Ravi - The Broken Man

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
meenas17
Posts: 514
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Ravi - The Broken Man

#1 Post by meenas17 » 04 Feb 2019, 17:35

Born of an illicit relation
the master and maid,
Ravi, fumes and frets,
curses and swears
on important occasions.
Theatrical in behaviour.

Stung by his social status
nurtures vengeance
against those with
legitimate lineage.
Picks up quarrels
condemns and decries.

A recent brawl
with a subordinate
one of a general inquiry
detracts the onlookers.
The assistant is whisked off
an ugly showdown being averted.

He screams, " learn to respect
My birth might be deficient,
I am defiant will make you rue
and repent, I fear none".
Taken aback by his anger
I suppress my hatred.

The pithy sayings of my grandma
crosses in a flash. A brahmin
will not use a buffalo's dung
for homam, would demand
cow dung. Her wit makes
me understand the values of life.






Original

Ravi, as he is known,
born of a dubious relation,
master and maid,
illicit later legalized,
boils with rage then
and thenceforth.

Stung by his social status
nurtures vengeance, specially
against those with
legitimate lineage.
Ravi remains broken.
Pity him.

A recent brawl between Ravi
and a subordinate turns
ugly. He screams,
" My birth might be deficit
I am always defiant, am not afraid
of anyone"

The sympathy diffuses
converts to dislike.
The sensitivity of unblemished
parentage springs from nowhere
True, the pedigree and the status
command reputation.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#2 Post by FranktheFrank » 04 Feb 2019, 22:44

The truth of the situation reflects the old age tale
of Abraham and Hagar, Sarah's Egyptian maid, when
Hagar birthed the head of the Arab nations, Ishmael,
and created an everlasting enmity between two peoples.

Needs serious editing for grammar and punctuation.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1009
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 05 Feb 2019, 00:10

Your poems like "Grand Wedding" and "Pongal" are successful largely due to images and actions, which are lacking here. The character is very interesting...so don't just tell us about him....paint some scenes for us where he interacts with someone...let his actions, words, images, gestures, reveal his character. Your Ravi screaming defiantly works...but the last stanza, for example, is all telling...so are lines like "Ravi remains broken". Take these telling lines and turn them into an image:

Stung by his social status
nurtures vengeance, specially
against those with
legitimate lineage.

meenas17
Posts: 514
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#4 Post by meenas17 » 05 Feb 2019, 12:51

Thanks Frank.
I will correct the deficiencies in my revision.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 514
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#5 Post by meenas17 » 05 Feb 2019, 12:52

You are right, Bob.
I will add some interesting images in thee revision.
meenas17

meenas17
Posts: 514
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#6 Post by meenas17 » 05 Feb 2019, 13:55

Hope the revision reads better.
meenas17

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1334
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 05 Feb 2019, 17:00

Meena, you know you have been nominated for this month.

capricorn
Posts: 177
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#8 Post by capricorn » 11 Feb 2019, 03:53

I always love reading your poems Meena - they always have good descriptions of your way of life.

I think St 1 could be trimmed back further as curses and swears mean the same. Perhaps something like -

Born of an illicit relation
the master and maid,
Ravi, fumes and curses
with theatrical in behaviour
on important occasions.


Eira

meenas17
Posts: 514
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#9 Post by meenas17 » 11 Feb 2019, 18:01

Eira,
You are always kind.
I like your suggestions and will trim the poem in the revision.
Thanks.
meenas17

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 836
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#10 Post by Billy » 15 Feb 2019, 05:41

my take:


Born of an illicit relation
the master and maid
Ravi fumes and frets
curses and swears
on important occasions.

Stung by his social status
he nurtures vengeance
against those with
legitimate lineage.
Quarrels, condemns
and decries.

A brawl with a subordinate
a general inquiry
detracts the onlookers.
The assistant is whisked off
an ugly showdown being averted.

He screams, "learn to respect
my birth might be deficient,
I am defiant will make you rue
and repent, I fear none."

The pithy sayings of my grandma
cross in a flash. "A brahmin
will not use buffalo's dung
for homam, would demand
cow dung." Her wit makes
me understand the values of life.

I believe there needs to be a better transition to the final stanza and a better final sentence. Just my two cents, take or leave

meenas17
Posts: 514
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Ravi - The Broken Man

#11 Post by meenas17 » 16 Feb 2019, 16:16

Thanks, Billy.
I have to work on the final stanza and the last sentence.
I will pay heed to your suggestions.
meenas17

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”