Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)

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capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)

#1 Post by capricorn » 19 Jan 2019, 01:06

Revision 5 (revised middle stanza)

Calon Lan, a Welsh hymn,
lyrics by Daniel James in 1890’s,
music by John Hughes


Eternal Peacock

you slump against my ageing
kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes
lacklustre and scarred,
feet swollen from oversoaking.
I await the timer's ping
when your retirement begins.

In your prime, Mam sang Calon Lan
as we prepared Sunday tea
chopping Dad’s garden veg
on your cream underbelly,
to pile into a salad bowl.
Ham rashers were sharpened with
the tang of Mam’s apple chutney,
warm bloomer slices
seasoned with salty butter.

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Grandad’s flat cap,
a bucketful of their painted
pebbles and a feather
from my first love.
------------------------------------------

Edits

stanza 2 was:
In your prime Mam sang Calan Lan,
as we prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading
on your cream underbelly
filling the salad bowl with veg
that Dad had grown. Sandwiches,
rashers of ham, sharpened
with her apple chutney,
seasoned with salty butter
on oven-warm bloomer slices.

I have missed out the lines from Calon Lan as I felt it stopped the flow into the last stanza.

-----------------------------------------------------
Revision 4

Eternal Peacock

you slump against my ageing
kitchen tiles, cobalt plumes
now scratched and lacklustre,
feet swollen from oversoaking.
When the timer pings.
your retirement will begin.

In your prime, Mam’s salad bowl
was piled with lettuce, topped
with thinly chopped tomato,
and Dad’s home grown spring onions.
Ham rashers were enhanced
with the tang of Mam’s apple chutney
and completed with slices
of fresh bloomer and salty butter.

She sang Calan Lan as we
prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading,
on your cream underbelly.

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Dad’s flat cap, a bucketful
of their painted pebbles
and a feathered brooch
from my first love.

--------------------------------------------------
Revision 3

Eternal Peacock

slumped against my ageing
kitchen tiles, your cobalt plumes
now scratched and lacklustre,
feet swollen from oversoaking.
You will be replaced
by a new pine pig: I wait
for the timer to ping.

A salad bowl piled with lettuce,
tomato, cucumber, thinly chopped,
topped with Dad’s spring onions.
Sliced Bloomer with salty butter
accompanied ham rashers
and Mam’s tangy chutney.

She sang Calan Lan as we
prepared our Sunday tea,
chopping, slicing, spreading,
on your cream underbelly.

My children will find you,
in an attic trunk, alongside
Dad’s flat cap, a bucketful
of their painted pebbles
and a feathered brooch
from my first love.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NOTE: This revision was written before I read recent replies from Ken & Bob, but I thought I'd post it anyway.

Changes made - I've combined stanzas !&3 and addressed the poem to the bird.

Eternal Peacock (rev 2)

once vivid cobalt your plumes,
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking,
slumped against my ageing
kitchen tiles, soon to be replaced.
The new pine pig reclines
in the second drawer down
as I wait for the timer to ping.

Mam in floral pinny to cover
her Sunday best, chops veg
on your cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday
tea, sliced white bread, lavished
with salty Welsh butter.

My children will find you
in an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, a bucketful of their painted
pebbles and letters from my first love.

-------------------------------------------
Eternal Peacock (revision 1)

Once vivid cobalt, its plumes
now lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from oversoaking
in sudsy water.

Mam chopped kaleidoscopes
of veg on its cream underbelly.
York ham and salad for Sunday tea,
sliced white bread, lavished
with salty Welsh butter.

The peacock slumps
against my ageing kitchen tiles
soon replaced by a new pine pig
reclining in the second drawer down
while I wait for the timer to ping.

Mam’s board will retire
to an attic trunk, alongside Dad’s
flat cap, my children’s
painted pebbles and love letters
from my first love.
-------------------------------------------------
Stanza 3&4 were

The peacock now slumps
against my ageing kitchen tiles
while I wait for the timer to ping,
when renovations will begin.

A new pine pig reclines
in the second drawer down,
to enhance my culinary delights.
--------------------------------------------------
Eternal Peacock

Once vivid cobalt, it slumps
against my kitchen tiles,
plumes lacklustre and scratched,
feet swollen from paddling
overlong in sudsy water.

I draw back time's curtain
to peer into her cluttered kitchen
as she chops a kaleidoscope of vegetables
on the bird’s cream underbelly;
York ham and salad for Sunday tea
and sliced white bread, spread
with salty Welsh butter.

