Twice-Twice

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meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Twice-Twice

#1 Post by meenas17 » 05 Mar 2021, 16:40

Revision -

Twice he calls,
wishes twice,
says everything twice.

He orders twice
dials twice
guffaws twice.

We call him
"Twice-Twice,"
teasingly.

"To make doubly sure,"
he explains. And even then
of course, twice.

He knocks twice
nods twice
bathes twice.

Once, served twice
the same breakfast
he ordered twice,

the waiter refused
to take back
the second one.

Buying tickets for a show,
he repeats as usual
gets billed for two.

Twice-Twice
remains helpless
on rewind.

His assurances
aren't insurances against trouble.
That will not change Twice-Twice.

He ages, gesturing,
asserting, assuring
not once but twice (as old).

:roll:



Twice he calls,
he wishes twice
says everything twice.

He orders twice,
dials twice.
guffaws twice,

We address him
" "Twice, Twice"
teasingly.

He does so, as
in his own words
to make doubly sure".

He knocks twice,
nods twice,
bathes twice.

He was served twice
the same breakfast
as he had ordered twice.

the waiter refutes
to take back the second one,
poor one, he remains helpless.

he buys tickets for a show,
repeating as usual
gets billed for two.

His assurances
land him in trouble.
That does not change him.

He continues, gesturing
asserting, assuring
not once but twice.
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Twice Twice

#2 Post by Michael (MV) » 06 Mar 2021, 18:13

Hi Meena,

Enjoyed - have read more than twice 😄

And I have enjoyed workshopping twice as much 😄 Below, includes punctuation check -- MV

In the title, and then throughout the text,
not sure whether to go with

Twice, Twice

or the hyphenated

Twice-Twice

In the workshopping, I'll demo the latter.

Twice-Twice

Twice he calls,
wishes twice,
says everything twice.

He orders twice,
dials twice,
guffaws twice.

We call him
"Twice-Twice,"
teasingly.

"To make doubly sure,"
he explains. And even then
of course, twice.

He knocks twice,
nods twice,
bathes twice.

Once, served twice
the same breakfast,
he had ordered twice -

the waiter refused
to take back
the second one.

Buying tickets for a show,
he repeats as usual,
gets billed for two.

Twice-Twice
remains
helpless on rewind.

His assurances keep
landing him in trouble.
That does not change Twice-Twice.

^^ MV's take on that stanza, which you are welcome to use, or your own variation of it:

His assurances
aren't insurances against trouble.
That will not change Twice-Twice.

He ages, gesturing
asserting, assuring
not once, but twice(as old)

^^ the parenthetical echo(wink), again an MV flourish, which you may use,

and any others
if to your poem's humor, Meena

😎

Michael

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Twice Twice

#3 Post by meenas17 » 06 Mar 2021, 18:54

Thanks, Michael.
I miss out on punctuations. Yes it should be Twice, Twice. In fact I wanted to have it but as always posted without revising.
I have to revise incorporating your suggestions.
meenas17

BobBradshaw
Posts: 2688
Joined: 03 Jun 2016, 21:03

Re: Twice Twice

#4 Post by BobBradshaw » 06 Mar 2021, 21:31

Interesting character. I look forward to reading your revision.

meenas17
Posts: 822
Joined: 23 Mar 2014, 11:27

Re: Twice- Twice

#5 Post by meenas17 » 07 Mar 2021, 19:06

I have revised, Michael.
meenas17

Michael (MV)
Posts: 2154
Joined: 18 Apr 2005, 04:57

Re: Twice-Twice

#6 Post by Michael (MV) » 10 Mar 2021, 17:27

Hi meena,

I have corrected the mechanicals, like punctuation & extra spaces.

While doing so, I saw this variation, which I workshop share with you -

From

Once, served twice
the same breakfast
he ordered twice,

To

Once, when served double
the same breakfast
he ordered twice,


😎

Michael

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