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Sunflowers

Posted: 15 Oct 2020, 21:05
by BobBradshaw
v3:

Sunflowers

Pummeling rains
have left my flowering day lilies
sprawled on the ground.
A sunflower lies twisted onto her back,
her overly big head
like a doll's my sister once had
slightly raised.

I lift my sunflower up,
steadying her with one hand.
With the other hand I tie one end
of a white cord
to an old walking stick
that I now use as a stake,
the other end to my battered
sunflower, her “eyes”
cast downward.

Then I turn to assess my tomatoes,
“love apples” my mother called them.
I was eight years old, Mama
leading me down rows of tomato plants,
the “apples” hanging like orbs.

Her southern voice is lost now
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle's flowers.

She is dressed perpetually
in gardener gloves and floppy hats.
From Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress,
everything takes on the color of sunlight
in late afternoon.



v2:

Sunflowers

Pummeling rains
have left my flowering day lilies
sprawled on the ground.
A sunflower lies twisted onto her back,
her overly big head
like a doll's I once had
slightly raised.

I lift my sunflower up,
steadying her with one hand.
With the other hand I tie one end
of a white cord
to an old walking stick
that I now use as a stake,
the other end to my battered
sunflower, her “eyes”
cast downward.

Then I turn to assess my tomatoes,
“love apples” my mother called them.
I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy hat and gloves
leading me down rows of tomato plants,
the “apples” hanging like orbs.

Her southern voice is lost now
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle's flowers.

She is dressed perpetually
in gardener gloves and floppy hats.
In photos of her everything
takes on the color of sunlight
in late afternoon,
from Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress.

I have a photo of sunflowers
on Mama's sun splashed grave.
In the picture I’m a small girl lying
on top of the mound, dressed
in a pale lemony dress
and Mama's floppy
yellow hat.



v1:
Sunflowers

Pummeling rains
have left my yellow flowering day lilies
sprawled onto the ground.
A sunflower lies twisted onto her back,
her overly big head
like a doll's I once had
slightly raised.

I lift my sunflower up,
steadying her with one hand.
With the other hand I tie one end
of a white cord
to an old walking stick
that I now use as a stake,
the other end to my battered
sunflower, her “eyes”
cast downward.

Then I turn to assess my tomatoes,
“love apples” my mother called them.
I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy hat, yellow gloves
leading me down rows of tomato plants,
the “apples” hanging like orbs.

Her southern voice is lost now
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle's flowers.

She is dressed perpetually
in gardener gloves and floppy hats.
In photos of her everything
takes on the color of sunlight
in late afternoon,
from Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress.

I have a photo of sunflowers
on Mama's yellowing grave.
In the picture I’m a small girl lying
on top of the mound, dressed
in a pale lemony dress
and Mama's floppy
yellow hat.

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 16 Oct 2020, 07:19
by Kenneth2816
Much to like. The last stanza a bit of surprise.
First thing I notice is the word yellow or yellowing three times. Bit much.

I love the references to the mother. They are genuine, and remind me of my own southern mom.

I don't find much contrived here. My issue is overuse of a few words/terms

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 17 Oct 2020, 20:37
by BobBradshaw
Thanks, Ken. I will remove some of the yellow references.

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 17 Oct 2020, 20:54
by meenas17
Love the yellow in the poem,
Might be they are found three times as ken puts it, I like them for that sake.
Perceptions differ, know Ken.
Back to see you all again in this forum,

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 18 Oct 2020, 00:00
by Billy
Yeah, I agree with Ken. How about "sun splashed grave". Otherwise I like the poem; it's full of wonderful details.

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 18 Oct 2020, 02:28
by Michael (MV)
Hi Bob,

Your sunflower poem leads me to the observation that "yellow" is the bright side of sepia

I like the synethesia of Billy's suggestion:

"sun splashed grave".


Sunflowers and your face fascinate me
You love only the tallest trees


^^ BuckinghamNicks lyric, an epitaph I heard with your poem


😎

Michael (MV) - my Southern mother's son flower forever

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 18 Oct 2020, 02:55
by BobBradshaw
Everyone, I appreciate your jumping in. I like "sun splashed grave" and I have removed one other "yellow". Thanks again...

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 18 Oct 2020, 12:02
by Michael (MV)
a return visit from MV 8)


"I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy hat and gloves"

^^ consider without "hat":

I was eight years old, Mama’s
yellow floppy and gloves


Last stanza workshopped 1/ without the "I'm"; 2/
without "In the picture," and 3/ trying on "reclined" for size:

I have a photo of sunflowers
on Mama's sun splashed grave:
a small girl is reclined
on top of the mound, dressed
in a pale lemony dress
and Mama's floppy
yellow hat.

^^ and, too, maybe "floppy" isn't needed; or maybe "hat" is needed:

and Mama's
yellow floppy.

^^ one or the other; depends on the tone needed for the finale



I like the appearance of "perpetually" in this poem.

I most esp wiil remember this precise & original imaging:

"she flickers like a hummingbird"

^^ Exsunlent


😎

Michael (MV)

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 18 Oct 2020, 16:31
by Kenneth2816
meenas17 wrote:
17 Oct 2020, 20:54
Love the yellow in the poem,
Might be they are found three times as ken puts it, I like them for that sake.
Perceptions differ, know Ken.
Back to see you all again in this forum,
Indeed. Lovely to see you here as well.

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 18 Oct 2020, 20:45
by BobBradshaw
Good to see so many people participating again....
thx, Michael....

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 31 Oct 2020, 23:16
by BobBradshaw
revised the ending

Re: Sunflowers

Posted: 01 Nov 2020, 17:57
by Michael (MV)
Hi Bob,

Her southern voice is lost now,
but in home movies
she flickers like a hummingbird
amid the honeysuckle flowers.

Forever in gardener gloves and floppy hats,
from Dad's blond Chevy
to Mama's straw colored dress,
everything glows
with sunlight in late afternoon.

^^ Notice:

1/a) the commas, and b) the possessive isn't needed; maybe even just

"amid the honeysuckle."

2/ "color" didn't sound & read right, at least to me; might also workshop-consider:

"everything takes on the" brilliance, aura, or maybe hue.

3/ some realignment.


This workshopper is enchanted with the link of
glow & "grow" via rhyme.

😎

Michael (MV)

Her joy
continues to rhythm & rhyme
with her boy


BobBradshaw wrote:
31 Oct 2020, 23:16
revised the ending