Climate

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Climate

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 06 Jun 2012, 20:29

Kodaikanal

The observatory draws tourists
who come to see dark spots in the sun.

Here they talk ‘climate.’ Space is a snapshot,
a museum of telescopes and explanatory pictures.
Each dark spot is bigger in size than the earth.

Favorable changes might happen, more rains,
unusual, unseasonal blooming of the Kurunchi flowers.

At the house the flowers are the same pastel shades
of intermingled bright hues. Turnips, carrots, bush beans
and herbs thrive in the backyard.

We pretend three or four days in a hill station
can reduce the heat of our working days.

Once my half sari twined around the oars of a boat.

Now I search the meaning of 'Manorama'
Krishna as the full filler of Eternal Bliss
in these hills.










Climate -edited with Yoly's paring down



Kodaikanal

I remember the cold air
and my half sari twining
around the oars of a boat.

today the square bungalow's
kitchen is longer; an outhouse
edges the boundary, with a basement flat.

The observatory above the hills draws tourists
who come to see dark spots in the sun.

Favorable rains might fall and
unseasonal Kurunchi flowers may bloom.

Here they talk ‘climate’ , space is snapshot and
it is a museum of telescopes and explanatory pictures.
Each dark spot is bigger in size than the earth.

At the house the flowers are the same pastel shades
with intermingled bright hues. Turnips, carrots, bush beans
and herbs still thrive in the backyard.

We like to pretend three or four days in a hill station
can reduce the blaring heat of our working days.

Now
I search the meaning of 'Manorama'
Krishna as the full filler of Eternal Bliss
in these hills.




Climate-reworked

Kodaikanal

The first time I remembered the cold
I also remembered my half sari twining
around the oars of a boat.
Today
the spread out square bungalow is the same
only the kitchen has been extended; an outhouse
edges the boundary, with a basement flat.
Up above the hills the observatory draws tourists
who come to see the dark spots in the sun.
Favorable changes might happen, more rains,
unusual, unseasonal blooming of the Kurunchi flowers.
Here they talk ‘climate’ , space is snapshot and
it is a museum of telescopes and explanatory pictures.
Each dark spot is bigger in size than the earth.
Back to the house the flowers are the same pastel shades
with intermingled bright hues. We also get our turnips ,
carrots, bush beans and the herbs in the backyard.
We like to pretend the three or four days in a hill station
can reduce the blaring heat of our working days.
Now
I search the meaning of 'Manorama'
Krishna as the full filler of Eternal Bliss
in these hills.












Kodaikanal

The first time I remember the cold
was not when I was a school girl
but as an adolescent experimenting with emotions.
My feelings spread and I searched for warmth
I also remember my half sari twining
around the oars of a boat. Today
the spread out square bungalow is the same
only the kitchen has been extended; an outhouse
edges the boundary, with a basement flat.
Up above the hills the observatory draws tourists
who come to see the dark spots in the sun.
Favorable changes might happen, more rains,
unusual, unseasonal blooming of the Kurunchi flowers.
Here they talk ‘climate’ , space is snapshot and
it is a museum of telescopes and explanatory pictures.
Each dark spot is bigger in size than the earth.
Back to the house the flowers are the same pastel shades
with intermingled bright hues. We also get our turnips ,
carrots, bush beans and the herbs in the backyard.
We like to pretend the three or four days in a hill station
can reduce the blaring heat of our working days.
Now
I search the meaning of 'Manorama'
Krishna as the full filler of Eternal Bliss
in these hills.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Climate

#2 Post by FrankDyer » 07 Jun 2012, 04:14

I liked this poem, a picture of India.
It's a bit prosaic and needs pruning. Your opening is OK but it is remembered not remember. In fact you could say it better and shorter, do we need to know you were not a school girl, you tell us as much in saying you were an adolecent. Maybe you could use:

My earliest memories of the cold ...

It is a story, and we like stories...yes
About a return to an old house, a much loved house...in India.

I wonder if toursit is the right way to describe these astrologers, they are scientists I suppose and not pleaurre seekering tourists otehrwise I liked. You meander in your mind, not a bad thing for a poet, I liked the experience.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Climate

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 07 Jun 2012, 12:33

Frank
Thanks for your feedback.I started on an emotional note then went into a mundane description of the house and if the poem had ended on an equally emotional tone it would have made sense.
Can you give any more suggestions in this area?

User avatar
Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: Climate

#4 Post by Yoly » 12 Jun 2012, 21:15

Good afternoon, Siva

I always like to read about a place tucked in memory.
I think a little paring back might enhance the read.


Kodaikanal

I remember the cold air
and my half sari twining
around the oars of a boat.

Today
the spread out (spread out: how? Don't know if it is needed.) square bungalow is the same

today the square bungalow's
kitchen is longer; an outhouse
edges the boundary, with a basement flat.


Up above the hills the observatory draws tourists

The observatory above the hills draws tourist
who come to see (the) dark spots in the sun.

Favorable (changes might happen, more) rains
might fall and unseasonal Kurunchi flowers may bloom.

Here they talk ‘climate’ , space is snapshot and
it is a museum of telescopes and explanatory pictures.
Each dark spot is bigger in size than the earth.

At (Back to) the house the flowers are the same pastel shades
with intermingled bright hues. (We also get our) Turnips,
carrots, bush beans and herbs still thrive in the backyard.

We like to pretend (the) three or four days in a hill station
can reduce the blaring heat of our working days.
Now
I search the meaning of 'Manorama'
Krishna as the full filler of Eternal Bliss
in these hills.

I would love to see the spiritual aspect extended.
It is af if all that was said before the last line was to mention eternal bliss.

Peace,
Y

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Climate

#5 Post by FrankDyer » 17 Jun 2012, 04:21

I like this final edit. To me it has shades of Kipling yet without his dated, but enjoyable rhyme, it is evokative and brings to the senses Imperial India. The old India that has faded now in the light of industrial development and Bohpol carnage.

Yes, very well done.

I am in a hole at the moment and cannot dream up any work of merit. I know what I want to say yet lack the tools to do the job.
When reading Catcher in the Rye we think, I could have written that. And yet the obvious eludes us and we drop back onto old worn out cliches, your poem is refreshingly fresh and yet so very old, as old as India itself.

User avatar
Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: Climate

#6 Post by Yoly » 18 Jun 2012, 18:01

The poem is polished, Siva.
Your edits took care of the excesses but the reader still gets much to enjoy.

Cheers

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