Housing Board Flat ,Swathi Nagar

[SivaVelliangiri]

When I saw the partially built flats in the distance, I paused,
not really wanting to climb dusty construction ladders.
When completed, I did visit Amma's room,
splayed with sunlight like the gold pagoda of Mum Moorthis,
but featuring her single cot and night stand of ivory gods.

Her large window opened onto the parade ground where the RSS
drilled and each day passed as slowly as Amma with her metal
walker.

In this flat they hid scissors and knives, even caged the balcony,
but no one had thought of the danger in Puja flowers.
Ixora seeds, bleached green and ground as she had seen in movies.

When the government built these low cost apartments
there were no elevators. One still has to climb stairs.

Amma was immobile, her mind moved superfast.
She chewed enough dry flowers,
enough to cause an infection.

The desire to go is the same, only the means differs.
By now my brother had become an expert.
He knew how to bring the toxins out.
Hospitals were avoided.


I lusted for her diamonds, peacock pendant
with an emerald belly; and her pair of ear-studs.
How she engineered the show, brilliant.
She brought the mortar and pestle in her wheel chair
and powdered these glittering carbon stones.


The End

Amma wanted to end the hierarchy.
She swallowed the powdered diamonds.
But death came slowly, a long time after;
very slowly.













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(written in prose) Apologies.This will be the final poem of my Manuscript.I just want to see if the story works.

Having seen flats from afar, I waited not willing
to climb the construction ladders. When done
I visited them. The window of Amma's room
were on par with the golden pagoda of the Mum-
Moorthis. The larger window opened to the RSS grounds.
In this flat they hid scissors and knives, caged
their balcony, but none checked the Puja flowers.
Ixora seeds, green and ground were used in the movies.
When the government built these low cost apartments
no one thought of making elevators. Though Amma
was immobile, her mind moved superfast. She
just chewed enough dry flowers, enough to cause
an infection. The desire to go is the same, only
the means differs. By now my brother had become
an expert. He knew how to bring the toxic out.
Hospitals were avoided. I lusted for her diamonds
peacock pendant with an emerald belly; and her pair
of ear-studs. How she engineered the show, brilliant.
She brought the mortar and pestle in her wheel chair
and powdered carbon stones. The Kohinoor
had caused havoc. Years later the British Princess
was flung from her car. Amma wanted to end
the hierarchy. She swallowed the powdered diamonds.
But death came slowly, a long time after, very slowly.

[FranktheFrank]

Having seen flats from afar, I waited not willing
to climb the construction ladders.

Havind seen [insert definate article] flats from afar, I waited[comma],
not willing to climb the [leave out the definate article] construction ladders.
So you see the flats you intended to buy but paused before proceeding, not really wanting to climb dusty and possibly dangerous laders.

Redo:
When I saw the partially built flats in the distance, I paused,
not really wanting to climb dusty construction ladders.

When done
I visited them. The window of Amma's room
were on par with the golden pagoda of the Mum Moorthis.

When completed, I did visit, Amma's room
golden like the pagoda of Mum Moorthis.

The larger window opened to the RSS grounds.
In this flat they hid scissors and knives, caged
their balcony,

Her large window opened onto swathes of green lawns. This
and all windows caged, scissor and sharp implements hidden,

but no one had thought of the danger in puja flower seeds.


but none checked the puja flowers.
Ixora seeds, green and ground were used in the movies.
When the government built these low cost apartments
no one thought of making elevators. Though Amma
was immobile, her mind moved superfast. She
just chewed enough dry flowers, enough to cause
an infection. The desire to go is the same, only
the means differs. By now my brother had become
an expert. He knew how to bring the toxic out.
Hospitals were avoided. I lusted for her diamonds
peacock pendant with an emerald belly; and her pair
of ear-studs. How she engineered the show, brilliant.
She brought the mortar and pestle in her wheel chair
and powdered carbon stones. The Kohinoor
had caused havoc. Years later the British Princess
was flung from her car. Amma wanted to end
the hierarchy. She swallowed the powdered diamonds.
But death came slowly, a long time after, very slowly.

I like this story Siva, I have started some suggestions
you go on and complete. You lose the meaning in places
make sure you follow in order of events so we can follow.

[SOriz211]

Siva, I think this is written in the singular:


the means differ[s]

lusted for her diamond[s]

Other than this, I think the poem is great. I've loved your series.

Sergio

[SivaVelliangiri]

Will work on this,Sergio. I thought I would write out the conclusion in prose first.

Siva

[SivaVelliangiri]

Thanks for your edit Frank.I have started working on this.

S

[SivaVelliangiri]

When I saw the partially built flats in the distance, I paused,
not really wanting to climb dusty construction ladders.
When completed, I did visit, Amma's room,
splayed with sunlight like the gold pagoda of Mum Moorthis
in par with her single cot and her night stand of ivory gods.,
Her large window opened onto plain ground where the RSS
practised their drill. In this flat they hid scissors and knives,
even caged their balcony, but no one had thought of the danger
in Puja flowers. Ixora seeds, green and ground were used in the movies.

[Billy]

I like the story, the interjection of thoughts of the narrator. The slow arrival and build to the end.

[Bernie01]

Suggestion:



When I saw the partially built flats in the distance, I paused,
not really wanting to climb dusty construction ladders.
When completed, I did visit Amma's room,
splayed with sunlight like the gold pagoda of Mum Moorthis,
but featuring her single cot and night stand of ivory gods.

Her large window opened onto the parade ground where the RSS
drilled and each day passed as slowly as Amma with her metal
walker.

In this flat they hid scissors and knives, even caged the balcony,
but no one had thought of the danger in Puja flowers.
Ixora seeds, bleached green and ground as she had seen in movies.


bernie

[SivaVelliangiri]

B

You have understood this poem better than I have.Can I retain your version,please? Thank you.

S

[Bernie01]

Siva---

of course, if there is anything you like it's all yours, that's what work shopping is all about.


bernie

[FranktheFrank]

It's shaping up nicely Siva, keep at it.

[SivaVelliangiri]

Now I have to work on the second half of the poem.Maybe another poem--which happens years later.


Siva