Indian Summer -revision

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capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Indian Summer -revision

#1 Post by capricorn » 17 Nov 2018, 01:53

Revision

Indian Summer

slips through the haze. Sudden
breath on my cool face;

the flush of warmth bewilders,
swallows linger in brittle reeds.

Shadows dance as light dwindles.
Teasing sighs, a kiss before

we tango with a flurry of lime
and copper across appliqued lawns.

East wind blasts, a spangled rime
surrendering to brume.

------------------------------------
Indian summer

veiled in mist
swirls rushing back -
a breath on my cool cheek.
Gushing warmth beguiles.
Swallows linger
in brittle reeds.

As daylight dwindles,
even shadows dance away;
lips are teased
by sizzling kisses.

We waltz in a whirlwind
of copper and lime
foliage flurrying across
baked terrain.

East wind blasts
a spangled rime -
vaporizing into brume.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1229
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Indian Summer

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 17 Nov 2018, 04:09

I like this a lot...you capture the landscape well, and imaginatively

Love the close:
We waltz in a whirlwind
of copper and lime
foliage flurrying across
baked terrain.

East wind blasts
a spangled rime -
vaporizing into brume.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Indian Summer

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Nov 2018, 03:05

Some very nice word choices. Good solid imagery. Nice

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Indian Summer

#4 Post by capricorn » 26 Nov 2018, 02:45

BobBradshaw wrote:
17 Nov 2018, 04:09
I like this a lot...you capture the landscape well, and imaginatively

Love the close:
We waltz in a whirlwind
of copper and lime
foliage flurrying across
baked terrain.

East wind blasts
a spangled rime -
vaporizing into brume.
Hi Bob

I'm glad that you like this. I have revised this weekend. I felt 'veiled in mist' was a bit cliche - then I questioned some word choices. Eventually I gave it a good trim back and rewrote in couplets. I hope it still works for you. :)

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Indian Summer

#5 Post by capricorn » 26 Nov 2018, 02:47

Kenneth2816 wrote:
19 Nov 2018, 03:05
Some very nice word choices. Good solid imagery. Nice
Thanks Ken. I have decided to revise (reasons above in reply to Bob) Hope it works for you.

Eira

IndianaDP
Posts: 163
Joined: 24 Mar 2018, 16:53

Re: Indian Summer -revision

#6 Post by IndianaDP » 26 Nov 2018, 17:47

Solid poem, I like the revision.

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