Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)

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capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Running on the Spectrum (revised first 3 stanzas)

#1 Post by capricorn » 02 Oct 2018, 03:08

I've given this a makeover - to make some parts clearer and make it less of a 'report'

Revision 2

Running on the Spectrum

Jason Bounces like a klipspringer,
hooting at Dad until the starter
twirls his chequered flag.

Racers zoom off, chased by
fun-runners, fancy dressers.
Jason joins the challenged,

plodding at the rear – soon darts
off track, Dad in pursuit,
coaxing - but Jason dashes

towards zebra rushes and bog plants,
kneels to splosh, making ripples,
his giggles scattering the geese.

A chocolate cookie entices - he charges,
snatches, pushing a fellow rambler
- a seven foot giraffe!

Jason gobbles the treat; Dad reaches
to steady the long neck as it wobbles,
cajoles his teen to re-join the race.

Time to stop for a breather -
Jason and Dad flop onto the grass
for a picnic; ham baps, orange juice.

Up they jump, Dad flapping at wasps;
Jason, now humming, strides on -
five miles to the end.

Surging from spectators, Miss Castle
collides with a giant chicken to
beam at her former pupil.

Well done!

Mum waits at the finish,
tumble drier for a stomach,
strains for a glimpse -

hears the tannoy announce him.
The Group catch it too
and in their tsunami

of whoops and cheers, Jason
leaps, while Mom’s heart skips
like a klipspringer.
--------------------------------------------------------

Stanzas 1-3 were:

Bouncing like a klipspringer
Jason beside Dad, waits
for the flag to descend with a twirl.

Racers zoom off, faces determined,
pursued by joggers, costumed for fun.
Jason merges with challenged

walkers at the rear, but speeds up
veering off track - woods nearby.
Dad keeps pace - yet Jason dashes

----------------------------------------------
Revision 1
Jason bounces like a klipspringer, Dad nearby.
Everyone is waiting, he cannot fathom this outing.

The flag descends; serious racers sprint off, pursued by
costumed super heroes, clowns. Jason joins the challenged

walkers at the rear. He can speed, wants to leave all behind,
including Dad, but could run off-track, woods nearby.

Through Sutton Park past Black Pool, Dad points to ducks
dawdling among Zebra rushes and bog plants.

Klipspringer returns with a shout, grabs a fellow rambler.
Dad’s words soothe, calm the commotion. They stop

for a breather - flop on the grass verge for a picnic;
ham baps and orange’s juice -not overstuffed they continue.

Surging from the crowd, Miss Castle collides with a giant
chicken, unruffled she beams at her former pupil. Well done!

Mum waits at the finish, tumble drier for a stomach, strains
for a glimpse-hears the tannoy announce him.

The Group catch it too and in their tsunami of whoops and cheers,
Mum’s heartbeat leaps with klipspringer’s excitement.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Running on the Spectrum

Morning sun compliments his school
t-shirt as restlessly
he jumps, legs like springs.

Serious racers sprint off, followed
by fun-runners, costumed super-heroes
or clowns. Jason joins the concluding strollers.

He could speed, leaving everyone behind,
but might stray off track – lose his Dad.
The challenge is to follow a ten-mile route.

The flag descends with a flourish, they head
towards Sutton Park, past the lake, ducks
dawdling among zebra rushes and bog plants.

Half way they stop, flop on the turf. Dad
unpacks a picnic, ham baps and orange juice
- sustained they continue.

Out of the crowds, Miss Castle dashes, colliding
with a giant chicken; she beams at her former pupil
Well done Jason for taking part

Waiting at the finish, my stomach churns like
a tumble drier, then I hear from the tannoy;
Jason Needham, Kingstanding Special School.

There is a tsumani of whoops and clapping
from the Disabled Olympics Group
Jason’s excitement like a lit firecracker

--------------------------------------------------------
Edits:
Last line was:
and his excitement leaps to my heartbeat.

1st stanza was:
Morning sun compliments his school
t-shirt as he jumps, legs like springs,
impatient to begin.

Initially missed from St2

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1229
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 02 Oct 2018, 08:27

Who can't feel touched by such a scene? I like the verbs used in this. Nicely done

Suggested trim: remove these lines:
impatient to begin.

Initially,

Kenneth2816
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 02 Oct 2018, 22:53

Eira this is poignant. There are many good lines and it is a triumphant poem

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#4 Post by capricorn » 04 Oct 2018, 01:10

BobBradshaw wrote:
02 Oct 2018, 08:27
Who can't feel touched by such a scene? I like the verbs used in this. Nicely done

Suggested trim: remove these lines:
impatient to begin.

Initially,
Thanks Bob, I will remove those words.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#5 Post by capricorn » 04 Oct 2018, 01:11

Kenneth2816 wrote:
02 Oct 2018, 22:53
Eira this is poignant. There are many good lines and it is a triumphant poem
Thank you Ken

Eira

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Billy
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Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#6 Post by Billy » 08 Oct 2018, 02:06

Sweet poem. I don't write very many sweet poems. Maybe one or two. It's hard to do and not be sappy. You've done a good job. I do think the final line may be verging on sappy. But what do I know.

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#7 Post by capricorn » 16 Oct 2018, 16:39

Billy wrote:
08 Oct 2018, 02:06
Sweet poem. I don't write very many sweet poems. Maybe one or two. It's hard to do and not be sappy. You've done a good job. I do think the final line may be verging on sappy. But what do I know.
Sorry I am to be so late answering. Billy. I'm afraid I write many sweet poems and have to pull myself up to avoid being too sappy. Yes, you might ne right about the ending - but my early draft (not seen here) was much more sappy. I'll think on that one.

