prey

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OCTOGENARIAN
Posts: 78
Joined: 01 Nov 2008, 02:14

prey

#1 Post by OCTOGENARIAN » 27 Jun 2012, 15:37

I had just flopped onto our bed
wrapped in exhausted flesh and old blankets
when I remembered leaving a book outside
and decided to drag my pathetic body to the backyard to get it
when I finally got out there
I stood humbled with eyes suddenly fully alert
staring at the little blinking bombs of yellow light
that exploded and radiated like dying, then resurrected stars-
glowing,inferno eyes
hovering in the woods behind our house

for a moment, I thought a pair of those eyes were yours
remembering how they glared at me earlier in the day
with the same burning intensity
I realized then, that it was me, who made you become this wild predator
that now stalked the trees late into the night
after I pictured your face from long ago, when I could still make you smile
I decided to sleep out on the old lounge chair
and let the wildfire eyes fly closer and closer towards me

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

too wordy

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Jul 2012, 05:57

Octo
If only you would rewrite it --perhaps with the second stanza coming first.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: prey

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Jul 2012, 11:30

Octo
I have taken the liberty of cut and paste because you let it aside.Now I think the poem looks neater.Forgive me if I have trespassed.

I thought those pair of eyes were yours
how they glared at me earlier in the day
burning intensity,you
became this wild predator
that now stalked the trees late into the night.
Long ago, when I could still make you smile;
it was me who made you (to) hover
in the woods behind our house.

Earlier I had just flopped onto our bed
exhausted flesh [and] in old blankets
leaving a book outside; to get it
I dragged my [pathetic](some other word) body to the backyard
when I finally got out there
I stood with eyes full alert staring
at the little blinking bombs of yellow light that
exploded and radiated like dying itself;
resurrected stars- glowing, inferno eyes.
I knew it was me who had made you
to hover in the woods behind our house.

I decided to sleep out on the old lounge chair
willing those wildfire eyes fly closer and closer towards me.



I am very happy with my editing.At last this forum has given me confidence.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: prey

#4 Post by FrankDyer » 30 Jul 2012, 18:29

I think I know what you are trying to say, just wish it wasn't so prosaic. It could be a good poem. Needs work.

User avatar
Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: prey

#5 Post by Yoly » 13 Aug 2012, 23:07

Hi Octo

I wondered why there’s a lack of punctuation in some areas.
Overall, I was interested, though some areas might need a little extra attention.

I had just flopped onto our bed
wrapped in exhausted flesh and old blankets
when I remembered leaving a book outside
and decided to drag my pathetic body to the backyard to get it(.)

Here, “pathetic” reads more like an effort to get the reader to pity the speaker.
Is there something specific that makes their body pathetic? Is it really guilt translated into pity?

when I finally got out there
I stood humbled with eyes suddenly fully alert

Again, I cannot feel that the speaker was humbled, only that the speaker wishes to gain sympathy,
which isn’t a bad thing but the mere mention of words like “pathetic” and “humbled” does not get me to say
” Ah, yes, I see it.”

staring at the little blinking bombs of yellow light (Too many modifiers?) I tend to use them, sometimes excessively…but too many take the light away from the crux.
that exploded and radiated like dying, then resurrected stars- (I don’t know about dying and resurrected stars. Does it impact this verse?)
glowing,inferno eyes
hovering in the woods behind our house



for a moment I thought a pair of those eyes were yours
remembering how they glared at me earlier in the day
with the same burning intensity.
I realized, it was me who made you wild,
a predator that stalked trees late into the night.
After I pictured your face from long ago, when I could still make you smile
I decided to sleep out on the old lounge chair (Is it rusted; is it green; is it made of wood?)
and let the wildfire eyes fly closer and closer towards me


Hope any of this helps

Cheers

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: prey

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Sep 2012, 11:32

Octo
it is impossible to figure out how you have edited,because there is only one version.This poem should not have been abandoned.

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