Wild Ponies

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Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Wild Ponies

#1 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2019, 11:25

The wild ponies of the Outer Banks
have held fast over five hundred years
swam ashore from a sinking Spanish galleon.

They say Blackbeard captured
one and hung a lantern
from it's neck, turned it loose
to roam the dunes, fool ships to run
aground thinking it a harbor light.

I saved a little money to take
my new lover to Okracoke, then
the ferry to Nags Head
to climb the lighthouse.

Last night I made an omelette
with feta and spinach, listened
between bites her recite the wrongs
she's suffered, the litany of men
with promises and easy smiles.

I thought how hope holds
us hostage, the belief this time
will be different, and we go on.

By 3AM she was spent and listless.
I ran a bath with candles, kissed
her muzzle, stroked her chestnut mane,
slathered her withers until something
half like a whimper
escsped her nostrils and she
lolled her head like an infant
drunk on breast milk
lay back and cried out
for mercy from a lawless sea.

Need some good input rough draft

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1094
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Wild Ponies

#2 Post by SivaRamanathan » 16 Oct 2019, 13:07

Ken
The images have come out well.We have ponies only in the hills.
I thought 'latest lover',instead of 'new lover' I like the last line The last four lines make the poem.

S

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Wild Ponies

#3 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2019, 13:29

Ty Siva.

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Wild Ponies

#4 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2019, 15:19

Should I not disguise the erotic parts by substitution of a horse's anatomy? I wonder if it's too OTT as is

meenas17
Posts: 694
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Wild Ponies

#5 Post by meenas17 » 16 Oct 2019, 17:07

The poem runs smooth till the last stanza,
I feel the one has an excess of sensuous references.
Contain them or substitute with a pleasant imagery.
meenas17

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Wild Ponies

#6 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2019, 17:29

Ty meenas

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1494
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Wild Ponies

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 16 Oct 2019, 21:21

Those last six lines are gorgeous.....but like my Emily poem you're overdoing the horse imagery a bit...2 suggestions: take out muzzle(maybe replace it with 'heaving mouth') and replace withers with 'swimmer's back'....otherwise, what beautiful writing throughout!

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Wild Ponies

#8 Post by Kenneth2816 » 16 Oct 2019, 22:00

I did very close to what you said. Thank you

wild ponies of the Outer Banks
have held fast over five hundred years
through dozens of hurricanes .
The pirate Blackbeard captured
one and hung a lantern
from it's neck, turned it loose
to roam the dunes, fool ships to run
aground thinking it a harbor light.

I saved a little money to take
my new lover to Okracoke, then
the ferry to Nags Head
to climb the lighthouse,
and if the weather holds,
a glass of Merlot
at the maritime museum in Hatteras.

Last night I made an omelette
with feta and spinach, listened
between bites her recite the wrongs
she's suffered, the litany of men
with promises and easy smiles.

I thought how hope holds
us hostage, the belief this time
will be different, and we go on.

By 3AM she was spent and listless.
I ran a bath with candles, lathered
her chestnut mane, washed her back.
The rinse water looked like a bank
of salt spume on a lawless sea.

I parted her thighs with my hand
when her fingers joined mine
until something half like a whimper
escsped her throat and she
lolled her head like an infant
drunk on breast milk,
sunk back and cried.

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
Contact:

Re: Wild Ponies

#9 Post by judyt547 » 17 Oct 2019, 07:01

i like this much better. "Muzzle" was a bit too weird for me, lol. oy, the images.
Read this out loud, no fudging, and see if you notice rough spots. The eye can fib,
but the voice, never.

Fourth stanza is elegant, it's the heart of the poem.

this: " listened
between bites her recite the wrongs" seems awkward, as if you left out a word or two.
I want to add "listened between bites as she recited the wrongs'
or, "listened as she recited the wrongs"

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1094
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Wild Ponies

#10 Post by SivaRamanathan » 17 Oct 2019, 08:42

Judy
I am learning from these comments.

S

Kenneth2816
Posts: 1178
Joined: 01 Jun 2008, 09:17

Re: Wild Ponies

#11 Post by Kenneth2816 » 17 Oct 2019, 12:16

You're correct Judy. Good eye, thank you

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