Eira

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Oct 2018, 22:55

maybe replace the last line with something like this?....

a zebra nodding as she trots in

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#9 Post by capricorn » 17 Oct 2018, 00:45

BobBradshaw wrote:
16 Oct 2018, 22:55
maybe replace the last line with something like this?....

a zebra nodding as she trots in
I do quite like your suggestion, Bob, although it gets away from my intention. You see, when Jason heard everyone cheering him on he leapt up with excitement. Perhaps I can come up with something else. Thanks for your thoughts.
Eira

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Oct 2018, 02:04

What about “Jason’s excitement like a lit firecracker’s”?

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#11 Post by capricorn » 25 Oct 2018, 00:49

BobBradshaw wrote:
17 Oct 2018, 02:04
What about “Jason’s excitement like a lit firecracker’s”?
Sorry I'm so late replying again, Bob. Thanks for this other suggestion - I think this is nearer the mark. I'll change the last line now.

Eira

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum

#12 Post by BobBradshaw » 25 Oct 2018, 20:35

Looks good....a very strong, heartwarming piece...one tweak: add a comma at the end of the previous line "from the Disabled Olympics Group"

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a revision)

#13 Post by capricorn » 17 Dec 2018, 18:10

a makeover - not sure about it!

SivaRamanathan
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Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#14 Post by SivaRamanathan » 19 Dec 2018, 05:32

Read this. There are many words that are new to me,but I get the overall triumph of the poem.

BobBradshaw
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Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#15 Post by BobBradshaw » 19 Dec 2018, 22:20

As in previous versions, I think you are close....Besides tweaking the end, I wonder if either more anapests or shorter line lengths may help give the sense of excitement a bit better....I tried playing with shorter line lengths...


Bouncing like a klipspringer,
Jason joins the challenged walkers
at the rear,
Dad following
as Jason veers off-track,
kicking splashes of light
as he wades into a pond

Jason and Dad
dawdling among zebra rushes
and bog plants

before rushing back into the race
where Jason grabs
a fellow rambler,
a six foot hot dog!

Dad runs in, leans
his shoulder
into the hot dogger
to prevent him
from toppling--
calmly coaxes the man
with the mustard yellow shirt
to rejoin the race.

Time for a break—
Jason and Dad flopping
onto the grass
for a picnic—
ham baps, orange juice—
before they jump up,
wave their hands
at the unruffled clouds,

and race on
behind Miss Castle—
who having just collided
with a giant chicken
beams at her former pupil:
Well done!

Mum waits at the finish,
tumble drier for a stomach,
strains for a glimpse—
hears the tannoy
announcing Jason’s finish

The Group catch it also
and in their tsunami
of whoops and cheers
Mom’s heart too skips
like a klipspringer.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 961
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#16 Post by SivaRamanathan » 20 Dec 2018, 10:13

Read this version by Bob. It is for the poet to decide.

IndianaDP
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Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#17 Post by IndianaDP » 21 Dec 2018, 02:21

I like the shorter line lengths Bob suggests.

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#18 Post by capricorn » 23 Dec 2018, 03:06

SivaRamanathan wrote:
19 Dec 2018, 05:32
Read this. There are many words that are new to me,but I get the overall triumph of the poem.
Hi Siva, I think I have a few revisions to go with this yet

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#19 Post by capricorn » 23 Dec 2018, 03:17

Hi Bob,

Thank you for your inspirational thoughts on this. I have had a real 'block' revising, but your thoughts have given me lots to think on. Yes, the shorter lines are definitely better and I think one of my problems is that the way I've written it sounds a bit like a report. I doubt I'll revise before Xmas now - but watch this space it will be coming soon.


Eira

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#20 Post by capricorn » 23 Dec 2018, 03:19

IndianaDP wrote:
21 Dec 2018, 02:21
I like the shorter line lengths Bob suggests.
Me too!
Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1229
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#21 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Dec 2018, 07:57

Looking forward to seeing it... everyone have a great xmas

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#22 Post by capricorn » 24 Dec 2018, 01:09

Happy Xmas

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 961
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#23 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Dec 2018, 11:04

This version looks 'finished'

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (a new revision)

#24 Post by capricorn » 07 Jan 2019, 02:25

BobBradshaw wrote:
23 Dec 2018, 07:57
Looking forward to seeing it... everyone have a great xmas
A revision at last, Bob! Xmas just took over for a while. Best wishes for 2019.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1229
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Running on the Sprectrum (revision 2)

#25 Post by BobBradshaw » 07 Jan 2019, 04:28

The first 3 stanzas are choppy, and should be your focus in your next revision. However, I love the rest of your poem! Gorgeous writing from S4 on...I like the rhythm you have here, and the humor really shines.

Love this writing:

towards zebra rushes and bog plants,
kneels to splosh, making ripples,
his giggles scattering the geese.

A chocolate cookie entices - he charges,
snatches, pushing a fellow rambler
- a seven foot giraffe!

Jason gobbles the treat; Dad reaches
to steady the long neck as it wobbles,
cajoles his teen to re-join the race.

Time to stop for a breather -
Jason and Dad flop onto the grass
for a picnic; ham baps, orange juice.

Up they jump, Dad flapping at wasps;
Jason, now humming, strides on -
five miles to the end.

Surging from spectators, Miss Castle
collides with a giant chicken to
beam at her former pupil.

Well done!

Mum waits at the finish,
tumble drier for a stomach,
strains for a glimpse -

hears the tannoy announce him.
The Group catch it too
and in their tsunami

of whoops and cheers, Jason
leaps, while Mom’s heart skips
like a klipspringer.

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