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V3:
Salmon Run

He squirms under fallen branches
leaps over toppled trees
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders his hump

slicing the water as eagles'
talons like trawling hooks
skim the surface

all while females at the run's
end scoop redds
in the riffle
dropping their roe
in pebbled shallows

no thought of turning back
not even after the milky
clouds have settled
his mouth gaping

lost in a fog
of senescence drifting
slowly, everywhere bumping
against the lifeless



V2:Salmon Run


He writhes under fallen branches,
leaps over toppled trees,
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders,
his hump slicing the water
as eagles' talons, like trawling hooks,
skim the surface,
and as females at the run's end
scoop redds
in the riffle,
dropping their roe
in pebbled shallows,
he gives no thought of turning around
not even after the milky clouds
have settled,
his mouth gaping,
and him lost in a fog of senescence,
drifting slowly, everywhere--
bumping against him--
the dead.



V1:
Salmon Run


Writhing under fallen branches,
leaping over toppled trees,
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders,
he barrels ahead
his hump slicing the water
as eagles' talons, like trawling hooks,
skim the surface--
but with girls at the run's' end
scooping redds
in the riffle,
dropping their roe
in turbulent shallows,
he gives no thought of turning around
not even after the milky clouds
have settled,
his mouth gaping,
and him lost in a fog of senescence,
drifting slowly, everywhere--
bumping against him--
the dead.

I love all the descriptions and the end, but I'm just not sold on this line: "but with girls at the run's' end". I don't know maybe others like it and I'm just off.

I too found that line a bit odd, especially the negative 'but'.

but with girls at the run's' end
scooping redds
in the riffle,

I see Meena's disquiteness at the 'but',
normally one would expect an alternate view,
or an explanation. I have reservations about 'girls',
think 'females' would do.

Some excellent thoughts, guys... thank you... I will make adjustments... Frank, like especially the “pebbled shallows”

Bob
Read a good poem first read of the morning. I did not quite get the girls,only got it after Frank's 'females. I also love the sound of those sibilant words which are quite new to me.

S

Thanks, Siva

This is coming nicely Bob, I feel you still have lines to tidy up:

I love nature poems, Bob , so really enjoyed the descriptions in this one.

Good revision, I would only suggest 'corpses' instead of 'dead' in the last line.

Eira

Thanks, Eira

Hi Bob,

in form & movement, William Carlos Williams' ekphrastic poem "The Dance" (The Kermess) immediately springs to mind:

https://genius.com/William-carlos-willi ... -annotated

Hopkins' inscape & rhythm, too


below, illustrated workshop(phantom punctuation, white space, some erratic lineage) for your perusal & consideration Michael (MV)


He writhes under fallen branches
leaps over toppled trees
his gills burning as he hurdles
over boulders his hump

slicing the water as eagles'
talons like trawling hooks
skim the surface

all while females at the run's
end scoop redds
in the riffle
dropping their roe
in pebbled shallows

no thought of turning back
not even after the milky
clouds have settled
his mouth gaping

lost in a miasma
of senescence drifting
everywhere slowing bumping
against the lifeless

I like this, Michael. I will probably use it... thank you

Thx, Michael... this is a big improvement