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On those long drives in our old Herald
you looked out of the glass window
counting coconut trees.

On Sundays we went to the Marina
and flew aeroplane kites;
I waited to see the stars.

On a train, going to your native land
for the ‘seventh–month carrying’ ceremony
I disembarked half way, afraid of facing your relatives.

How many years have you been married?
No creature, not even a worm growing in your tummy?
Do not procrastinate too long, the younger the brisker.

Tulsi, dainty maiden shrub, green goddess
for years I drank the syrup of your leaves to cure my cough
not knowing that you are the culprit.

I snatch your leaves out of the hands of all nubile girls
who chew your,'holy' leaves as prasad, offered by the priests
you are for the old who wants to kill these normal, natural urges.

Siva



At first nothing seemed unusual
not even counting coconut trees
up to the various time-pass outings,
or staring at the stars above Marina Beach.
Gradually queries of relatives
started to hurt just a little
at first, then deeper till a vacuum
rumbled in the underbelly. Barrenness
is a stigma much like widowhood
and the man gets away easy. Years
rolled slowly by till all the pathys
like allopathy, homeopathy, Siddha
were all tried and finally the culprit
Tulsi was identified; this Tulasi
that I chewed, to control my cough
this Tulasi was the cause of the
late coming of our issues. So that
I shake it out of the hands of all
nubile girls of our metropolis who
chew Tulsi leaves religiously.

Siva

I liked this very much, enjoyed the yarn as it unfolded, savoured the new words. I could poke at it but would it be any better, I wonder. You seem to have such differing styles of writing, its as if you are not one person. I prefer stanzas and they are helpful when a new thought is introduced.

At first nothing seemed unusual
not even counting coconut trees
up to the various time-pass outings, [time pass-outing is new to me]
or staring at the stars above Marina Beach.
Gradually queries of relatives [queries from relatives]
started to hurt just a little
at first, then deeper till a vacuum
rumbled in the underbelly. Barrenness [barrenness would be a good start to a stanza.
is a stigma much like widowhood [it is a stigma but is widowhood the same? widowhood has respect, barrenness elucidates pity?]
and the man gets away easy. Years
rolled slowly by till all the pathys
like allopathy, homeopathy, Siddha
were all tried and finally the culprit
Tulsi was identified; this Tulasi
that I chewed, to control my cough
this Tulasi was the cause of the
late coming of our issues. So that [issue as in issue of the lions, yes it wold be so easy to have put 'children', yet issue resonates well]
I shake it out of the hands of all
nubile girls of our metropolis who
chew Tulsi leaves religiously. [or: so assiduously]

I find that you are using your own way of saying things and I find that so attractive. It is the way I would expect the village girl to speak, even if she did live in a metropolis. It is the voice of India, even the most educated, the most erudite person from India betrays his continent by the odd word, a phrase, an unusual word not used so much here, viva la difference. Try to keep that voice, it is so important. It might seem overly descriptive in places, slightly prosaic, but you will have to decide that.

Frank

Thanks for your comments and your reworking. I am not able to come back to this,(the mood)hence the delay in replying.

Siva

 
Hi Siva,


3 workshop suggestions for your perusal & consideration        Michael (MV)


1/

"not knowing that you are the culprit."

as

not knowing you were the culprit.



2/ to eliminate a use of the word "leaves"

Tulsi, dainty maiden shrub, green goddess
for years I drank your syrup to cure my cough
not knowing that you are the culprit.

2a/ on a minor but fine-tuning note:

I'm also hearing the word potion for "syrup."
"syrup" is effective, yet "potion" brings connotation of evil.



3/

"I snatch your leaves out of the hands of all nubile girls
who chew your,'holy' leaves as prasad, offered by the priests
you are for the old who wants to kill these normal, natural urges."

as

I snatch your leaves out of the hands of all nubile girls
who chew your "holy" leaf as offered by the priests.
Prasad, agent of the old to kill normal urges of the natural.

or

Prasad, offered by the priests as a "holy" leaf to chew.
I snatch from of the reach of all nubile girls
that agent of old to kill normal urges of the natural.



 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Thank you Michael.

Thanks as usual,Michael.

 
Hi Siva,

I received word that because of the 4th of July holiday,
there will be just a little more time.

Then, I read with the suggested changes, and more workshopping has now occurred on that.


1/ re: "syrup" vs "potion"

Tulsi, dainty maiden shrub, green goddess
for years I drank your potion to cure my cough
not knowing that you were the culprit.

"for years I drank your potion to cure my cough"

^^ this is the before line - then, earlier, in the age of innocence

"not knowing that you were the culprit."

^^ this is the later now line- awareness - experience.


Now, with that reading in mind, and considering the sweet, unsuspecting connotations of "syrup":

Tulsi, dainty maiden shrub, green goddess
for years I drank your syrup to cure my cough
not knowing that you were the culprit.


Yet, "potion," too, might be retained/incorporated as:

Tulsi, dainty maiden shrub, green goddess
for years I drank your syrup to cure my cough
unaware your potion was culprit.


2/ and another tuning on that last stanza:

Prasad, offered by the priests as a "holy" leaf to chew.
I snatch from the reach of all nubile girls
that agent of old to kill normal urges of the natural.

now workshop suggested as:

Prasad, offered by the priests as an ancient "holy" leaf to chew.
I snatch from the reach of all nubile girls
that agent the old still use on the young and natural.

^^ "use on" in lieu of the explicit "kill"


Siva,

If you would like to make further changes,
then ASAP in the IBPC thread. Thanks.




Michael (MV)