Tornado

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BobBradshaw
Posts: 2198
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Tornado

#1 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 May 2022, 06:55

V2:

Tornado

My friends’ warnings about her
eluded me,
like the crackling of tornado alerts
over radio channels.

She stormed in, my heart
like a small bird
flushed out of the bushes
into the dizzying air.

I threw everything aside
to be with her.
Job, family, commitments.

The creek sings the same tune
over and over, the wind
whistling its song
by rote. I too have only

one song--how she left in a huff,
leaving memories
of love and hot nights,
each of us taking turns

riding over each other
like rough surf.

My heart is a roof
which has flown off like a hat,
trampled and flattened.

Everywhere I look
cars have taken to the air,
many upside down
among the branches of trees

--my hopes a spent passion,
buttons off a ripped shirt.


V1:
Tornado

My friends’ warnings about her
went over my head,
like the crackling of tornado alerts
over radio channels.

She stormed in, my heart
like a small bird
flushed out of the bushes
into the dizzying air.

I threw everything aside—
job, family, commitments—
to be with her.

She is selfish, and will leave you
without remorse,
friends said. Now all day
I wonder where she is.

The creek sings the same tune
over and over, the wind
whistling its song
by rote. I too have only

one song--how she left in a huff,
leaving memories
of love and hot nights,
each of us taking turns

riding over each other
like rough surf.

My heart is a roof
which has flown off like a hat,
trampled and flattened.

Everywhere I look
cars have taken to the air,
many upside down
among the branches of trees

--my hopes a spent passion,
buttons off a ripped shirt.

capricorn
Posts: 373
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Tornado

#2 Post by capricorn » 27 May 2022, 23:41

BobBradshaw wrote:
21 May 2022, 06:55
Tornado

A great read, Bob and I love the metaphors. I think it could be trimmed a bit in parts. A few thoughts -
My friends’ warnings about her
went over my head, .....................perhaps a bit cliche?
like the crackling of tornado alerts
over radio channels.

She stormed in, my heart
like a small bird
flushed out of the bushes
into the dizzying air.

I threw everything aside—
job, family, commitments—
to be with her.

Possibly-

I threw everything aside—
to be with her.
job, family, commitments—

She is selfish, and will leave you
without remorse,

Now all day
I wonder where she is.

Perhaps put speech in italics and miss out 'friends said'

The creek sings the same tune
over and over, the wind
whistling its song
by rote. I [too] have only

one song--how she left in a huff,
leaving memories
of love and hot nights,
each of us taking turns

riding over each other
like rough surf.

My heart is a roof
which has flown off like a hat,
trampled and flattened.

Everywhere I look
cars have taken to the air,
many upside down
among the branches of trees

--my hopes a spent passion,
buttons off a ripped shirt.
Just a few thoughts. Some great lines.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2198
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Tornado

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 May 2022, 03:27

Thanks, Eira. I will make a couple adjustments.

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