Going Back to Amma’s House

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SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1103
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Going Back to Amma’s House

#1 Post by SivaRamanathan » 29 Jan 2020, 21:45

V3

Going Back to Amma’s House


A reversal of roles, I make coffee for Dad
waiting at the dining table. He sips and says
not quite like Somu’s; steam rises, though
not quite as it did a few days ago.

I ask Somu , ‘’how do you manage?
I too double boil the decoction, just like you.’’
The trick is to add a little water to the milk
latent heat of water being higher than that of milk.

I smiled at Grandappa sharing half her dosai
grandappa eating half after half, but only half
lest the remaining half turn cold for Grandamma. She
drinks her coffee holding the cup with the tip of her sari.

I notice these traits in my niece, drinking only
half her bottle of milk, the tepid in her words,
‘has gone bad.’ I tease Somu, you will have to
find her a groom, just like Grandappa.

Grandappa --Grandfather
Grandamma-Grandmother

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------








A reversal of roles, I make coffee for Dad
waiting at the dining table.
He sips and says, not quite like Somu’s.
steam rises as it did years ago.    

I ask Somu, how do you manage
I double boil the decoction, before pouring in the milk.
The trick is to add a little water to the milk before warming it
‘the latent heat of water is more than that of milk.’

Grandamma ate half a dosai and her husband the other
she drank her brew holding the cup with the loose end of her sari.
Dad’s double fry was from the pan onto the plate
And now my baby niece drinks half a bottle of milk

‘the tepid,’ she says, ‘has gone bad.’

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1500
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Going Back to Amma’s House

#2 Post by BobBradshaw » 30 Jan 2020, 22:15

I like S1 the best. It's the simplest, and most clearly written. S2 needs the quotation marks corrected....S3...I like the part about holding with the loose end of the sari. I might put a line break after "sari". Why is there a fry in the poem? What relation does it have with the milk?

I know the little niece is speaking in the last line, and the tradition of milk and making it properly is continuing, but it doesn't move me. Maybe expanding the stanza would help. I just feel more emotion could be added throughout the poem. The poem's details should exude the shared family warmth. Maybe the grandmother could look fondly back on watching her mother in the kitchen.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1103
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Going Back to Amma’s House

#3 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Jan 2020, 05:32

Bob

Just seen this.Will get to work today.

S

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1103
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Going Back to Amma’s House

#4 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Jan 2020, 20:43

Bob

I am happy with V3.Thanks for showing me how to work.

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1500
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Going Back to Amma’s House

#5 Post by BobBradshaw » 31 Jan 2020, 22:11

Much, much better. The warmth comes through here....couple nits:
This line is prosy. Can you simplify it?
latent heat of water higher than that of milk

Also
Grandamma, she
drank her coffee holding the cup with the tip of her sari.

can you put a period after Grandmma, and Start a new sentence with "She"?
Once you do that, shouldn't "drank" become "drinks"?

But oh yes this is good.

SivaRamanathan
Posts: 1103
Joined: 14 May 2011, 20:30

Re: Going Back to Amma’s House

#6 Post by SivaRamanathan » 31 Jan 2020, 22:39

B

latent heat of water being higher than that of milk?

S

BobBradshaw
Posts: 1500
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Going Back to Amma’s House

#7 Post by BobBradshaw » 01 Feb 2020, 03:11

Maybe just add a comma at the end of the previous line.

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