Hospital - rev 2

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Hospital - rev 2

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Feb 2019, 03:18

He lay rigid, his tongue stuck
in a grimace, his last gesture to
this world with powder applied
carelessly that made him a clown.
Mam kept hugging his cadaver,
I gently drew her away. Laughter
leaked from the morgue attendant's room.

The coroner too busy to see me
his voice sharp as a slaughter
man's knife. ‘Was everything in order.’
I had doubts, but who could address
them. Dad’s gold ring missing,
his shattered femur, the outré orderly
claiming to be his doctor.

It rained all day, bucketed down,
the deluge as unrelenting as his demise.
Hours spent waiting for the certified entry.
Drove home in the dark, no time
to eat, white knuckles clenched on the wheel.

The hospital's solicitor dismissed our complaints,
harangued us for not visiting, how could Sis visit
from Australia, half a world away. His letter stirred
up in me a savageness I am ashamed of.

I put away that anger, stored it for another day;
now after twenty years I lay it out, disassemble
it, leave it to waft in the wind, fragments
that no one will remember.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Death can be so Daunting

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 04 Feb 2019, 09:38

Some beautiful, powerful writing....The opening lines are a lightning strike...

He lay frozen, his tongue protruding
from the mouth that had kissed me.

I would cut out this line...too literary:
and we in a play not of our making.

I love this line:
his voice urgent, sharp as flint,

as well as these:
No, I had doubts,
but who could address them. Dad’s gold ring
missing, a shattered femur, the 3rd world
orderly pretending to be a doctor.

I like the feel of the last stanza, but I am not sure what is being laid out...the poem? some documents, like the death certificate? an urn's contents? or just the anger itself?

Overall, a lovely poem...characters and scenes jump to life....you're a born storyteller, Frank

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1176
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Death can be so Daunting

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 04 Feb 2019, 10:34

It is a good story. The title is mediocre. There were parts I hot confused in as well. The narrator could not cone to Australia but then drives "home".

I think it " telly" in places, but the poem is the last stanza.

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Death can be so Daunting

#4 Post by meenas17 » 04 Feb 2019, 17:30

The last stanza is terrific.
It is where the poem lies.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Death can be so Daunting

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Feb 2019, 22:32

Than you all, I value your critique more than I can say.
Some lines need addressing.

I felt sure someone would say sharp as flint was a cliché, :)

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Death can be so Daunting

#6 Post by capricorn » 11 Feb 2019, 03:41

Hi Frank

Is sharp as flint cliché? I lose touch with what is cliché these days, but that line is a keeper as it is.

I agree with much of what other have said and I share a little confusion in some parts.

I love the last stanza.

This poem just needs a little work, Frank

Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Death can be so Daunting - revised

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 14 Feb 2019, 13:03

It is a cliché, I see them in a lot of poetry
these days, even biblical quotes
integrated into the poems.

I suppose that's what makes them a cliché, so apt.

What to do, how can I make a better simile than 'sharp as flint'.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1366
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Death at Morriston Hospital - revised [formerly Death can be s Daunting]

#8 Post by BobBradshaw » 14 Feb 2019, 21:22

The knife replacement works fine...

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Billy
Posts: 952
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Hospital

#9 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2019, 04:14

Good writing, Frank. Lots of strife and emotions laid bare. I have some questions below:


He lay frozen, his tongue protruding
from the mouth that oft had kissed
me. Make-up applied carelessly,
his face the mask of a clown. Is this happening somewhere right after his death? I'm confused that he would have make-up on and his tongue hanging out. Usually make-up is applied for a funeral and they wouldn't
leave a tongue hanging out
Mam kept on hugging his cadaver,
as I gently drew her away. Laughter
echoed out from the attendant's room.

The coroner too busy to see me
his voice urgent, sharp as a slaughter
man's knife. ‘Was everything in order.’
I had doubts, but who could address
them. Dad’s gold ring missing,
his shattered femur, the overbearing
orderly who claimed to be his doctor. This stanza is mysterious. It's trying to tell the reader there are lots of unanswered questions about this event: theft, trauma, deception.

It rained all day, bucketed down,
as unrelenting as his demise. Hours spent
waiting for the certified entry.
Drove home in the dark, no time
to eat. I had to hang on,
I had to keep it in.

Their solicitor wrote off our complaint,
harangued us for not visiting, how could Sis visit
from Australia, half a world away. His letter stirred Is letter form solicitor or from the father?
up in me a savageness I am ashamed of.

I put away that anger, stored it for another day;
now after twenty years I lay it out, disassemble This stanza would have me believe the letter was from the father.
it, leave it to waft in the wind, fragments
that no one will remember.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hospital

#10 Post by FranktheFrank » 15 Feb 2019, 21:10

Thanks Billy,
The morgue setting is gruesome
and yes they should not have left him that way.
I suppose it's their way at getting back at us for working
in the most socially demeaning job with the lowest pay
for a government body.

'Their solicitor wrote off our complaint, how could Sis visit
from Australia, half a world away, his letter stirred . . .'

See how important a comma is, thank Billy.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hospital - rev 2

#11 Post by FranktheFrank » 03 Mar 2019, 18:05

I've revised this, 'Hospital' the new title.

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Hospital - rev 2

#12 Post by capricorn » 04 Mar 2019, 16:49

I quite like the original title, Frank. Or perhaps a mix of both titles.

Eira

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hospital - rev 2

#13 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Mar 2019, 00:21

Okay, can do,
Death's Last Kiss

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1573
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Hospital - rev 2

#14 Post by Michael (MV) » 05 Mar 2019, 18:49

Would "daunted" make a suitable title

Not conditional; just workshop-share


Michael (MV)

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Hospital - rev 2

#15 Post by capricorn » 05 Mar 2019, 20:12

I like 'Daunted', Frank - perhaps 'Death's Last Kiss' is a bit cliché

Eira

Good luck with your nom. it's just been seconded.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1532
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Hospital - rev 2

#16 Post by FranktheFrank » 06 Mar 2019, 00:29

Okay, Daunted it is. Thanks Michael.

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