Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)

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capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 1 + edits)

#26 Post by capricorn » 06 Feb 2019, 03:43

meenas17 wrote:
24 Jan 2019, 21:32
Good imagination Eira!
The cutting board analogy is interesting, especially the peacock one.
As Bob suggests remove the pine pig.
Peacock one is fine. It does the job.
Thanks Meena - I have removed the pine pig now!

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 3)

#27 Post by capricorn » 06 Feb 2019, 03:46

Kenneth2816 wrote:
03 Feb 2019, 18:22
You're a,master at revision
Thanks Ken. I like revising almost as much as writing. :lol:

Eira

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1225
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 4)

#28 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Feb 2019, 07:19

Yes! You have it....your hard work has paid off....there is emotion suffusing the poem....a good poem makes my day...so thank you

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 4)

#29 Post by capricorn » 10 Feb 2019, 03:28

BobBradshaw wrote:
06 Feb 2019, 07:19
Yes! You have it....your hard work has paid off....there is emotion suffusing the poem....a good poem makes my day...so thank you
Well, thank you, Bob for sticking with me through this.

I felt happy with this too, but didn't feel to sure of st 2&3 as I felt they could be combined and condensed in some way. I've also experimented by adding a couple of lines of the hymn Calan Lan,at the end of this section (not sure of this).

Hope you like the changes I've made. Still open to suggestions. As I said to Ken - I like revising :lol:

Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1512
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 5)

#30 Post by FranktheFrank » 10 Feb 2019, 13:54

Suggestion Eira:

Place 'Calon Lan' as an epigraph.

with the credit to the song writer and reference the hymn.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1225
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 5)

#31 Post by BobBradshaw » 10 Feb 2019, 21:12

I like version 4 better. This line needs a segue... it piles up without one:
Rashers
of ham, sharpened with her apple
chutney and salty butter
on bloomer slices.

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 5)

#32 Post by capricorn » 11 Feb 2019, 03:18

FranktheFrank wrote:
10 Feb 2019, 13:54
Suggestion Eira:

Place 'Calon Lan' as an epigraph.

with the credit to the song writer and reference the hymn.
Good idea, Frank. I'll look up the details. Should it go before or after the poem?

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 5)

#33 Post by capricorn » 11 Feb 2019, 03:22

BobBradshaw wrote:
10 Feb 2019, 21:12
I like version 4 better. This line needs a segue... it piles up without one:
Rashers
of ham, sharpened with her apple
chutney and salty butter
on bloomer slices.
Thanks Bob

I have since written that line slightly differently - but I'm still thinking on it. It might be best to leave it rest for a bit before I return. About time I posted something new :D

Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1512
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev 5)

#34 Post by FranktheFrank » 11 Feb 2019, 04:09

The start, before the poem body with references.

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (edited middle stanza)

#35 Post by capricorn » 23 Feb 2019, 18:45

Edited again

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Eternal Peacock (rev mid stanza & remove song lines)

#36 Post by capricorn » 24 Feb 2019, 01:16

Made a mess of writing the edit - done again!
Eira

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