Ancient Moorings (Revision I)

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Gracy321
Posts: 94
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
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Ancient Moorings (Revision I)

#1 Post by Gracy321 » 05 Dec 2017, 02:29

(Revision I)

Ancient Moorings

Behind the farmhouse,
smell of manure
from the corrals.

The pig sty
buzzing with blowflies.

Scent of wild herbs from pastures.
Whiffs of ripening berries
entice me to my mother’s orchard.

Everything, even antagonists,
in its destined place.

Wraiths signify,
unexchangeable, forever;
a tray full of ciphers
from which the coffee,
sugar and cream
have vanished.

I must forfeit family habits,
traditional non-change.
I want my Dad’s worn beret
to materialize
as a mythical Rose.

I miss my Dad,
but I must barter his beret
for an uncertain rose.
Not the soothing, symbolic Rose-
Today, I shall pluck a wild rose by the wayside.

Ancient moorings lose their grip on me…

Bariloche, Argentina. 2017



Ancient Moorings

Behind the farmhouse,
a smell of manure
from the corrals.

The buzz of blowflies
from the pig sty.

Scent of wild herbs from pastures.
Whiffs of ripening berries
from my mother’s orchard.

Everything, even antagonists,
in its destined place.

Things signify,
unexchangeable, forever;
like a tray full of ciphers
from which the coffee
sugar and cream
have vanished.

I must debunk habit,
tradition and non-change.
I want my Dad’s worn beret
to materialize
as a mythical rose.

I really miss my Dad,
but today I shall barter his beret
for an uncertain rose.

Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…

Bariloche, Argentina. 2017

Bernie01
Posts: 777
Joined: 30 Jul 2015, 11:14

Re: Ancient Moorings

#2 Post by Bernie01 » 05 Dec 2017, 06:27

G---

i really like the feeling tone of the title and the first five verses as they open and speak clearly.


but from here down, i'm feeling a little disconnect.

Everything, even antagonists,
in its destined place...................antagonists?

Things signify,
unexchangeable, forever;
like a tray full of ciphers
from which the coffee
sugar and cream........................things?
have vanished.

I must debunk habit,...............is .debunk your final choice?
tradition and non-change.
I want my Dad’s worn beret
to materialize
as a mythical rose.

I really miss my Dad,
but today I shall barter his beret
for an uncertain rose..................question using rose twice.


Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…..sure like this close.


let's talk.


bernie

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1619
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Ancient Moorings

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 05 Dec 2017, 21:27

Gracy, i admire how you handle the subject of grieving a lost father. Introducing the subject late in the poem, I think is a great idea. You begin with olfactory imagery, smells that are common which quickly engages the reader.

I like the notation of missing coffee cream and sugar as a .metaphor for the missing Dad, and one gets the impression that having coffee together waz a favorite ritual between the two.

Im sure you'll tweak this, i just wanted to give you props for the parts i think work well and why

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Ancient Moorings

#4 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Dec 2017, 21:44

Now that Bernie has had a comment,
I find this poem even more interesting
I think it is one of your best.

I felt you could have started with:

From the old farm, the smell
of manure
the buzz of blowflies
but most of all the scent of wild herbs
and ripening berries
from mother's orchard.


I must debunk habit, [maybe: 'habits' tradition, and resistance to change']
tradition and non-change.

I really miss my Dad, [I feel you could cut 'really' and gain more impact]

Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…

I love this last line [but maybe: 'lose' instead of 'lost']

Gracy321
Posts: 94
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
Contact:

Re: Ancient Moorings

#5 Post by Gracy321 » 09 Dec 2017, 10:44

Bernie01 wrote:G---

i really like the feeling tone of the title and the first five verses as they open and speak clearly.


but from here down, i'm feeling a little disconnect.

Everything, even antagonists,
in its destined place...................antagonists?

Things signify,
unexchangeable, forever;
like a tray full of ciphers
from which the coffee
sugar and cream........................things?
have vanished.

I must debunk habit,...............is .debunk your final choice?
tradition and non-change.
I want my Dad’s worn beret
to materialize
as a mythical rose.

I really miss my Dad,
but today I shall barter his beret
for an uncertain rose..................question using rose twice.


Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…..sure like this close.


let's talk.


bernie
Thank you so much, Bernie. All your suggestions make sense.
I'll be back to make changes,
best, Gracy

Gracy321
Posts: 94
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
Contact:

Re: Ancient Moorings

#6 Post by Gracy321 » 09 Dec 2017, 10:46

Kenneth2816 wrote:Gracy, i admire how you handle the subject of grieving a lost father. Introducing the subject late in the poem, I think is a great idea. You begin with olfactory imagery, smells that are common which quickly engages the reader.

I like the notation of missing coffee cream and sugar as a .metaphor for the missing Dad, and one gets the impression that having coffee together waz a favorite ritual between the two.

