Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

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capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

#1 Post by capricorn » 28 Aug 2019, 03:06

Found you again on Facebook (revision 2)

That college disco, the group sang
Let’s Dance. A feather-touch
on my shoulder and husky whisper

‘Dance with me?’ He was a sandy haired
Paul McCartney, his dark suit
enhanced with a narrow neon tie.

Can’t Take my Eyes off You. We jived
twisted, until the music slowed
- Sealed with a Kiss.

He fed me Black Magic, romance
only murmured because he wasn’t free.
The faded chocolate box still hides

his letters at the back of my wardrobe.
Now I struggle, to recognise any feature,
fifty years have fuzzed details of his face.

Beatle style is side brushed now, greying,
and The Way you Look Tonight
- the image of my late grandpa.

Yet, he still has that captivating smile
that sets butterflies loose inside my ribcage –
like it is only Yesterday.

My finger hovers over friend request –
would he remember or even recognise me?
Perhaps it’s best to Let it Be


-----------------------------------------------------------------
She Found Him Again on Facebook (revision)

That college disco, the group sang
Let’s Dance. A feather-touch
on her shoulder and husky whisper

'Dance with me?' He was a sandy haired
Paul McCartney, his dark suit
enhanced with a narrow neon tie.

Can’t Take my Eyes off You They jived
twisted, eyes writing love notes until
the music slowed - Sealed with a Kiss.

He fed her Black Magic, hungry lips
mouthing frisky fingertips. Romance
only murmured - he wasn’t free.

The faded chocolate box still hides
his letters at the back of her wardrobe.
Now she struggles, to recognise any feature

fifty years have fuzzed details of his face.
Beatle cut is side brushed now, greying.
He looks the image of her late grandpa,

elderly, spectacled with a paunch.
She won’t send a friend request,
He might not remember her anyway.


------------------------------------------------

Found You Again on Facebook

A feather-touch on my shoulder
and husky whisper - Like to Dance?
We twisted, jived, eyes writing love-notes.

You fed me Black Magic, hungry lips
mouthing frisky fingertips. The faded box
still hides your letters at the back of my wardrobe.

You were a sandy-haired Paul McCartney,
Beatle cut is side brushed now, greying;
I squint, struggling to recognise any feature,

fifty years has fuzzed details of your face.
You look so much like my late grandpa,
an aging, spectacled man, with a paunch.
---------------------------------------------------------

Deleted last stanza

But I’ve found you!
Logging out, I shutdown, limp away -
my crumpled image caught in the mirror.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1104
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 28 Aug 2019, 05:08

Liked reading this.Till the logging out, everything sounds as if it is a face to face recognition.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1503
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#3 Post by BobBradshaw » 28 Aug 2019, 19:37

Lovely, warmhearted poem....I would end the poem on "paunch".

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 28 Aug 2019, 22:22

Eira. This is a warm, inviting poem
Since you have Facebook in the title, I concur about ending with launch or change the wording

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#5 Post by capricorn » 03 Sep 2019, 02:46

SivaRamanathan wrote:
28 Aug 2019, 05:08
Liked reading this.Till the logging out, everything sounds as if it is a face to face recognition.

S
It is memories, Siva

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#6 Post by capricorn » 03 Sep 2019, 02:46

SivaRamanathan wrote:
28 Aug 2019, 05:08
Liked reading this.Till the logging out, everything sounds as if it is a face to face recognition.

S
It is memories, Siva

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#7 Post by capricorn » 03 Sep 2019, 02:47

BobBradshaw wrote:
28 Aug 2019, 19:37
Lovely, warmhearted poem....I would end the poem on "paunch".
Yes, I suppose the last stanza is not needed

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#8 Post by capricorn » 03 Sep 2019, 02:50

Kenneth2816 wrote:
28 Aug 2019, 22:22
Eira. This is a warm, inviting poem
Since you have Facebook in the title, I concur about ending with launch or change the wording
Have deleted last stanza

Eira

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Found you Again on Facebook

#9 Post by meenas17 » 03 Sep 2019, 03:57

Facebook has become part of our life.
It is being referred to in a poem.
This one, Eira, is as by far the comments go gentle and warm.
meenas17

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision)

#10 Post by capricorn » 15 Feb 2020, 23:26

I just found the original of this under a different name. It was a very detailed poem but I've included some of the details in this version as I felt it needed filling out a bit.

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1503
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision)

#11 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Feb 2020, 22:57

I like this, especially the mix of song names intertwined in it. I think you have one too many descriptive lines though...I like this one the least...Taking it out would improve the poem.
hungry lips
mouthing frisky fingertips

I like the poem's concept( an old one, but updated with the Facebook interface)--but I would like more detail at the end...instead of a generic older man, some detail that makes him unique or at least allows him some individuality....the closing line is okay, but could it be hyped up a bit? Maybe more nostalgia? Or even jaded?

You're close. This poem should end up being a gem...keep working it

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1596
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision)

#12 Post by Michael (MV) » 17 Feb 2020, 05:51

Hi Eira,

I can relate to the poem's premise/theme

and I like the soundtrack included by allusion.

In workshop accord re the finale sans "facebook."


Serendipitious - I wrote these lines this Valentine's week:

Lovers forever
face(book) to face(book).

Fortunately, Love is not a book.
Books are bound.

Love is free.
The heart - blue & red - purple
is not earthbound

Go ask Romeo & Juliet
Heathcliff & Cathy
Poe & Virginia
Bonnie & Clyde
I believe they'll know


😎 always away on a sunny-moon

Michael (He art)

KolaKubes
Posts: 1
Joined: 06 Jan 2016, 14:20

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision)

#13 Post by KolaKubes » 17 Feb 2020, 16:34

The soundtrack goes so well with the poem. It's like it was meant to be.

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

#14 Post by capricorn » 20 Feb 2020, 01:42

Thanks for your suggestions, Bob. I've made some changes.

Eira

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

#15 Post by capricorn » 20 Feb 2020, 01:44

Thanks for sharing that Michael.
Eira

capricorn
Posts: 333
Joined: 21 Sep 2017, 23:23

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision)

#16 Post by capricorn » 20 Feb 2020, 01:47

KolaKubes wrote:
17 Feb 2020, 16:34
The soundtrack goes so well with the poem. It's like it was meant to be.
Thank you KolaKubes and welcome to Writers Block. I have added a few more songs to the poem, hoping they go well too.
I hope you may post one of your poems soon - look forward to it.

Eira

Michael (MV)
Posts: 1596
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

#17 Post by Michael (MV) » 20 Feb 2020, 21:46

Eira,

I like the finale of version 2

So natural to the poem, esp,

"Perhaps it’s best to Let it Be"

Yeats said the right close to a poem is like a lid to its box

And Goldilocks said "that's just right"

🤓

Michael (MV)

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1503
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

#18 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Feb 2020, 01:31

Yes! Your revision is terrific.... love the ending

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1503
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Found you Again on Facebook (revision 2)

#19 Post by BobBradshaw » 21 Feb 2020, 01:34

This is a nom for sure, and I believe a winner... such a charmer...

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