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Church of Pain V2

Posted: 18 Jul 2019, 00:28
by Kenneth2816
Jesus carves a hollow in you,
builds Himself a place to live.

Scuttling ushers take up offering,
ransom for the rebel King.

When my time comes I'll bite the biscuit,
wash it with a sup of wine.

Tell Mother Mary how I'm sorry
to have hurt her baby boy.





He carves a hollow in the breast,
crawls inside to live.

Scuttling butlers with silver plates
take up offering.

Tear-streaked mascara, your
hair an apostasy of tangles,

I bite the Eucharist.
This is the way we say sorry.

Re: Church of Pain

Posted: 18 Jul 2019, 20:48
by BobBradshaw
Sorry, I don’t know how to read this... I get the satiric last line, but not the other ones.

Re: Church of Pain

Posted: 18 Jul 2019, 23:31
by Kenneth2816
Thanks for reading Bob.Any poem that needs explaining fails, imho.

Re: Church of Pain

Posted: 19 Jul 2019, 07:23
by meenas17
Different anecdotes stringed together makes up the poem.
Seems unconnected,

Re: Church of Pain

Posted: 19 Jul 2019, 13:41
by Kenneth2816
Thanks Meenas

Re: Church of Pain

Posted: 19 Jul 2019, 22:39
by capricorn
Some good lines Kenneth. I don't think this has failed, just needs a bit of work.
Eira

Re: Church of Pain

Posted: 20 Jul 2019, 00:24
by Kenneth2816
Ok. Thanks Eira

Re: Church of Pain V2

Posted: 20 Jul 2019, 01:12
by Kenneth2816
Revised