[size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

[size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 25 Mar 2013, 07:20

Edit-1
Purana Quila

Father often spoke about the Mughals
their life and art and architecture,
the exquisite red stones
and marbles of Purana Quila.

''A fort,'' he said, ''a great
treasure of India.

Daddy's history
also a great treasure;''

puffing away his Will Filter cigarette
telling us about Humayun,
the architect.

Humayun in a desert
puffing away a handful of chaff,
‘’let you fame spread like this’’ he said
holding the unwashed Akbar in his hands.

Humayun did not name
the city after himself,
huddled with his star maps,
peering into the telescopes
of his private library.

Humayun rests in a nearby
tomb where Indraprastha
sleeps and earthenware
vessels survive;

Now, my father's sleeps
remembered in my poems.

My imagination
places my poem between
earthenware of Purana Quila
and my father who puffs
into a Wills Filter cigarette;

Endless gaze upon his favorite site
of tireless India.

Purana Quila

Forts stand fortified
exquisite marble, red stones
mark heritages of India

architectural authority
tall, brave, deep foundations
as only master engineers can.

Humayun who left
Sher Shah who took over
added magnificence to interiors.

Daddy's history was like a story
can see him puffing away chaff like Humayun
remember asking in wonderment,
'how can a baby be born
in a desert, Dad, there are no hospitals, no doctors
Dad said 'it is natural.'

Horse shoe arches, well worked prayer places
frescos in marble, supplemented
with red stones symmetrically,and octagonal interiors

the well learned Humayun not naming the city
after himself, cuddled with books, peering into
telescopes in a private library

falling down a ladder slipping accidentally,
creating legend of a curse
and the reason for another fort

Humayun rests in a nearby tomb
where Indraprastha sleeps
Mahabharatha happened
as the earthenware vessels survive;

Purana Quila asli,
Indraprastha asli,
ruins and vessels asli,
1000 BC. asli;

my imagination,
this poem
placing my poetry somewhere
shadow Mughal puppets
all naqli.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1621
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 27 Mar 2013, 18:08

Hi Siva,

for now

all this:

Forts stand fortified
exquisite marble, red stones
mark heritages of India

architectural authority
tall, brave, deep foundations
as only master engineers can

^^ too wordy - perhaps said in half the word. "forts" & "fortified" - redundant



"Sher Shah who took over
added magnificence to interiors."

to

Sher Shah took over, and extended
the magnificence to interiors.


:)

Michael (MV)

 
  
 
 

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 27 Mar 2013, 20:16

Michael
Thanks for reading,and you edit suggestions. Please see if this is any better?

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#4 Post by Woetrame » 29 Mar 2013, 03:23

Is English your second language? If so this is an outstanding achievement because your rhyming and sibilance is so subtle as to be positively lulling. There is some tense shifting and grammatical free-licence, but nothing I haven't gotten away with myself as a native English speaker.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#5 Post by Billy » 29 Mar 2013, 23:55

Siva, I like the revision much better, it gets to the focus of the poem and eliminated a lot of facts that didn't seem important. I'm confused by this: Daddy's history
also a great treasure;'' Is this part of the dialogue spoken by the father above it b/c the punctuation shows that? Then is he talking about his daddy?

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#6 Post by FrankDyer » 13 May 2013, 16:15

Beuatiful evocative picture of an alian society with all its intimate family details, religion and culture. A vertable portal into the east.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1169
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: [size=150]Purana Quila[/size]

#7 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 May 2013, 20:48

Billy
You are right. There should be no quotation mark after treasure.

''A fort,'' he said, ''a great
treasure of India.''

Daddy's history
also a great treasure;

Frank
Thanks.This is one of my travelogue poems.When I visit a place I write something to help me remember.
Woetrame

Thank you.I must try reading my poems aloud while editing.

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