Twenty Two Boys Go on an European Tour

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Twenty Two Boys Go on an European Tour

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 22 Aug 2019, 03:15

A group of boys, we called Lords, from Loyola are sent on an European packaged tour
Grandpa entreats the brothers at Loyola to take two more lads from the Presidential College
we called little princes, When they land in Europe, at the Port of Rotterdam
someone gently removed Uncle's coat from behind as he stood up
then brought it back with a bill for two guilders and fifty cents
Uncle hasn't enough left just a mere guilder for future expenses
Father Arulswarmy, a bit of a playboy, has left the party of youths to fend for themselves.
and they disperse throughout the city for four days unsupervised, eventually they meet up
on the evening of the fifth day just before embarkation. Uncle remembers he has to collect the two watches.
On the banks of the Neder Rhine he locates the same small jeweller’s shop served by a short stout woman
he explains that the watches cannot go to India, they have been returned, customs will not clear them
the stout woman draws a large ledger and after peering over unlocks the display to hand over two watches
just like that. Uncle warbles, 'I wish to buy a lady's watch for my future sister-in-law.'
'Free of charge,' she announces imperiously. The tour party of boys rush in like a herd of livestock,
and all buy a watch each and some buy a watch for Arulswarny too. The woman is pleased to have sold
thirty watches. I think back to this story I dreamt up 64 years ago, now set in time like a time-machine
Aunty, Uncle's big brother's wife has also died, Uncle told me Anni wore it for years and years.

capricorn
Posts: 290
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Twenty Two Boys Go on an European Tour

#2 Post by capricorn » 24 Aug 2019, 01:31

SivaRamanathan wrote:
22 Aug 2019, 03:15

Hi Siva - just needs some tightening up. Here are a few suggestions:

[ ] indicates deletes

A group of boys[, we called Lords], from Loyola are sent on an European packaged tour
Grandpa entreats the brothers at Loyola to take two more lads from the Presidential College
we called them little princes, When they land in [Europe, at the Port of Rotterdam] Europe's Port of Rotterdam
someone gently removed Uncle's coat from behind as he stood up
[then brought it back] returned it with a bill for more than two guilders [and fifty cents]
Uncle hasn't enough left just a mere guilder for future expenses
Father Arulswarmy, [a bit of] a playboy, has left the party of youths to fend for themselves.
[and] They disperse throughout the city for four days unsupervised, eventually they meet up
on the evening of the fifth day just before embarkation. Uncle remembers he has to collect the two watches.
On the banks of the Neder Rhine he locates the same small jeweller’s shop served by a short stout woman.
He explains that the watches cannot go to India, they have been returned, customs will not clear them.
The [stout] woman draws a large ledger and [after] peering over, unlocks the display to hand over two watches
[just like that]. Uncle warbles, 'I wish to buy a lady's watch for my future sister-in-law.'
'Free of charge,' she announces imperiously. The tour party of boys rush in like a herd of livestock,
and all buy a watch each and some buy a watch for Arulswarny too. The woman is pleased to have sold
thirty watches. I think back to this story I dreamt up 64 years ago, now set [in time] like a time-machine
[Aunty,] Uncle's big brother's wife has also died, Uncle told me Anni wore it for[ years and ] many years.
Take what you need for revision - I also think a few line breaks might help for clarification.
Eira

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1004
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Twenty Two Boys Go on an European Tour

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 24 Aug 2019, 05:01

Thank you Eira.I will work on it.

S

meenas17
Posts: 683
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Twenty Two Boys Go on an European Tour

#4 Post by meenas17 » 25 Aug 2019, 10:41

Enjoyed reading.
You have got the knack to render such events with ease.
Break the lines and tweak a little.
It will turn a good poem.
meenas17

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