New York Pitch Conference Reviews, Algonkian Writer Conferences, and Poetry Forums

Son of a Preacher Man

Trains hiss past their picnic patch;
jam sandwiches and ice cream soda -

seated on clover, beneath a horse chestnut
canopy, its gnarled trunk their love-seat back.

Sun blazes; leafy drapes eclipse a first kiss –
eyes wide, lips tight, breath held until gasping.

On Sunday, in best lemon dress with cream
straw boater, she perches by him on dark oak.

He looks older in a grey suit and maroon
striped tie, hair Brylcreemed back.

Their hands brush; a shy smile. She hopes
no one notices. Granny might –

hawk eyes always watching her school-girl
and the preacher’s son, two years her junior.
-----------------------------------------

Last stanza was

hawk eyes always watching her school-girl
and the Baptist preacher’s son.

--------------------------------------------------------------
An oldie tightened into couplets.
Ending used to be

the ten-year-old school girl
and Baptist Preacher’s son
two years her junior.

which does give a different slant?

Love the way you present the details of their dress.
Colours play a role to enhance the romantic scenario.
Brylcreemed black makes one smile.
The hawk eyed granny always watchful of the hide and seek disallows a more passionate experience.

Enjoyed.

I think you do a good job in a few lines. Good example of show, don't tell.

I echo the others... well done...especially liked “breath held until gasping”

meenas17 wrote: ↑

25 Aug 2019, 10:38

Love the way you present the details of their dress.
Colours play a role to enhance the romantic scenario.
Brylcreemed black makes one smile.
The hawk eyed granny always watchful of the hide and seek disallows a more passionate experience.

Enjoyed.

Thanks Meena - glad you enjoyed
Eira

Kenneth2816 wrote: ↑

25 Aug 2019, 13:58

I think you do a good job in a few lines. Good example of show, don't tell.

Thanks for your comments, Ken. This one was a lot longer originally, so I'm glad the tightening has worked.
Eira

BobBradshaw wrote: ↑

25 Aug 2019, 19:52

I echo the others... well done...especially liked “breath held until gasping”

Thanks Bob for pointing out the line you liked.
Eira

Hi Eira

Re the close:

the denomination is not needed

hawk eyes always watching her school-girl 
and the preacher’s son, two years her junior.

And then consider finding a different title, so that the identity, preacher's son, is saved for the finale.




Michael

Thanks Michael,

I can see what you mean and will make the change now.
Will think on the title.

Eira

This is a confirmed nom for IBPC. You just need to accept at the usual place

Thanks Ken. I'll accept & post now.
Michael suggested a new title - most I've thought of sound a bit cliché, but I've decided on 'Secret Love'. If you think of anything better please let me know.
Eira

 
Hi Eira,

"Secret Love" is cliché, too - but that doesn't absolutely rule it out as a title - the text needs to bring newness to it.


Consider epigraph in lieu of title:

from Shakespeare's Merchant of Venice

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose.
An evil soul producing holy witness
Is like a villain with a smiling cheek,
A goodly apple rotten at the heart.
O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”

^^ however, Not All 5 lines

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose."

or

"O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”

or bookend

“The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose . . . O, what a goodly outside falsehood hath!”


in the spirit of workshopping

Michael (MV)

 
 
 
 
 

Thanks for getting back here, Michael. I was not satisfied with 'Secret Love' but I always find titles difficult. Your suggestions are much fresher. I'll consider one now.

Eira