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Revision

I encounter a family, clad sparse
talking a different dialect,
behaving strange.

It is eleven in the morning;
the man, an Orang Asli
sells fresh honey.

Jetto, greets with the coloured
warm toothy smile. He smells foul.
The natural aroma of honey out beats the pungency.

His wife, a wee neat, spreads
hand crafted baskets and boxes.
The bamboo products are weaves of craft.

I interview them, cross the code of conduct.
Get personal. Demand the house number,
age and earnings. Question his skills.


Jetto shoots back.
with a guffaw, house number?
qualification? His wife throws
an all knowing grin.

His answer petrifies. "The jungle
is my home. I am daring, adventurous".
These are my credentials.
Want anything more?"

Jetto grows large in stature.
An eclectic in spirit.

I stand degraded.







Original


I encounter a family, clad sparse
talking a different dialect,
behaving strange.

It is eleven in the morning
the man, an Orang asli
sells fresh honey.
Jetto, greets with the coloured
warm toothy smile He smells fish
The natural aroma of honey out beats the pungency.

His wife, a wee neater, spreads
hand crafted baskets and boxes.
The bamboo products are weaves of craft.

I interview them, cross the code of conduct.
Get personal. Demand the house number,
age and earnings. Question his skills.

Over indulgence.

Jetto shoots back.
with a guffaw, house number?
qualification? His wife throws
an all knowing grin.

His answer petrifies. "The jungle
is my home. I am daring, adventurous
These are my credentials.
Want anything more?"

Jetto grows large in stature.
An eclectic in spirit.

I stand degraded.

Wow, this poem really attracts me. I always love poems about other countries.

Save some punctuation suggestions, I've nothing to crit.

You have Orang Asli capped in the title, but not in the poem.

Oops, I think I'll quote your poem, so as to be able to make my suggestions easier to follow. TorT, of course.
Gracy

meenas17 wrote:I encounter a family, clad sparse
talking a different dialect,
behaving strange.

It is eleven in the morning<<<<< Period or semi-colon?
the man, an Orang asli <<<<< Cap asli
sells fresh honey.
Jetto, greets with the coloured
warm toothy smile He smells fish <<<<<Period after smile. Does he smell "of fish"?
The natural aroma of honey out beats the pungency.<<<Does he sell honey as well as fish? It's not so clear. IMHO

His wife, a wee neater, spreads <<<<<would love to know what a "wee neater" is.
hand crafted baskets and boxes.
The bamboo products are weaves of craft.<<<<How about "craft woven"?

I interview them, cross the code of conduct.
Get personal. Demand the house number,
age and earnings. Question his skills. <<<<<love this. Sounds like nosy press reporter.

Over indulgence.

Jetto shoots back.
with a guffaw, house number?
qualification? His wife throws
an all knowing grin.

His answer petrifies. "The jungle
is my home. I am daring, adventurous <<<<<Period?
These are my credentials.
Want anything more?"

Jetto grows large in stature.
An eclectic in spirit. <<<<This is so right!

I stand degraded.

<<<<<Great ending.

Please, just suggestions to TorT.

Best, Gracy

M---

love the slowly unwinding story. the revelation, a modern speaker confronting a third world entrepreneur---with a sense of humor and an unwillingness to be intimidated by anyone.

i'm cheering both players in this poem.

completely charmed.

a wonderful poem.


bernie



http://says.com/my/lifestyle/indigenous ... n-malaysia

Hi Meena,

I love this with its unfolding story. It held my interest all through. Gracy has given some good suggestions and I cannot give any more.

A fascinating, well written poem. Meena, you are becoming a good poet.

Eira

I'm back because I clicked on the link Bernie left you/us. I've learned a great deal about the Orang Asli indigenous groups. So many of them! Highly interesting, so thank you, Bernie.
I'm interested in indigenous peoples because we're having clashes with some who've lived for over 3.000 years or more in various areas of our country.
Many are claiming their territories back, mostly by occupying lands that were bought by rich foreigners fairly recently. So there's an ongoing battle over ownership, sometimes extremely violent.
And as often occurs, politized by opponents of whatever government is in power.
Sad. Unjust. Complicated.
Best, Gracy

This is one of your better poems...I love how the narrative plays out....I like Gracy's suggestions....I'm not sure if I like the 'over indulgence' line...other than that I'm thrilled with it. Kudos

It is gratifying to read the comments,.
Gracy, I was careful in my punctuations, but, missed the most of them in this poem. Unforgivable.
Thanks for pointing the errors. I will rectify.

Bernie, I posted this poem in this forum at your behest.
Happy you liked it.

Eira and Bob, glad that you enjoyed the style and the story.

Meena.

I have revised.
It should read better.

Meena.

such a good narrative base
persevere with this.

Very helpful, Frank.
You have rewritten the poem and I see the potential.
I will revise.

Meena.