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revision

I Let Myself Fall


I know my life
will end the way
a storm ceases―
dissolved in your image
already water

I’ll return
to your kindness―
sparkling wings
of dove spread more air
than hurricanes

a throb under
the asphalt awaits ...
the stream of life
that shapes and destroys me
arrives at your shrine

crossing your garden,
pierced so many times
by the bougainvillea
I turn away from life
forgetful of the tumble





original


I Let Myself Fall


I know my life
will end the way
a storm ceases―
dissolved in your image
already water

I’ll return
to your sweetness―
sparkling wings
of doves spread more air
than hurricanes

a throb under
the asphalt awaits ...
the stream of life
that shapes and destroys me
arrives at your shrine

crossing your garden,
pierced so many times
by the bougainvillea
I turn away from life
forgetful of the tumble

S---

sensuous, tasteful and heartache hovering in the background.

love this image:


crossing your garden,
pierced so many times
by the bougainvillea

one could see Christian iconography.

for me, it is simply freighted with a tenderness and undisclosed injury.


what i feel is overdone:

I’ll return
to your sweetness―
sparkling wings
of doves spread more air
than hurricanes

one dove, maybe, for the Christian imagery, and ditto sparkling wings, but not the word sweetness without a different orientation---irony, for example, or sarcasm.


sincerity is the most difficult emotion---


but a poem i enjoyed,


bernie

How about kindness instead of sweetness, Bernie?

SO

Your first and last stanzas work beautifully. Yes, as Bernie points out, to be pierced by a bougainvillea....well, wow....a terrific line

kindness works....we are on guard here to not become a greeting card verse, or worse.


let's see if i am the only one with this reservation.


such a sensitive poem deserves this additional, painstaking review.


bernie

Thank you Bob, thank you Bernie!

Sergio

I like the third stanza best.About the second stanza--it is a bit cloyed.The sense of sweetness without using the word,perhaps? I also like how the poem falls.

S

Thank you, Siva!


sergio

S---

i found myself reliving some of your past glory.

bernie


It’s a Wonderful Life Brandon
by Sergio Ortiz
The Waters
Second Place, March 2017
Judged by Sara Clancy


It’s a Wonderful Life Brandon
Larry Fobes King “Leticia”
January 13, 1993 – February 13, 2008
What’s up, baby?
It was the step that haunted,
the cold predatory act, the final step,
shards of the glass.
I filled the rooms of this school
with the scent of ghosts,
built the classroom out of Leticia’s sighs,
colored the halls with Larry’s anguish.
In school I wore a uniform
made from screams, like a window
between the cracks of air, or a leak
on its way down the steps of obsession.
“Baby,” the blaze of going to bits,
of keeping guilt and loss at bay,
of two shots in the back of Leticia’s head
the only solution.
The prosecuting attorney
walked through una hojarasca
on the way to her table. Her hair
full of dead, wet leaves. Hallway clatter
declared her ten pounds’ thinner.
The jury, untangling Brandon
and Leticia’s What’s up, baby?
The defense begged jurors leave
their conscience in the hallway,
and it worked.


The Judge:


Difficult to write a poem about a subject like this and not scream at the reader. Difficult to read a poem like this and not just scream. Lines like “I filled the rooms of this school/with the scent of ghosts” and “The prosecuting attorney /walked through una hojarasca/on the way to her table. Her hair/full of dead, wet leaves.” will haunt me. Disturbing, sad and superbly written. --Sara Clancy

That poem marked a change in my psyche, Bernie. My writing changed, my attitude towards trans people changed. That's how much reading and researching that sad, horrible crime affected me. It left a scar.

Sergio