Since pneumonia stole her away,
her board rests
on my aging counter top
waiting for the timer to ping,
when renovations will begin.
A new pine pig reclines
in the second drawer down, soon
to unite with me
in culinary delights.

Although feathers fade
their splendour remains.


(not at all sure about this ending)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 20 Jan 2019, 02:07

There are some exquisite lines, such as waiting for the timer to ping. But some lines must go, especially these

I draw back time's curtain
to peer into her cluttered kitchen

and the poem demands a strong ending... throw out the last 2 lines.

This piece has very strong potential. Tighten it up and find the right ending

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Eternal Peacock

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 21 Jan 2019, 12:03

Love the cutting board analogy. It may solve a problem to eliminate the 2 lines Bob suggested and the one about pneumonia. Show us don't tell us. Few things are as personal as cutting boards. I have my mother"s fr9m 40 years ago.

You are on to something strong here.

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock

#4 Post by capricorn » 23 Jan 2019, 17:41

BobBradshaw wrote:
20 Jan 2019, 02:07
There are some exquisite lines, such as waiting for the timer to ping. But some lines must go, especially these

I draw back time's curtain
to peer into her cluttered kitchen

and the poem demands a strong ending... throw out the last 2 lines.

This piece has very strong potential. Tighten it up and find the right ending
Thanks Bob, you have pointed out the places I wasn't sure about and I think I have dealt with them in revision1.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock

#5 Post by capricorn » 23 Jan 2019, 17:44

Kenneth2816 wrote:
21 Jan 2019, 12:03
Love the cutting board analogy. It may solve a problem to eliminate the 2 lines Bob suggested and the one about pneumonia. Show us don't tell us. Few things are as personal as cutting boards. I have my mother"s fr9m 40 years ago.

You are on to something strong here.
Thanks Ken, I have tried to follow your advise and Bob's, but am still open to suggestions.

How lovely to have kept your mother's board all this time. My mothers was melamine (I think) and very big and beautiful - sad to see how it had faded in time.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1)

#6 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Jan 2019, 22:07

This is much better. I like it. My one suggestion....the stanza about the pig feels like an appendage instead of being part of the natural flow of things. It doesn't bear the weight of a separate stanza well. Can you work it in differently....maybe something along these lines, but better? I might take out the renovations line...mull it over.

The peacock slumps
against my ageing kitchen tiles--
its replacement, a new pine pig, reclining
in the second drawer down--
while I wait for the timer to ping.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1)

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 23 Jan 2019, 22:27

Another option to consider...remove the pine pig altogether....it's really the peacock and Mam's presence that are the heart of the poem

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1)

#8 Post by capricorn » 23 Jan 2019, 23:18

BobBradshaw wrote:
23 Jan 2019, 22:07
This is much better. I like it. My one suggestion....the stanza about the pig feels like an appendage instead of being part of the natural flow of things. It doesn't bear the weight of a separate stanza well. Can you work it in differently....maybe something along these lines, but better? I might take out the renovations line...mull it over.

The peacock slumps
against my ageing kitchen tiles--
its replacement, a new pine pig, reclining
in the second drawer down--
while I wait for the timer to ping.

Thanks for coming back to this Bob. I have ben wondering whether to combine stanzas 3&4, but your condensing of the two is better.

Eira
Ps
Just read your other reply - yes another possibility which I might end with. For now I'll combine/condense stanzas 3&4 and see how it sits. Thanks for your help with this.
E

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#9 Post by meenas17 » 24 Jan 2019, 21:32

Good imagination Eira!
The cutting board analogy is interesting, especially the peacock one.
As Bob suggests remove the pine pig.
Peacock one is fine. It does the job.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#10 Post by BobBradshaw » 24 Jan 2019, 22:07

I would try to expand on Mam... how the kitchen reminds you of her absence...which should add more emotion to the poem

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#11 Post by capricorn » 25 Jan 2019, 02:09

meenas17 wrote:
24 Jan 2019, 21:32
Good imagination Eira!
The cutting board analogy is interesting, especially the peacock one.
As Bob suggests remove the pine pig.
Peacock one is fine. It does the job.
Thanks Meena - still working on this one :D

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#12 Post by capricorn » 25 Jan 2019, 02:13

BobBradshaw wrote:
24 Jan 2019, 22:07
I would try to expand on Mam... how the kitchen reminds you of her absence...which should add more emotion to the poem
Good idea Bob - what do you think is best a complete stanza or woven into what's there. I'm a bit brain-dead at the moment :roll: but will certainly give this some thought later.

