Page 1 of 1
Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 18 Jun 2019, 19:59
by BobBradshaw
Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
I dream of waving to my public, a blue diver
nosing up to the aquarium's glass
with her ruby gloves and neon tank.
Slowly, as if she's too cool to be hurried,
she cleans the glass with a squeegee,
a tiger shark cruising behind her.
Two bottlenose dolphins
hover over her shoulders,
as if expecting a selfie.
A harbor seal rushes up to kiss her.
Like my friends on the burn ward,
I would trade a lifetime of desserts
to be swimming in an indigo suit.
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 19 Jun 2019, 00:23
by Michael (MV)
Hi Bob,
Good to find, read & workshop this this Tuesday afternoon - Thanks. I love dolphins - sea dogs
workshop-share -
1/ a subject-verb agreement:
A harbor seals rushes up to kiss her.
or
Harbor seals rush up to kiss her.
2/ re the title & close
title as:
"Children Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium"
then with the close (which already links smoothly with the opening line/image:
Like my friends on the burn ward,
I would trade a lifetime of desserts
to be swimming in an indigo suit.
^^ Such powerful symbolism - and the way it makes its splash, like a dolphin suddenly breaking surface & suspended in mid air
And the speaker had no idea of the Vision waiting to be experienced - that surfaced from the aquarium.
As Michelangelo said: "The artist doesn't have a concept."
but the artist is perceptive to the clue
Michael (MV)
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 19 Jun 2019, 05:49
by SivaRamanathan
Loved reading this Bob. I too was able to spot the harbour seals,collective noun.The images are bright and breath-taking.There is enough momentum of surprise.It also passes off as casual,therein lies the beauty.
S
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 19 Jun 2019, 09:17
by Kenneth2816
A unique premise for a poem, splendidly done.
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 19 Jun 2019, 16:41
by FranktheFrank
Agree with Siva lovely to read.
Michael about sums it up.
Well done, you continue
on a roll Bob.
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 19 Jun 2019, 19:48
by BobBradshaw
Thanks, Michael -- I have made some of your suggested revisions.
Kenneth, Siva, Frank - thank you so much for your thoughts...generous...Siva, I can't thank you enough
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 03 Jul 2019, 13:41
by Kenneth2816
I'm predicting a place in IBPC on this Bob. Bet money.
Re: Children from a Burn Ward Tour Monterey Bay Aquarium
Posted: 07 Jul 2019, 06:17
by BobBradshaw
Thx, Ken, I appreciate your optimism and support