Iron Ore Miner (1859) -V2

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Iron Ore Miner (1859) -V2

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 08 Jul 2019, 01:32

Iron Ore Miner (1859)

Before Pen y Garn, at Trallwn
we slept in barns and watched our
children grow large eyes.
We gleaned oats spilled by the ponies,
and scavenged from the turnip
slicer set for winter fodder

At Dowlais we walked miles
after five underground, time to dwell
on home and hearth.
The red glow from our fires,
the waft of home cooked cawl,
deep seated in our hearts.

Lean from the chill of the mountain
air, lean from the weariness of ever
present death: a roof fall,
a pony’s stubborn kick,
a careless strike
from a fellow’s axe

Sundays we wake to sunlight
playing on our iron set faces

Rachel cried when Evan went down
to keep the iron doors. Ada will watch
over him, only five and afraid of the dark.
All my boys working, earning their shilling

Strange to see the women:
shimmering sweat
streaked shapes, sirens
flickering in candlelight.

John, my eldest, studies every night,
mathematics, and engines, he'll make
engineer one day and me barely
able to write my name. He learned
the new language and to write
in the old at Sunday school.

I beat that fireman bad. He spoke
sharply to me as I struck the rock,
and me that has seen a flurry of winters
in these hills and felt the bitter
wind whistle through my bones.

Me that ran in Rebecca robes
during the riots and burned
the tolls in '31.
Poor Dic, hanged
for our transgressions,
buried at Aberafan.

We missed transportation,
we changed our names.
Better liars than Australia.
Parch says to leave our families without
support would make us worse than infidels.

The fireman's life hangs by a thread,
if he dies I will follow soon enough.
I cough the rock dust from my lungs,
mixed with red speckled phlegm.

The mine brings us down slowly,
kills us gently, I won't see sixty.
Rachel knows, she puts her gold coins
by. Dai knows I can't keep up
with the younger men.

A lass helped me move a tub today,
lovely with her shining hair by my cap
light. Her breasts heaving with exertion
as she strove to help, her garment
parted to reveal her beauty,
and I was glad .

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2683
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Iron Ore Miner (1859)

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 08 Jul 2019, 22:47

I love the storyteller’s voice. his rhythms and images. What the poem needs is a clear way of flowing the different asides together. Many stanzas feel like standalone short poems, with excellent writing, but they don’t build toward an inevitable close.

References are picked up and dropped—like the son, John. I am not familiar with the ‘31 reference and how it fits into the poem.

Lots of good lines, a lovely voice... now give us a simple, straight forward story line... take out what gets in the way... work on the segues, and you will have a lovely piece

Example of lines I really like:

the weariness of ever
present death: a roof fall,
a pony’s stubborn kick,
a careless strike
from a fellow’s axe

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Iron Ore Miner (1859)

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 09 Jul 2019, 00:42

Point taken Bob, John studying is part of a larger story,
shall dispense with it.
1831 refers to the Rebecca riots, problem is explaining vs telling,
will have to think.
The myriad details should all build up showing N's life
and one glorious day in all that, quite wicked but nevertheless enthralling.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1168
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Iron Ore Miner (1859) -V2

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 10 Jul 2019, 22:51

It reads well. Good that you gloss those unknown words. I rather like it.Though as Bob says what you want to hit home,is lost in the narration.

S

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Iron Ore Miner (1859) -V2

#5 Post by FranktheFrank » 11 Jul 2019, 10:20

Thanks Siva, I have attempted to addressed Bob's
concerns in S7 and shown progression. It really
is about the constant hardships, fear of death
and primeval conditions where a man finds comfort
in the beauty of a woman's body and help in the most
unlikeliest of places and thanks his maker for such a revelation.

User avatar
Billy
Posts: 1384
Joined: 22 Jun 2006, 10:56

Re: Iron Ore Miner (1859) -V2

#6 Post by Billy » 16 Jul 2019, 18:42

There’s a change after stanza 4 that takes away from the poem. The voice changes and I’m a little confused.I like so much of the poem in pieces.

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1983
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Iron Ore Miner (1859) -V2

#7 Post by FranktheFrank » 16 Jul 2019, 23:05

Thanks Billy
There is a slight change in voice as you say after the Sunday stanza.
N is one person and meandering through the past in his mind
or maybe telling a friend, or even justifying his actions
and his fears for the future.

Post Reply