Eira

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#13 Post by Kenneth2816 » 28 Jan 2019, 03:58

Eira, last stanza much improves the poem
I vote for a better word than kaliedoscope.

In the section where you mention food, I would add a few more dishes. Perhaps few less modifiers. Sliced bread with Welsh butter is sufficient.

Saying more about dining tells us more about Mam.
If you recall Frank's. Welsh Christmas, he used food to accentuate what sort of family this was without mentioning family

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#14 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Jan 2019, 04:15

This is good but can be improved on. I like Ken’s comments. However, I would not only increase the dishes but show interaction between Mam and the narrator. Make it more personal but keep dishing out the foods. There’s something about food poems that is innately interesting... they automatically grab our interest and offer a greater chance of succeeding with the reader than most topics... stick with it

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 2)

#15 Post by capricorn » 29 Jan 2019, 02:36

Ken & Bob,

I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 2)

#16 Post by capricorn » 29 Jan 2019, 02:36

Ken & Bob,

I've been ill for a few days but have written another revision before I've just seen your suggestions so posted revision anyway.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#17 Post by capricorn » 29 Jan 2019, 02:46

Kenneth2816 wrote:
28 Jan 2019, 03:58
Eira, last stanza much improves the poem
I vote for a better word than kaliedoscope.

In the section where you mention food, I would add a few more dishes. Perhaps few less modifiers. Sliced bread with Welsh butter is sufficient.

Saying more about dining tells us more about Mam.
If you recall Frank's. Welsh Christmas, he used food to accentuate what sort of family this was without mentioning family
Thanks for your thoughts, Ken. I was wondering when someone would mention kaleidoscope haha!

I'll think on enlarging the food section next - I think there may be a few more revisions to get this right!

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#18 Post by capricorn » 29 Jan 2019, 03:15

BobBradshaw wrote:
28 Jan 2019, 04:15
This is good but can be improved on. I like Ken’s comments. However, I would not only increase the dishes but show interaction between Mam and the narrator. Make it more personal but keep dishing out the foods. There’s something about food poems that is innately interesting... they automatically grab our interest and offer a greater chance of succeeding with the reader than most topics... stick with it
Don't worry I will stick with it, Bob. I often revise many times. The latest revision was written before I read your recent reply. Yes people do like reading about food :D on with the next revision.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#19 Post by capricorn » 03 Feb 2019, 02:43

Revision 3 - hope I'm getting near with this revision.

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#20 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Feb 2019, 03:16

I like the revision. On the first stanza I would take away the last 3 lines. And after doing that, I would start S1 with “You slump...” and end the stanza on soaking.
I like the more personal references you have made. A good poem... glad you stuck with this

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#21 Post by BobBradshaw » 03 Feb 2019, 03:20

Like very much the last 2 stanzas, but S2 sounds awkward... needs a change of tense or a segue...something... focus on S2

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#22 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 Feb 2019, 12:49

The list in s2 is interesting,
A salad bowl piled with lettuce,
tomato, cucumber, thinly chopped,
topped with Dad’s spring onions.
Sliced Bloomer with salty butter
accompanied ham rashers
and Mam’s tangy chutney.
Suggestion:
For tea, a tomato lettuce salad
thinly sliced, topped with a sprinkling
of Dad's spring onions
complete with a sliced
bloomer fresh from the bakery,
ham rashers and perfected
with the tang of Mam's mango chutney,

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#23 Post by Kenneth2816 » 03 Feb 2019, 18:22

You're a,master at revision

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#24 Post by capricorn » 06 Feb 2019, 03:33

BobBradshaw wrote:
03 Feb 2019, 03:20
Like very much the last 2 stanzas, but S2 sounds awkward... needs a change of tense or a segue...something... focus on S2
I felt that too with st 2 - I think it's becasuse there was no lead -in from stanza 1. Hoping this revision is better.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#25 Post by capricorn » 06 Feb 2019, 03:36

FranktheFrank wrote:
03 Feb 2019, 12:49

The list in s2 is interesting,

Suggestion:
For tea, a tomato lettuce salad
thinly sliced, topped with a sprinkling
of Dad's spring onions
complete with a sliced
bloomer fresh from the bakery,
ham rashers and perfected
with the tang of Mam's mango chutney,
I think what you said here is true - stanza 2 was just a list

Eira

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