Incident At Spaces

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Incident At Spaces

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 08 Aug 2012, 06:05

Atsushi Takenouchi
unwinds slowly
like a robot keyed up
let loose on a spring.

I tried counting his ribs
outside his ribcage.
One could have drawn
a skeletal diagram.
I could hear the blood
course up and down his spine
along with the contraction
of muscles in his chest—
like a kavadi carrier
poking spears in his jaw and belly.

I hold my breath as Takenouchi
steps from the stage and clings to a tree.
I name all the animals we have seen thus far.

Now I can go home to say
''I found my god in a dance.''

I found my God in a dance
He moved between the branches
of a tree where Chandralekha
might have sipped tea
thus, and walked like Moses.













Atsushi Takenouchi unwinds slowly
like a robot keyed up
let loose on a spring.

I tried counting his ribs
outside his ribcage.
One could have drawn
a skeletal diagram.
I could hear the blood
course up and down his spine
and the contraction of muscles,
in his chest—
like a kavadi carrier poking spears in his jaw
and belly.

I hold my breath as Takenouchi steps from the stage
and clings to a tree, I name.
all the animals we have seen thus far.

Now I can go home to say I found my god in a dance:
I found my God in a dance:
he moved between the branches
of a tree (where Chandralekha
might have sipped tea)
and walked like Moses.

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: Incident At Spaces

#2 Post by FrankDyer » 08 Aug 2012, 13:21

A mixture of cultures here, not a bad thing, a Japanese dancer dances and is likened to a Tamil dancer dancing to his god or one of his gods. Then even stranger Moses is introduced as if the Indian subcontinent now embraces an Iraeli/Christian figure. Why not one may ask, why not indeed...only they all can't be right, can they? I mean if Jesus is God, immutable and the only true God how can any other god be God?

Atsushi Takenouchi unwinds slowly
like a robot keyed up
let loose on a spring.

I tried counting his ribs
outside his ribcage.
One could have drawn
a skeletal diagram.
I could hear the blood
course up and down his spine
and the contraction of muscles,
in his chest—
like a kavadi carrier poking spears in his jaw
and belly.

I hold my breath as Takenouchi steps from the stage
and clings to a tree, I name.
all the animals we have seen thus far.

Now I can go home to say i [capital for the 'I'] found my god in a dance:
I found my God in a dance:

[convention, captial 'G' for God but only if speaking of the one true God, and small 'g' when speaking of idols or false gods or minor god in pagan religions. The problem arises when writing between cultures is on defining he one true God!]

he moved between the branches
of a tree( where Chandralekha [You are the only person I have met who has typos worse than mine, so good to meet you. [space between a bracket]
might have sipped tea ) [no space inside the brackets (thus)]
and walked like Moses. [How did Moses walk?]

I find your poetry intriguing, facinating really, hope you get past the any revulsion inherent in the workshopping process. It is hard to get your worked poked at and prodded by lesser poets. I suggest you go over any work posted in minute detail and remove these gliches before we unmask them. Alternatively if you are a bad typer like me why not use WORD, it will rectify your grammatical and punctuation errors automatically. You are what is referred to as a natural, although you lack disicpline and show a lack of formal education you have qualities that cannot be taught. The lesser dicsipline of punctuation and grammar can easily be learned, your particular skill in story telling, narrative and beauty of expression cannot easily be taught.

The rules of grammar are very simple, so I would advise that you keep them simple. Give up the semi colan (;) and stick to simple sentences for now. Remember spaces after a period (full stopp and comma), not the use of brackets. These type of brackets [thus] are editor's brackets. You tend to use long sentences with many commas, as a general rule never use more than three commas, but generally use only one or two at most in a sentence. If you find that you have run-on sentences try to phrae the wording to make simple semetences.

Some poets use no punctuation at all, some punctuate throughout. Generally the rule is all or nothing. But in my opinion using lower case for all the work is banal and unecessary.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1133
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Incident At Spaces

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 09 Aug 2012, 05:32

Frank
Thanks for the work-shopping.

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