleeps more and more
like an aging cat. Still the urge
to fall in love again is there.

I look for carnations
and forget-me-nots
to bring home to my wife,
who will slice diagonally their stems,

their floating scents recalling
old memories when we drifted
against each other, our eyes
shining like creek water.
 
 
 

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1919
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Desire

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jul 2021, 19:23

"Stop light" it is. Thx

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