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Winter Has Passed

Oh, it’s snowing fiercely
at this moment, car, driveway
buried deeper and deeper.
Sparrows clamor for seed.

My soul starved all winter.
Not for lack of sustenance,
but my own refusal to partake.
Icicles bar the windows.

What could have been. Instead
the many sidesteps I’ve taken
in the brokenness I blamed
on others. A blinkless,

blank gaze saw only a bitter
world without reprieve. The sun
never left. The snow relentless,
an avalanche from heaven.

I’ve been buried until breath
nearly left me. Winter still
pummels the earth with wet
kisses. Spring here in my soul.




Winter Has Passed

Oh, it’s snowing fiercely
at this moment, car, driveway
buried deeper and deeper.
Sparrows clamor for seed.

My soul starved all winter.
Not for lack of sustenance,
but my own refusal to partake.
Icicles like bars on my window.

What could have been. Instead
the many sidesteps I’ve taken
in the brokenness I blamed
on others. A cold, blank,

blinkless gaze saw only a cold
world without reprieve. The sun
never left. The snow still falling
like an avalanche from heaven.

I’ve been buried until breath
nearly left me. Winter still
pummels the earth with wet
kisses. Spring here in my soul.

Billy, IDK if you will even keep this. If you do, please consider axing Icicles dripped from my heart.

It's a pretty good use of "show don't tell" this poem.

I agree with Ken about icicles, but I like the rest. I love these lines:

Sparrows clamoring for seed

like my soul all winter, starved,
not for lack of sustenance,
but my own refusal to partake.

I agree with Ken about icicles, but I like the rest. I love these lines:

Sparrows clamoring for seed

like my soul all winter, starved,
not for lack of sustenance,
but my own refusal to partake.

Yeah, good and easy call on the icicles. I changed it. Maybe not any better?

Yes, it works fine now. Good revision.

The power is in the last stanza and IMHO, anything that impedes that just sticks out.

Hi Billy,

Kinda like reading in kinship with Hopkins:

1/ the alliterative language, the diction("pummels"), the vigorous metaphor, noted in the images below

and

2/ the sentiment deep within the poem:

" . . . The sun
never left."

^^ unpremeditated, yet strategic, appearance near the center(the heart) of the poem, and then with the soul fully realized in metaphysical finale:

" . . . Spring here in my soul."


Workshop-share:

1/ "Icicles like bars on my window."
^^good image

Icicles bar my window.



2/ " . . . A cold, blank,

blinkless gaze saw only a cold
world without reprieve"


. . . A blinkless

blank gaze saw only a bitter
world without reprieve


3/ without the "an" -

" . . . The snow still falling
like avalanche from heaven."
^^ good image


. . . The snow relentless,
like avalanche from heaven.


4/ now the word "cold" one time in the poem, and here:

. . . Winter still
pummels the earth with cold
wet kisses




Michael (MV)

Thanks Bob Kenneth Michael

I like your suggestions Michael, will revise accordingly.

The revision reads better.