The meaning of life

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ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

The meaning of life

#1 Post by ednamode » 09 Sep 2013, 17:04

The meaning of life
is a note or a tune;
the unconscious tingle
of hearts set to bloom.

Your soul mate in life
one body one soul;
when life cannot part you
even when old.

Soaring in passions
the zenith of self;
glimpsing one's heaven
to take back to earth.

Aim higher still
to transcend every feeling;
and find your humanity
the greatest of meaning

Woetrame
Posts: 33
Joined: 12 Feb 2013, 03:35

Re: The meaning of life

#2 Post by Woetrame » 15 Sep 2013, 17:31

I like it!

"unconscious tingle" is especially nice, as is "Souring in passions the zenith of self; glimpsing one's heaven to take back to earth."

ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

Re: The meaning of life

#3 Post by ednamode » 15 Sep 2013, 21:20

thank you Woetrame im really pleased u like it thank you

ChanHurst
Posts: 5
Joined: 17 Sep 2013, 03:05

Re: The meaning of life

#4 Post by ChanHurst » 17 Sep 2013, 03:51

Just wanted to ask if you meant "soaring" or "souring"? This is a good piece, and I loved that it rhymed; kudos! :)

ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

Re: The meaning of life

#5 Post by ednamode » 17 Sep 2013, 13:51

sorry soaring of course apologise for error :)

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Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: The meaning of life

#6 Post by Billy » 18 Sep 2013, 21:00

To me, the mistake "souring in passions" is the most interesting part of the poem. I'd keep that and throw out the rest.

IapCharon
Posts: 17
Joined: 13 Jul 2013, 06:08

Re: The meaning of life

#7 Post by IapCharon » 18 Sep 2013, 22:49

Edna,

Here's what I suggest you consider keeping:

The meaning of life
is a note or a tune;
the unconscious tingle
of hearts set to bloom.

Live, tune, tingle, bloom -
Heart.


Your soul mate in life
one body one soul;
when life cannot part you
even when old.

Mate, body, part, age
Soul.

Soaring in passions
the zenith of self;
glimpsing one's heaven
to take back to earth.

Soar, self, glimpse, take back
Earth.


Aim higher still
to transcend every feeling;
and find your humanity
the greatest of meaning

Aim, transcend, feel, find -
Meaning.


Now...using above play with what you have:

The How to Meaning of Life

Live, mate, bloom, age -
Heart.
Tune, tingle, glimpse, part -
Soul.
Soar, self, feel, take back
Earth.
Aim, embody, find, transcend
Meaning.

ednamode
Posts: 13
Joined: 08 Sep 2013, 01:41

Re: The meaning of life

#8 Post by ednamode » 23 Sep 2013, 01:08

interesting IapCharon i need to thk about your reply i realise you are boiling down to essentials i may rewrite just to see what comes onto the page. thks

FrankDyer
Posts: 227
Joined: 17 May 2011, 06:28

Re: The meaning of life

#9 Post by FrankDyer » 23 Sep 2013, 03:16

The meaning of life
is a note or a tune;
the unconscious tingle
of hearts set to bloom.

Your soul mate in life
one body one soul;
when life cannot part you
even when old.

Soaring in passions
the zenith of self;
glimpsing one's heaven
to take back to earth.

Aim higher still
to transcend every feeling;
and find your humanity
the greatest of meaning

The response to this poem has been heartening, is it possible we growing into collection of poets sharing a common aim to share and interact in the love of our poem? I know Ann is highly regarded on this forum, but she contributes rarely.. its not efoten we see her work. I would like the forum to become more active.

For my critique I find this a fair effort at a regular traditional poetry with even an attempt at rhyme in places, but the attempt fades and we are left with an incomplete attempt and failure in that respect. The poem itself is mundane, it is rather washed out with no strong lines, no impetus, no impact, no emotional content just line after line of wishy-washiness.

I really could not read it again.

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