Church of Pain V2

Poets post their works-in-progress here for crit and commentary. We want poets who are serious about getting their work published.
Post Reply
Message
Author
Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Church of Pain V2

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 Jul 2019, 00:28

Jesus carves a hollow in you,
builds Himself a place to live.

Scuttling ushers take up offering,
ransom for the rebel King.

When my time comes I'll bite the biscuit,
wash it with a sup of wine.

Tell Mother Mary how I'm sorry
to have hurt her baby boy.





He carves a hollow in the breast,
crawls inside to live.

Scuttling butlers with silver plates
take up offering.

Tear-streaked mascara, your
hair an apostasy of tangles,

I bite the Eucharist.
This is the way we say sorry.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1229
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Church of Pain

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 18 Jul 2019, 20:48

Sorry, I don’t know how to read this... I get the satiric last line, but not the other ones.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Church of Pain

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 18 Jul 2019, 23:31

Thanks for reading Bob.Any poem that needs explaining fails, imho.

meenas17
Posts: 605
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Church of Pain

#4 Post by meenas17 » 19 Jul 2019, 07:23

Different anecdotes stringed together makes up the poem.
Seems unconnected,
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Church of Pain

#5 Post by Kenneth2816 » 19 Jul 2019, 13:41

Thanks Meenas

capricorn
Posts: 261
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Church of Pain

#6 Post by capricorn » 19 Jul 2019, 22:39

Some good lines Kenneth. I don't think this has failed, just needs a bit of work.
Eira

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Church of Pain

#7 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Jul 2019, 00:24

Ok. Thanks Eira

Kenneth2816
Posts: 991
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Church of Pain V2

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 20 Jul 2019, 01:12

Revised

Post Reply

Return to “Writer's Block - Where The Poets Hang”