"independence"

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Michael (MV)
Posts: 1610
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

"independence"

#1 Post by Michael (MV) » 08 Jul 2012, 05:27

Uncle Sam--
where ever I go
his closed-circuit holds watch on me


Regardless I'm following the Shepherd
my feet stepping in the right line

firm as a planted flag
upon the universe

not GPS     Divine Providence
unfurling on a voyage through the vision


Vigilance   He leaves the fold for every one

my stars & stripes
you'll keep me forever

I am with you all ways

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "independence"

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 12 Jul 2012, 08:05

Michael

I like the earlier unedited version.I did not respond immediately ,not because I could not get the poem,but I wanted the words to seep in.This looks as if you are treating the reader as an imbecile.

Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "independence"

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 12 Jul 2012, 09:16

Michael

Sorry if I sounded rude.Please post the unedited earlier version.

Siva

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "independence"

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 13 Jul 2012, 06:18

Michael
Is it not understood that it is

'not GPS' but ' Divine Providence'

and that He keeps constant vigilance that is why
[Vigilance ] He leaves the fold for every one.

????
Siva

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1610
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: "independence"

#5 Post by Michael (MV) » 15 Jul 2012, 03:29

Hi Siva,

Thanks for reading, and commenting,

and your interest in the well-being of the poem

^^ that is an admirable workshop quality.

Overwritten - I believe that you find the revised/rewrite overwritten

^^ And your observation & concern are respectfully received.


I felt the original - which I have included here below per your request - was/is still too much of a draft; needed to evolve a bit more flesh(image-making),
but hoped to avoid devolving w/ fat (inflation).

Example:

from earlier "his view keeps watch on me"

to "a closed-circuit holds watch on me"

^^ and here now, the pronoun replaced with the impersonal. indefinite article.


In revising, I imagined reading it out loud to an audience, who, of course, would not have the text before them. I believe this is how the superfluous appeared in the text.

"Vigilance" Yes, I before on the page is not needed.

However, re "not GPS       Divine Providence"

^^ this is a pivotal line on which the negated metonymic image, "not GPS," is jutxed with the absolute Divine Providence. I believe it is @ home in the pome.


Too, in general, the revised further revels in the remix of patriotic & Biblical; this necessitates more lines for figurative language & connotation; e.g.

"my feet stepping in the right line

firm as a planted flag
upon a universe"

^^ which, now, @ this sitting, I'm hearing/seeing possibly as:

my footsteps falling in the right line

firm as a planted flag
upon a universe

not GPSed     the higher staff
unfurling on a voyage through the vision


^^ ("See, Mother, how I make all things new again.")



Thanks again, Siva, for workshopping.

In the spirit of creativity,

Michael (MV)



Uncle Sam--
where ever I go
his view keeps watch on me

instead I'm following the Shepherd
on a sojourn to the vision
my stars & stripes forever


 
 

 

 
 
 



 
 

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: "independence"

#6 Post by FrankDyer » 15 Jul 2012, 03:45

Horray!!! one of Michael's poem's I can comment on, uhm actually the only one so far.

Its a poem based squarly in the Christian culture rather than say the Jewish, or Muslim, Hindu or any other culture. Unless you are Western you may strugle with some of the concepts.

The writer compared the American cult of flag waving with that of a fully fledged religion, it isn' but some people wave that flag so hard and for so long it may seem like it. A useful exercise for those about to die in Afghanistan and other minor skimishes where the West, under the guise of the UN , plays world policeman.

The poet refers to Uncle Sam, an euphanism for the USA and how he is watched everywhere he goes by close circuit TV rather as God was at one time taught to the people that He watches over His people constantly. It is a wry comment on Western life and possibly universal life.
Uncle Sam--
where ever I go
his closed-circuit holds watch on me

The poem reeks of sarcasm in every stanza but it is worth reading as the seniments closely alloy mine. God is known as the shepherd and he compares Uncle Sam to God again. He refers to a flag, this is the gingoism of the modern America, flag waving and death. But the poet is true to his country and dosn't shake the boat, he steps rigth up with the herd or flock and is true to that image.

Regardless I'm following the Shepherd
my feet stepping in the right line

firm as a planted flag
upon the universe

Here the poet refers to the ability of GPS to locate anyone who holds a mobile phone to within a few feet wherever he is on this planet and possibly on the moon as well rather like God. I mean these are God-like atributes.

not GPS Divine Providence
unfurling on a voyage through the vision

The poet refers to the gingoistic 'American Dream' a vision, not a true vison as America is rapidly losing influence in the world now against the rise of Asian power and the European Union and China holding 30 trillion dollars of American debt. Fold is reference to sheep and guarding the flock, safe in a fold with the good shepherd.


Vigilance He leaves the fold for every one


my stars & stripes
you'll keep me forever

Easy to understand as wry tongue-in-the-cheek sarcasm of a system that is worn out and as cliche ridden as Amerian might and power and world influnece not to mention the intrusivness of the modern world. we are all sick of it and long for an old fashioned world ...but then old fashioned was Hitler, Tojo and Mussolini!!!!.

A good poem if a little over done, it flumoxed one person but much better than the usual strange esoteric works churned out by poet Mike.

Why is the forum dying, why is an editor asking about old posts that the administrators wiped out? Why so little response to many excellent replies and why so much apathy? Pneumbra excluded, she has alway contributed on a vast scale.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: "independence"

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 23 Jul 2012, 09:49

Michael and Frank
I got the patriotic because of the title ,but just thought GPS was too mundane to be written in par with Divine Providence.I am learning a lot in this forum ,especially the grammar coaching of Micheal and the world politics in the American scenario,of Frank.Thanks
I did not post because I thought I had overstepped my comments.

User avatar
Yoly
Posts: 274
Joined: 20 Apr 2005, 22:44

Re: "independence"

#8 Post by Yoly » 13 Aug 2012, 22:07

I thought Frank's observation was interesting.
I will chew on it for a bit.
Frank, perhaps the summer season finds people under its hot sun.
I'm not one to display why I'm here ot not.
Glad poems are being posted.

Cheers

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