Humanity

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Humanity

#1 Post by LindaLinda » 25 Oct 2017, 00:36

Gazing at the constellations,
I think about Creation, Adam and Eve,
a rib taken,
try to fathom the fathomless.

Maybe it was the brutal bang,
hydrogen, helium hurling through space.
A stellar mix of gas and dust pressed into boulders.
The oceans--a living froth glazed with life
that slithered from water climbed into trees.

Maybe we stepped from the caves
full of awe and not an inkling
how to plow through floods, famine and ice
armed only with a club and a flame

yet we trudged through the centuries asylums,
heads falling, stakes burning, frail bodies holding
a last pure breath--bullets, bombs,
a button pressed,

but what of Gandhi's songs of peace,
the shimmering heart of Mother Theresa,
Martin Luther's dream?

Maybe we are descendants
of the benevolent and the venomous,
who surfaced into kingdoms, crawled from cataclysms,
the will to survive churning like a swollen sea.

And for eons the planets spun
as we scavenged beneath the stars;
the sun rose above daisies in fields,
dogs barked and the porch lights went on.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#2 Post by Kenneth2816 » 25 Oct 2017, 06:51

Big poem. Covers all bases. Good voice. Well paced .

Stanza 6. You break from "we " with:" I have come to think."
suggest you do not put yourself in this at all.You can begin a poem with "I think of". Many would say no to.The reason is that past poetry is littered with pastoral poems the do little other than reflect the poets own views.

It's called "navel gazing." I think you manage to avoid that by being all inclusive in the various scenarios of how it all night have kicked off, and that's the appeal of this poem.

Other than that, flawless. I would most definite submit this for publication.


THE voice: neutral, speculative, genuine. I can't think of any substantive revision that would not take away from the voice.
It deserves a better title.

Good job.Really good job.

LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Re: Humanity

#3 Post by LindaLinda » 25 Oct 2017, 08:42

Thanks Ken,
I took your suggestion and omitted (I think) from S6.
I think it reads better, thinking on the title.
Best
Linda

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Humanity

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 25 Oct 2017, 21:00

The rib wasn't borrowed Linda, it was removed.

The Hebrew word means curved, the curved part of man,
some think flank is the proper translation and refers to
to side of Adam, all flesh, and made a woman from it, from man.

Man made in the glory of God
woman made in the glory of man, both made from the glory of God.

I don't think your poem is anti-God or blasphemous, not like some.

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Humanity

#5 Post by capricorn » 26 Oct 2017, 00:41

A well thought out poem. Linda.

Frank is right about the rib - it was removed, not borrowed (as it wasn't given back).

Enjoyed the read.

Eira

LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Re: Humanity

#6 Post by LindaLinda » 26 Oct 2017, 01:11

thought I'd take a little poetic license concerning the rib, if it seems to offend I will re-word
Thanks all

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Humanity

#7 Post by capricorn » 26 Oct 2017, 01:15

LindaLinda wrote:thought I'd take a little poetic license concerning the rib, if it seems to offend I will re-word
Thanks all
Don't worry, Linda, I'm certainly not offended. It's your poem to write as you wish, either way.

Eira

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Oct 2017, 01:23

Linda, you could have said "stolen"as easily. I get you're not going for dogna lol. Rock on.

Poetry and purism often are not good friends:)

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#9 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Oct 2017, 01:33

Frank, with all due respect - this is exactly why you should not speak about blasphemy or attempt to insert your religious beliefs in the comments of another's work.

When you put someone in a position to apologize for what they wrote or you take the opportunity to "correct"the Biblical account, you're in the wrong.

This isn't the venue for that.

Damn it man, you're so thick.

LindaLinda
Posts: 68
Joined: 08 Oct 2017, 05:13

Re: Humanity

#10 Post by LindaLinda » 26 Oct 2017, 02:07

Not offended Kenneth, .
My ego is not that fragile.

Frank,
the narrator is gazing at the stars, kind of thinking out loud, in her own words, about creation, not really going by the book, the Good Book that is.
Best Linda

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Humanity - removed

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 26 Oct 2017, 02:11

Thank you
Ieuan

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#12 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Oct 2017, 03:13

I've already escalated. You owe Linda an apology.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#13 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Oct 2017, 03:16

I've already escalated. You owe Linda an apology. This is not your personal pulpit.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#14 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Oct 2017, 03:27

Frank, you're ad good a poet, critiquer, and human being as anyone here. This may come as a shock to you, but not everyone shares your beliefs. Further it's not the job of anyone
to be sure you're not offended.

This is a poetry forum. You called me out and said what I write was "blasphemy". I attempted to reach you then.

I submit that your beliefs should not expose others here to ridicule. It's unfair and quite bullying

User avatar
WritersBlock
Site Admin
Posts: 55
Joined: 10 Apr 2005, 04:13

Re: Humanity

#15 Post by WritersBlock » 26 Oct 2017, 07:15

I don't see anything in this thread that is so drastic we have to get bent over it or legalistic or reprimanding or indignant or apologetic.
Let's start the clock over you guys. This is tempest in a tp.

I once had to shut the down the entire Block and boot nearly everyone because it had turned into a cesspool of bullying and porn poems. No, really.

Ah, the old days, or should I say, "daze."

Michael

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Humanity

#16 Post by Kenneth2816 » 26 Oct 2017, 07:27

Thanks.

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”