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Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Posted: 11 Feb 2019, 03:58
by capricorn
Between Seasons (edited St 4 )
September weaves with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill coaxes me outside
where a north westerly blast
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen leaves
are muddied to mulch. I ache
for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions, gift shopping,
embellishments and overspending.
Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into an idyllic realm; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until
light promises. I stagger to the window,
searching, for a scarlet flash
of the swallows’ return.
---------------------------------------------------
Edit
St4 L2 was summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
---------------------------------------------------
Between Seasons
September stuns with lime and copper;
a robin’s wistful trill entices me outside
where a north westerly blast
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache
for dog days’ heat with perpetual light.
Yuletide brings distractions
with gift shopping and gaudy baubles.
Limbs clothed in spangled white
summon me into a crystal paradise; desolate
I huddle beneath my faux fur throw, until
light glimmers. I stagger to the window,
searching, for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Edits:
St2 L1 was chills with melancholia
St2 L1 was ….heat with solar light
Re: Between Seasons
Posted: 11 Feb 2019, 04:52
by BobBradshaw
Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:
for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Re: Between Seasons
Posted: 11 Feb 2019, 08:37
by BobBradshaw
I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...
Re: Between Seasons
Posted: 11 Feb 2019, 18:00
by meenas17
Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.
September stuns with lime and copper.
The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.
Nice.
Re: Between Seasons
Posted: 13 Feb 2019, 02:48
by capricorn
BobBradshaw wrote: ↑11 Feb 2019, 04:52
Really like the details and sounds, the alliteration etc. one nitpick: crystal paradise sounds too precious, too close to postcard description. Love that closing:
for the scarlet flash
of swallow’s return.
Thanks Bob,
I did think someone might comment on 'crystal paradise' line. I'm thinking on it.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons
Posted: 13 Feb 2019, 02:52
by capricorn
BobBradshaw wrote: ↑11 Feb 2019, 08:37
I may be wrong about the crystal paradise now that I read it again in context... not my favorite line but maybe it works. I really like this poem, the fallen foliage muddied, the faux fur...
Glad you like it, Bob. I am thinking on that line, but as yet have not found what I'm looking for. Have made a couple of other changes.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons
Posted: 13 Feb 2019, 02:53
by capricorn
meenas17 wrote: ↑11 Feb 2019, 18:00
Get a feel of September.
The first line is great.
September stuns with lime and copper.
The longing for the solar light and the the search for the return of the swallow
are expressed beautifully.
Nice.
Thanks Meena - glad you enjoyed this one.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
Posted: 13 Feb 2019, 08:25
by BobBradshaw
Good edits
Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
Posted: 13 Feb 2019, 18:46
by Kenneth2816
Beautiful poem Bob
Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
Posted: 13 Feb 2019, 20:38
by BobBradshaw
It’s not mine...it’s Eira’s lovely poem
Re: Between Seasons (small edits)
Posted: 23 Feb 2019, 18:51
by capricorn
I take that as a compliment, Ken, Bob.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 23 Feb 2019, 18:51
by capricorn
Edited!
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 23 Feb 2019, 20:50
by Billy
I like the changes you've made; they enhance the authenticity of the poem. I'm wondering about "dog day's heat" and "crystal paradise", but then your poetry is different from my tastes, and difference makes the world go round. I do love the first line.
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 23 Feb 2019, 21:23
by BobBradshaw
I like weaves better than stun. I agree w: Billy about the crystal paradise, but maybe it works... just could be improved on...overall a lovely piece
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 23 Feb 2019, 23:32
by FranktheFrank
s2-missing a 'too'.
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 24 Feb 2019, 01:18
by capricorn
Billy wrote: ↑23 Feb 2019, 20:50
I like the changes you've made; they enhance the authenticity of the poem. I'm wondering about "dog day's heat" and "crystal paradise", but then your poetry is different from my tastes, and difference makes the world go round. I do love the first line.
Thanks Billy - I'll think on those.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 24 Feb 2019, 01:21
by capricorn
BobBradshaw wrote: ↑23 Feb 2019, 21:23
I like weaves better than stun. I agree w: Billy about the crystal paradise, but maybe it works... just could be improved on...overall a lovely piece
Yes, I'm still thinking on crystal paradise, but haven't quite got there yet (brain block)
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 24 Feb 2019, 01:22
by capricorn
Not sure where, Frank?
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 25 Feb 2019, 02:03
by FranktheFrank
s2.
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 26 Feb 2019, 23:11
by capricorn
Hi Frank,
I must be dim, but I cannot see where there should be a 'too' here
chills to the core.
Stomping in the rain, fallen foliage
is muddied to mulch. I ache
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (more edits)
Posted: 27 Feb 2019, 12:06
by FranktheFrank
Okay.
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Posted: 28 Feb 2019, 00:59
by capricorn
Have changed 'spangled paradise' - don't know if it is any better?
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Posted: 03 Mar 2019, 07:47
by Michael (MV)
Hi Eira,
I like "weaves"
and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem
Michael (MV)
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Posted: 03 Mar 2019, 17:16
by capricorn
Michael (MV) wrote: ↑03 Mar 2019, 07:47
Hi Eira,
I like "weaves"
and, too, b/c it rhymes with leaves,
feels right for this poem
Michael (MV)
Thanks Michael,
I pressume you mean change foliage in St2 to leaves? Brilliant idea. I'll change that now.
Eira
Re: Between Seasons (edit spangled paradise)
Posted: 04 Mar 2019, 21:37
by BobBradshaw
Liked the change