Neigbour

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FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Neigbour

#1 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Oct 2019, 13:55

Screaming Neighbour

The bus parks across the drive to the undergoing parking area
Erwin, my neighbour to the left asks him to move, he has that winning
smile that takes the stress out of these situations.

The driver does so and in doing so blocks the front entrance to our corner
shop, that will annoy Abhay who’s expecting a delivery, but that is modern
life, parking space is at a premium.

The girl on the top floor comes down to help me navigate the stairs
she knows I go down for a newspaper around this time. She is sweet
to a retired British Army veteran, her late husband was Brigade of Guards.

judyt547
Posts: 131
Joined: 17 Jan 2013, 19:46
Location: middle of the woods
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Re: Neigbour

#2 Post by judyt547 » 23 Oct 2019, 17:12

Too long, too wordy. Basically it's a short story with linebreaks.
I'd cut out the explanations and digressions, the medical asides.

There's a poem in here, but it's kinda hidden. =) Just keep it to
the neighbors, short and limited. ask yourself, does this move
the poem further along or are we just chatting about it?

FranktheFrank
Posts: 1534
Joined: 02 Mar 2016, 18:07
Location: Between the mountains and the sea

Re: Neigbour

#3 Post by FranktheFrank » 23 Oct 2019, 22:51

It is long
it is wordy
It's a diary conceit in a way of a fictional character.

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