Mistaken Identity
Mistaken Identity
Mistaken Identity
I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned
around your wispy frame and I'm enticed
to delve into nostalgic reveries:
Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun and spiced
with tea and cakes. Then age sneaked up, disease
besieged your mind as slowly roles reversed.
Pink roses brush sweet lilies wreathed on oak.
As grief cascaded, I became immersed
beneath until buoyed up by kindly folk.
I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of the face I've reminisced;
my vision drifts away upon a gust
of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist
I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
A flurry of magnolia leaves is churned
around your wispy frame and I'm enticed
to delve into nostalgic reveries:
Close-knit; our weekly jaunts were fun and spiced
with tea and cakes. Then age sneaked up, disease
besieged your mind as slowly roles reversed.
Pink roses brush sweet lilies wreathed on oak.
As grief cascaded, I became immersed
beneath until buoyed up by kindly folk.
I shiver when you turn, revealing just
a shadow of the face I've reminisced;
my vision drifts away upon a gust
of autumn's breath - a phantom turns to mist
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- Posts: 1619
- Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17
Re: Mistaken Identity
Eira, this is well rendered with rhyme. Sad poem against the backdrop of autumn.
Re: Mistaken Identity
Love the imagery Eira.
the concluding line of autumn;s breath --- a phantom turns to mist leaves a picturesque image.
the concluding line of autumn;s breath --- a phantom turns to mist leaves a picturesque image.
meenas17
Re: Mistaken Identity
Thanks Ken, I've been so busy I'd almost forgotten this one.Kenneth2816 wrote: ↑13 Sep 2019, 07:12Eira, this is well rendered with rhyme. Sad poem against the backdrop of autumn.
Eira
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- Posts: 2692
- Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03
Re: Mistaken Identity
I really like that opening stanza...I also like the mix of full and slant rhyme...At times the poem tends too much towards the poetic, as in "autumn's breath"....I would look to change that description, and some of the lines in the 3rd stanza for the same reason. I like the closing, as everyone else does, "a phantom turns to mist", which you've set us up for beautifully.
My favorite lines....I also admire here how the waves of salt line flows into the next line...and how the stanza closes the simile perfectly with "turned against the biting easterlies' assault"...these 3 lines, simple but imaginative, wow me.
I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
My favorite lines....I also admire here how the waves of salt line flows into the next line...and how the stanza closes the simile perfectly with "turned against the biting easterlies' assault"...these 3 lines, simple but imaginative, wow me.
I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
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- Posts: 2154
- Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57
Re: Mistaken Identity
Hi Eira
Kenneth has recommended your poem:
http://www.the-writers-block.net/forum/ ... 644#p36093
asap
Thanks Eira
Michael
Kenneth has recommended your poem:
http://www.the-writers-block.net/forum/ ... 644#p36093
asap
Thanks Eira
Michael
Re: Mistaken Identity
BobBradshaw wrote: ↑04 Oct 2019, 09:49I really like that opening stanza...I also like the mix of full and slant rhyme...At times the poem tends too much towards the poetic, as in "autumn's breath"....I would look to change that description, and some of the lines in the 3rd stanza for the same reason. I like the closing, as everyone else does, "a phantom turns to mist", which you've set us up for beautifully.
My favorite lines....I also admire here how the waves of salt line flows into the next line...and how the stanza closes the simile perfectly with "turned against the biting easterlies' assault"...these 3 lines, simple but imaginative, wow me.
I pause to check familiar waves of salt
and pepper tucked inside your collar, turned
against the biting easterlies' assault.
Thanks Bob, I can tend to be overly poetic (used to be much worse) I've tidied up St 3 a little - hope it reads better.
Eira