New York Write to Pitch Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, and Poetry Forums

Gone,
her whiplash laughter,
beyond
full knowing,
dream drift
gone solo.

In sunshine volumes,
through ancient
portals,
her steps
are history,
a chapter
in the book
her face
holds hostage.

My momentum
is lost,
plagued
by atrophy.
Parting
calls up
a crossing roar,
one-way streets
turn
on themselves.

I double back
on the narrative,
store away images,
recall her line,
rolling in after-sex
cigarette haze:
"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."

It will summon
her voice
when,
wretched,
alone,
I bang up
against a wall
I think,
I know,
I should
get over.

rw---


and welcome.


your poem paints a picture and tells a story.

i liked these two verses especially:


dream drift
gone solo.

and

my momentum
is lost.


i like the almost aside here, almost a throwaway line:

I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."


not red hot for the word shed.


It will summon
her voice
when,
shed of companions,



I face
a tall rampart
to my thought,


a little starchy.


hope to see more of your work.

bernie

thank you Bernie - Glad you liked some of it. "starchy" - that's a new one to me - but I know what you mean,
pompous or something close? I try to keep my distance from that kinda thing - this one's easily fixed though -
thanks for the welcome - appears to be some serious, intense writing going on here - and I do agree with you
on "shed" - not written in granite - RC

I liked stanzas 2 and 4 the best...esp. these lines:

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."

Thanks Bob - That passage was sort of an afterthought - I was thinking I needed to
lively it up a bit and this came through - makes her less mysterious than she would
have been without it. Best - RC

A finely ctafted poem as is.

 
Hi RC, and Welcome


in general kinda wordy -


workshop consider for the opening:
 
Her whiplash laughter,
beyond full knowing,
dream drift
gone solo.


and stream-line stanza 2:

In sunshine volumes
a chapter
her face bookmarks.


possible stanza 3 & 4 can be combined & distilled into one - maybe starting as

Before my momentum ends
I summon your voice
rolling in after-sex
cigarette haze:

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."



I, too, esp like that passage Bob highlighted -

I like the defiance of:

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
I’m gonna live forever."

^^ And end w/ those strong lines - what follows, that last stanza is overwrite


workshop-wise how about

"If I die tonite,
I won’t remember this,
so, honey,
we're gonna live forever."

or

If I die
still I will not forget this nite
'cause we're gonna live forever


RC, I have enjoyed reading & sharing workshop for your poem Remaindered



Michael (MV)

 
"Almost a breakdown of our love affair
The stiletto cuts quick like a whip through the air
Long distance winners will we survive the flight
Not one of us runs from the fire light."

^^ S. Nicks / FM "Fireflies" (1981)
 

"I run around like a spirit in flight
Fearlessness is fearlessness
I will not forget this night
Dare my wild heart
Dare my wild heart"

^^ Stevie Nicks "Widheart" (1981)


  

 
 
 
  
 
  
 
 

Michael - I always go for rhythm - those cuts kinda mess that up - meaning/content maybe but I'm partial to the way the original sings - flats/sharps an' all - Thanks though - I see what you're getting at - I'll play with it and see if I can get some of those cuts in tune - appreciate the look - and OHH Man do I love Stevie Nicks - have been watching her duets with Tom Petty - can't beat 'em - Best - RC