Im sure you'll tweak this, i just wanted to give you props for the parts i think work well and why
Thanks so much, Ken. Glad you like my poem and the way I've phrased it.
All comments are helpful, so I'll be revising this very soon.
Best, Gracy

Gracy321
Posts: 94
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
Contact:

Re: Ancient Moorings

#7 Post by Gracy321 » 09 Dec 2017, 10:48

FranktheFrank wrote:Now that Bernie has had a comment,
I find this poem even more interesting
I think it is one of your best.

I felt you could have started with:

From the old farm, the smell
of manure
the buzz of blowflies
but most of all the scent of wild herbs
and ripening berries
from mother's orchard.


I must debunk habit, [maybe: 'habits' tradition, and resistance to change']
tradition and non-change.

I really miss my Dad, [I feel you could cut 'really' and gain more impact]

Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…

I love this last line [but maybe: 'lose' instead of 'lost']
Thanks so much for your suggestions, Frank. I think I'll use them.
I'll be back to revise very soon.
Best, Gracy

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ancient Moorings

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 09 Dec 2017, 21:53

I love the first 3 stanzas...it's so nice to work scent into a poem

Behind the farmhouse,
a smell of manure
from the corrals.

The buzz of blowflies
from the pig sty.

Scent of wild herbs from pastures.
Whiffs of ripening berries
from my mother’s orchard.

capricorn
Posts: 382
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Ancient Moorings

#9 Post by capricorn » 10 Dec 2017, 00:20

Hi Gracy,

I love this one and could relate. Great ending! I think ancient moorings loose there grip on us all eventually.


Behind the farmhouse,
a smell of manure
from the corrals.

The buzz of blowflies
from the pig sty.

Scent of wild herbs from pastures.
Whiffs of ripening berries
from my mother’s orchard.

I am being picky now as there isn't much to nit here, but in these first 3 stanzas there are are 4 'from's and I feel with a little rearranging you could eliminate a couple. As I say - this is being picky! I love the beginning stanzas


Everything, even antagonists,
in its destined place.

Things signify,
unexchangeable, forever;
like a tray full of ciphers
from which the coffee
sugar and cream
have vanished.

I must debunk habit,
tradition and non-change.
I want my Dad’s worn beret
to materialize
as a mythical rose.

I think 'debunk' does not quite fit here

I really miss my Dad,
but today I shall barter his beret
for an uncertain rose.

Repeat of rose - perhaps bring in the name of a rose?

Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…

Wonderful ending!

Gracy321
Posts: 94
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
Contact:

Re: Ancient Moorings

#10 Post by Gracy321 » 20 Dec 2017, 12:11

capricorn wrote:Hi Gracy,

I love this one and could relate. Great ending! I think ancient moorings loose there grip on us all eventually.


Behind the farmhouse,
a smell of manure
from the corrals.

The buzz of blowflies
from the pig sty.

Scent of wild herbs from pastures.
Whiffs of ripening berries
from my mother’s orchard.

I am being picky now as there isn't much to nit here, but in these first 3 stanzas there are are 4 'from's and I feel with a little rearranging you could eliminate a couple. As I say - this is being picky! I love the beginning stanzas


Everything, even antagonists,
in its destined place.

Things signify,
unexchangeable, forever;
like a tray full of ciphers
from which the coffee
sugar and cream
have vanished.

I must debunk habit,
tradition and non-change.
I want my Dad’s worn beret
to materialize
as a mythical rose.

I think 'debunk' does not quite fit here

I really miss my Dad,
but today I shall barter his beret
for an uncertain rose.

Repeat of rose - perhaps bring in the name of a rose?

Ancient moorings lost their grip on me…

Wonderful ending!
Thanks so much, Eira, for your picky suggestions... LOL.
I really hadn't noticed the three "from" in those stanzas. Great to have so many eyes being picky!
The problem with "rose" is that I mean the symbolism of the Rose. I think that can be fixed by capping the first "mythical Rose", and leave the "uncertain rose" without a cap. Rose is in all dictionaries of symbols. That's where I was going.
I'll try to find a better word for debunk, thanks a lot. Others have mentioned it, so no use being stubborn. Will do.
I've been away coz I was in hospital for two nights, due to a very painful stone blocking the drainage of my left kidney. My kidney was all swollen and hurt like hell. At first I thought it was my Fibromyalgia playing tricks on me, but it was such a different pain, that I poked my back in the kidney area and it was something very worrisome. I went off to ER and had surgery that same night. Diana was with me, all good. I feel OK now, but it was an emergency, I could have had serious kidney damage! Today I have to see my surgeon, as the stone is being analysed and some treatment may be in order.
Sorry there, just unloading here!
Hugs, Gracy

Gracy321
Posts: 94
Joined: 19 Sep 2017, 09:10
Location: Argentina
Contact:

Re: Ancient Moorings (Revision I)

#11 Post by Gracy321 » 22 Dec 2017, 11:20

Thanks Bernie, Bob, Frank, Capricorn and Ken for your great suggestions.
I've posted a revision, following your help as well as opting for more clarity on some issues.
Best, and blessings to all who celebrate Jesus's birthday this weekend. Enjoy!
Gracy :D :)

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