Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

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IndianaDP
Posts: 163
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#1 Post by IndianaDP » 19 Sep 2018, 02:15

Factory girls
in coffee stained blouses
with cigarette burns
listen to transistor radios
as they ride city buses
into the park.

Working the lines
they sit on grey stools
with their feet off the ground,
count hose clamps
and put them in cartons.

Their boyfriends drive forklifts
in circular routes, load skids
with boxes transport them to semis.

They bluster in button-fly jeans
that show off their bulges
and wink at their women
each time they go by.

On break the girls go outside
and sit on wire benches
with their backs
to the wall.

The company President
squares a long skinny tie
set in a tab collar,
walks to his car,
a bright red Corvette
with convertible top.

The girls are amused
by the way his suit
shines in the sun,
make colorful remarks
that imagine the size of his dick.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1500
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 19 Sep 2018, 11:45

This is a very nice cameo.

Maybe
make comments on the size
of his lunch box.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1048
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Sep 2018, 17:39

Pretty accurate Dale. Things haven't changed much since "65. It's a,well paced tight poem.

I would opt for curlers in their hair, stuff that gives a period based word picture. Make these girls memorable.

And the President *always* drives a Corvette or BMW or other flashy car.

The ending is jarring. Would they use that term in '65? Probably.

IndianaDP
Posts: 163
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#4 Post by IndianaDP » 19 Sep 2018, 21:38

Thanks for reading Frank, I like the subtle inuendo of your ending, but believe I prefer the harshness of what I have.

IndianaDP
Posts: 163
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#5 Post by IndianaDP » 19 Sep 2018, 21:40

Thanks for reading and commenting Ken, have you ever heard the song “Factory Girl” by the Stones? Here are the lyrics.

Waiting for a girl who's got curlers in her hair
Waiting for a girl she has no money anywhere
We get buses everywhere
Waiting for a factory girl

Waiting for a girl and her knees are much too fat
Waiting for a girl who wears scarves instead of hats
Her zipper's broken down the back
Waiting for a factory girl

Waiting for a girl and she gets me into fights
Waiting for a girl, we get drunk on Friday night
She's a sight for sore eyes
Waiting for a factory girl

Waiting for a girl and she's got stains all down her dress
Waiting for a girl and my feet are getting wet
She ain't come out yet
Waiting for a factory girl

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1048
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Sep 2018, 01:37

No i havent

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1279
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Sep 2018, 08:26

A good, well written poem....the contrast in the way the president views himself and the girls' view is especially well done...

"Factory Girl"....a wonderful song on a great album

IndianaDP
Posts: 163
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#8 Post by IndianaDP » 25 Sep 2018, 19:11

Thanks Bob, glad you enjoyed it.

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1547
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Elk Grove Industrial Park 1965

#9 Post by Michael (MV) » 03 Oct 2018, 10:01

 
how about:

that imagine the size of his bulge.


8)

Michael (MV) 

 
IndianaDP wrote:
19 Sep 2018, 21:38
 
Thanks for reading Frank, I like the subtle inuendo of your ending, but believe I prefer the harshness of what I have.
 
 
 
 
 
 

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